Does the child need to go to kindergarten

Does the child need to go to kindergarten? They say that «home» children are very difficult to adapt to school, because they are not used to being in a team.

Until recently, it was believed that kindergarten is a truly necessary link in the development of every child. Indeed, «home» kids often had difficulty adapting to school rules, to the rules of communication adopted in the peer group. Perhaps these difficulties were explained primarily by the fact that there were very few such children, the vast majority were just “kindergarten” children. Often, children moved in whole groups from the “yard” kindergarten to the same “yard” (that is, in the microdistrict) school. And if a child who spent the first seven years of his life under his mother’s and grandmother’s wing fell into the same class, he, of course, had a hard time.

Today the situation is different. Children who have never attended kindergarten are no longer an exception. In addition, the very concept of «kindergarten» today is not as clear as it used to be. In addition to the standard state kindergarten, there are a number of other options for «employment» of a preschool child. So, children come to the first grade with the most diverse “luggage”: someone went to an ordinary kindergarten, someone went to some Development Center, and someone sat at home with a nanny.

And now, at first, timid, but gaining strength, voices of those who took the liberty of asserting that «home» children were no worse than «kindergarten children» began to be heard. Of course, everywhere there are exceptions, but, in general, a child raised at home, and not in an “institution”, may well be as developed, independent, proactive and sociable as a kindergarten pupil. Another thing is that for this, parents should not just “keep” the precious child at home, but work on developing all these qualities in him.

What exactly does attending a kindergarten give a child? Primarily — the opportunity to communicate with peers, inclusion in the group. You can be convinced individualists, reserved and unsociable, but you must remember: Starting approximately from the age of three (and from the age of four, for sure!) the child needs to communicate with other children. And you must give him this opportunity.

Of course, in kindergarten, the child learns to communicate not only with other children, but also with adults. Before school age, parents are, of course, the only truly authoritative adults in a child’s life. But the experience of communicating with kindergarten teachers helps the child avoid difficulties in establishing relationships with school teachers in the future. The kid learns that in addition to the mother, there are other adults whose opinions need to be listened to, and sometimes simply obeyed.

Another one is naturally connected with this moment: in kindergarten, the child gets acquainted with certain rules of behavior and learns to observe them. The word «discipline» in many of us causes a rather negative attitude, since it is associated with the «equalizing» drill, adopted both in kindergartens and in schools of the Soviet era. But if we ignore these associations and understand the word «discipline» as simply the ability to adhere to the necessary rules of human society, then we should admit that these skills are necessary for a child.

Finally, the in kindergarten, the child receives opportunities for intellectual and physical development. Strictly speaking, the standard educational programs adopted in public kindergartens leave much to be desired: in many ordinary kindergartens, classes are not enough, and they are far from being carried out at the highest level. The mere “kindergarten” education is not enough for a child. In any case, parents should deal with the baby themselves. But if a «home» child spends whole days exclusively in front of the TV screen, then in kindergarten, of course, he will receive incomparably more. Drawing, modeling, construction, speech development, music lessons and physical education — this minimal «gentleman’s set» will provide even the simplest state kindergarten. If you are lucky and you find a really good kindergarten (there are also state ones) with a good, extensive program, you can expect that your kid will be really interested there.

Can I provide my child with all the conditions necessary for his harmonious development at home without sending him to kindergarten?

In principle, this is possible. But only if you are really ready for this very, very serious work. The most difficult thing in home education is, perhaps, not the intellectual or physical development of the child. Just in these areas, a caring and educated mother can give a child much more than kindergarten classes. It is much more difficult to create all the necessary conditions for the child’s social development.

Above, we have already talked about the main advantages of kindergarten: the child gets the opportunity to communicate with peers and with adults other than parents, learns to behave «in society», to follow the rules. And if you do not want to send your baby to kindergarten, you need to think carefully about how you will provide these opportunities to your child.

A «home» child should spend a lot of time in playgrounds, playing with other children. In addition, it is highly desirable to provide him with some kind of permanent friend-the same age — or rather, several friends. You need to take him to visit and invite other children to your home.

This task is quite feasible. But we must not forget about another important point — the communication of the child with adults. It’s no secret that women who prefer to stay at home with their children until it’s time to go to school often have a heightened sense of parental duty and the desire to be perfect mothers without fail. Some rather unfavorable consequences follow from this laudable desire: such mothers are almost always convinced that they simply have no right to entrust their precious baby to someone else (moreover, all other people, including closest friends, often fall into the category of “outsiders”). , and grandparents).

If you don’t send your child to a kindergarten because you don’t trust the teachers and think that no one but you will be able to properly treat the child, find the right approach to him, you need to urgently change this point of view! Of course, the child cannot be given into the first hands that come across. But you can’t limit his world only to your own person either. You need to understand that the child needs experience with other adults besides the mother — even if this mother is really the best in the world!

If you don’t want to send your beloved child to kindergarten, send him to some circle, section, play group. Arrange with one of your friends that from time to time your child will spend the day with her. The best thing is if among your acquaintances there are young mothers like you. You can create a “visiting schedule” by taking turns hosting other kids. Let your private «kindergarten» «work» for only a few hours a day, at least a couple of times a week: this will already bring great benefits to the kids. They will learn to communicate with each other, and little by little they will get used to the fact that sometimes you have to obey not only your mother.

Pay more attention to how your child communicates with other children on the playground, at a party. Is he easy to get to know? Does he know how to play, follow the order and rules of the game. Can share toys and, if necessary, defend his property and his interests. These are very important criteria for his social development, and if by the age of five the child still does not acquire the appropriate communication skills, it is worth consulting with a child psychologist and looking for some kind of replacement for kindergarten — a development group, a play group, a kids club, etc.

Suitable age: does it make sense to send a child to a nursery?

The most optimal age for publication is four years. Yes, no less! And, please, try not to listen to the persistent advice of experienced grandmothers, who are always ready to explain to us that “the sooner the better — you will get used to it quickly”! Because it’s not true.

A one-year-old toddler, of course, can “get used” to the fact that for some reason their beloved mother was replaced by someone else’s, not too affectionate aunt. To get used to means to accept and suffer silently, reacting to stress “only” with frequent colds and other illnesses, a bad mood, and a decrease in interest in the world around you. Such passive resistance is far from being a trifle, it has a very negative impact on the further emotional, intellectual and physical development of the baby.

Today, most nurseries accept children from only a year and a half. But this is too early! One and a half years is the age when the so-called separation anxiety is just beginning to subside. Simply put, the baby is still too strongly attached to the mother and reacts very painfully to her absence, and equally to the appearance of strangers, especially if they try to get too close to him.

It’s not a secret for anyone that «unfavorable» children adapt best in the nursery, that is, those who do not live very well at home. Kindergarten teachers are well aware of this. They sadly talk about the fact that in each group there are one or two kids who do not want to leave kindergarten in the evenings: parents come, call from the threshold of the group, and the child … turns his back, hides behind a shelf with toys. And the point here is not at all that the baby «played» too much, was too carried away by some of his important baby affairs.

For a one and a half year old toddler, meeting with his mother, the opportunity to cling to her tightly and not let go anywhere is the most important thing, by definition, due to age characteristics. Starting from this age, the fear of unfamiliar adults is gradually smoothed out, but it does not completely disappear for quite some time (although different children differ greatly in this). Interest in other children wakes up in kids only by the age of three. At the same time, at first they are drawn to comrades older than themselves, then they begin to be interested in those who are younger, and only in the last turn they pay attention to their peers.

So, a nursery of one and a half years can only be justified by the most extreme necessity. Before deciding to give the child to a nursery, you need to go through all the possible options that allow you to leave the baby at home. Look for work at home, try to negotiate with familiar mothers that you will take turns “grazing” your kids. Believe me, there are no hopeless situations, and if you wish, you can always find some alternative to a manger.

It is a little easier for a two-year-old child to get used to the nursery. The general rule remains the same — early! But there are quite a few exceptions to this rule. By the age of two, the baby can be really very sociable, and if the kindergarten (primarily teachers!) Is good, the child may like it there. In any case, you can try to take your child to a nursery if you are already convinced that he is not afraid of other children and adults, has the necessary self-care skills (he knows how to use the potty, can eat on his own), without much suffering experiences your absence.

At the same time, you must definitely observe the behavior, mood of the baby, the state of his health. If you see that your two-year-old is difficult to adapt to the nursery, in no case do not insist, do not persist in your intention to accustom him to the “institution” right now. The saying “be patient — fall in love” does not work in this case! The negative experience of visiting the nursery will affect in the future: in a year or two, when «home» children come to the group and adapt to the kindergarten without any problems, your baby will still perceive the kindergarten as a place of confinement, will often get sick, cry in the morning and evenings.

In our case, such folk wisdom is applicable: «The miser pays twice.» Sending a two-year-old who is not ready for this to a nursery does not win anything. Returning to work will result in regular sick leave. It is much wiser to spend time wisely: gradually, without haste, but persistently and consistently prepare your baby for kindergarten. Such an «investment» of your time, your care will pay off in full. Let it sound trite, but still: what can be more precious than the health of a beloved child — both physical and psychological?

Some mothers send two-year-old babies to a nursery not because they really need to go to work, but for “pedagogical” reasons: they say that in a group a child will be taught to be independent, he will develop faster, etc. Yes, talking all day with other people’s aunts and being just one of fifteen or twenty such little ones, your child will probably learn to hold a spoon and pull on his pants faster than his «home» peers. But is it really that important in and of itself? At home, he also learns independence, masters all these necessary everyday skills — but how could it be otherwise? This, of course, requires your attention, your work and your patience.

Let’s be honest. Bringing the baby to the nursery, we cannot even dream of some kind of individual approach, respect for the personality of the child, etc. Things are better with kindergartens, but the nursery cannot be considered a place that is useful for the child.

And the age characteristics of a two-year-old child, and the quality of our nursery, in general, lead to the following conclusion: wait, do not rush! It has been proven that the pupils of the nursery are often later characterized by less initiative in making decisions, since activity and emotionality are largely laid in the first years of life.

Note to mom

A child who is not getting used to a nursery or a kindergarten does not necessarily demonstrate this explicitly. He can behave quite obediently and even submissively, expressing his feelings in some indirect way. The most common form of passive resistance in toddlers is frequent colds.

But there are other points that you need to pay attention to. This is sleep, appetite, the behavior of the child at home in the evenings, after kindergarten. For the first time after the start of attending a nursery or kindergarten, such “charms” as a decrease in appetite, difficulty falling asleep and even crying at night, domestic whims and a somewhat reduced or irritable mood can be considered “normal”. But if after three or four weeks the situation does not improve, we can say that the child does not adapt well to kindergarten or nursery.

In this case, it is advisable to save the baby from visiting the kindergarten for the next year, and if this is completely impossible, try to mitigate the traumatic situation: leave him in the kindergarten only for half a day, give him an extra day off in the middle of the week, look for a kindergarten or a nursery with fewer children in a group.

These recommendations may not seem too realistic. Nevertheless, the experience of many mothers shows that they can be performed if desired. And the efforts justify themselves, because as a result you preserve the mental well-being of the child, and therefore your own.

What is the best age for a child to start kindergarten?

We have already begun to answer this question. Let us repeat once again: most psychologists today consider four years to be the optimal age, and three is quite acceptable. By the age of three, the child is no longer afraid to remain without a mother for some time, begins to be interested in communicating with other children, and has self-service skills. But he will really enjoy playing with peers only closer to four years.

The ideal option is to gradually, without haste and making strict requirements, start introducing the child to kindergarten at three to three and a half years. First, go for walks with him with the kindergarten group, then leave him in the kindergarten for half a day.

If it quickly turns out that the child does not mind spending time in a new environment, you can move on to a regular kindergarten visit. If the baby does not express any special enthusiasm, there is nothing wrong with the fact that until the age of four he will attend the kindergarten according to the “sparing” regime.

Do not worry about the fact that he will lag behind his peers in some way. The main thing is that after three years he does not remain in a closed home space, one on one with his mother or grandmother, but gradually expands the boundaries of the familiar world.

Note to mom

Here is a very important, albeit purely «technical» warning. All the advice given by psychologists, authors of various books and manuals (including the author of this article) regarding kindergarten is somewhat theoretical. Smooth, soft and unhurried adaptation to kindergarten is an ideal to strive for. But in fact, unless you have sufficient financial resources to enroll your child in a private “family” kindergarten (and most of us just don’t have such opportunities), be prepared for the fact that life will make its own adjustments to your ideal scheme.

And the first thing you will encounter is the queue. Yes, yes, the good old queue in kindergarten from your own childhood. Even seven or eight years ago, mothers could really slowly move from one kindergarten to another, compare and choose the one that is better.

The birth rate in the country was low, kindergartens were empty and closed, and those that remained afloat were ready to take almost everyone into their walls, regardless of registration in the desired microdistrict. (Crèche, by the way, has always been overcrowded, but there are far fewer of them than kindergartens.) Today there are more children, and the number of kindergartens has decreased — just in those «childless» years. And in the simplest, «yard» kindergarten, you need to sign up at least a year before the child goes there. With the same gardens that are especially popular in your area, you can safely begin to “be friends” even during pregnancy.

This practice has become more and more common in recent years. A child at two years old is given to a nursery, he gets used to them with difficulty, and the parents decide to leave him at home for another year. But at the same time, in no case do they take away documents! They persuade the administration to “keep the place”, regularly pay monthly receipts in order to keep the opportunity to send the child to kindergarten without any problems in a year or even two.

So draw conclusions. You need to look for a kindergarten in advance, at least a year in advance, ideally even earlier. Be active, do not expect gifts from fate. Walking the streets with a stroller in which your newborn lies, get to know the mothers of older children, find out which kindergartens they go to, whether they are happy with them.

In addition, the Internet can be a great help in finding a good kindergarten. There are ratings of schools and kindergartens on numerous «parent» sites. There you can find reviews about different kindergartens, groups, development centers. In addition, you will have the opportunity to ask any specific questions, get the necessary advice.

The child does not want to go to kindergarten at all …

Can any child be taught to kindergarten?

Doctors, psychologists and parents call some children “non-kindergarten”. What is behind this definition? Are there really children who under no circumstances can adapt to kindergarten?

To be honest, there are probably no such children. The only question is how much effort the child and his parents need to make in order for adaptation to kindergarten to take place, and whether these efforts are justified, that is, whether they need to be made.

According to how kids adapt to kindergarten, they can be divided into three groups.

The first group are children who react to a change in the situation with a real nervous breakdown. Frequent colds are almost always added to this.

The second group — children who do not show signs of nervous strain, «only» begin to get sick often.

The third group is children who get used to the kindergarten without any problems and difficulties.

So, every second child belongs to the first or second group. Does this mean that only half of the children who go to kindergarten have a chance to “take root” there, and all the rest should stay at home until school age? Of course not.

In most cases, adaptation problems are solvable, and it does not take too much time. Kindergarten is stressful for a child, but the stress is quite manageable. Only the baby must be helped to cope with this new and very serious experience. Such a large number of children experiencing difficulties in adapting to kindergarten is largely due to their unpreparedness for a new way of life. You can not throw a child into an unfamiliar environment, like into water, in the expectation that he will immediately learn to “swim”. It is worthwhile to devote time and attention in advance to preparing for visiting the kindergarten, and then your baby will most likely be in the third, prosperous group.

Despite all my efforts, the child still cannot get used to kindergarten. What explains this and what can be done?

Indeed, in some cases even careful preliminary work does not help. Despite all your efforts and good intentions, the child continues to protest in one form or another against attending kindergarten. What’s the matter?

First of all, the baby may not have reached the right age yet (we discussed this issue in detail above). In addition, as already mentioned, a child’s attitude towards kindergarten can be greatly spoiled by a bad experience attending a nursery. A conditioned reflex can work here: even a small child remembers (at least on a subconscious, emotional level) that he has already been within these walls and felt bad. If this is the reason, then it is best to postpone the “publicity” for some more time (at least for six months), while continuing to maintain contact with the kindergarten during this period — go for walks, make friends on “neutral territory” with someone from the kids who go to the same group.

Difficulties in adapting to kindergarten may also be due to the temperament of the child. Temperament is an innate characteristic, it cannot be changed, but “on the other hand”, unfortunately, it can be suppressed, forcibly distorted. Sanguine babies usually adapt to a new environment quite safely, but choleric and phlegmatic people often have a hard time. Children with a choleric temperament turn out to be too active and noisy, but slow phlegmatic people can suffer even more — they simply do not keep up with the others. And in the kindergarten it is important to keep pace: eat on time, get dressed or undressed on time, complete some task …

Carefully observe your baby, ask the teacher about how exactly the child spends the day in the group. And if you decide that the difficulties in adaptation are connected precisely with the “uncomfortable” temperament for the kindergarten, be sure to discuss this with the teachers. Explain to them that the baby is behaving in an “inappropriate” way, not because he is guilty of something, but because he cannot do otherwise.

Do not be shy to be persistent and firm, informing the educators that in no case should your phlegmatic little one be constantly tugged at, urged on, and even more so scolded for slowness. Tell them (and, of course, keep in mind yourself) that under pressure from adults, a phlegmatic child only becomes even more slow and passive.

His nervous system functions in such a way that, with excessive stimulation, “emergency braking” is generally turned on, and the child falls into a real prostration. But, if such a child is not disturbed, he knows how to bring what he has begun to the end, is calm and balanced, accurate and reliable. As for slowness, as the child grows and develops, it will gradually smooth out. The pace of the phlegmatic will still be somewhat reduced compared to sanguine and especially choleric — the pace, but not the effectiveness! While the hurried choleric man pulls all his clothes inside out and upside down twice, and the teacher finally changes his clothes correctly, the phlegmatic child will just have time once, but correctly and accurately, fasten all the buttons and even, perhaps, tie the shoelaces. All this must be explained to the educators so that they remember: the less they pull and rush your “slow-moving”, the faster it will “level out”, get used to the kindergarten environment and begin to have time to do everything you need.

And what to do with those very hurried choleric people who do not sit still for a second and in general often resemble a small tornado? It is clear that such a temperament does not cause much enthusiasm among kindergarten teachers. But again, it is necessary to talk with the staff and explain that the baby is “raging” not because of a lack of education, but because of the innate personality traits. Tell the educators that it would be good for your “hurricane” child to engage in some kind of active activity if possible. If he scattered toys, then he will surely collect them with the same pleasure and speed — if he is asked, and not forced. As a rule, in kindergartens, children are still allowed to move quite freely — run and jump (they are allowed, if only because it is impossible to force twenty-three-year-olds to sit quietly and for a long time on high chairs!).

If you come across very strict teachers who require children to stand in one place during the walk or walk back and forth in pairs, well, in this case it is best to look for other teachers. (This, by the way, applies not only to the problems of choleric children! Drilling, suppression, severe restriction of natural activity are harmful to any child, regardless of temperament.)

Finally, in search of the reasons for the poor adaptability of the child to the kindergarten, think about this: do you easily adapt to new conditions yourself? Do you like to be in noisy companies? If a child grows up in a society of closed, little sociable parents, then, most likely, he himself will prefer quiet games alone. For such a baby, an ordinary crowded kindergarten can really be contraindicated, but at the same time, in no case should he be left in isolation! It certainly needs to be «brought to light», although it should be done unobtrusively and carefully, in small «doses». It is very good to define such a “recluse” in a play group in which there are few children and where you do not need to spend the whole day.

Who better to stay at home

Weakened, often ill (even before any kindergarten!) Children, as well as babies with an unstable nervous system, should not be given to an ordinary, standard kindergarten. This does not mean that such children cannot be sent anywhere at all. You just need to consider that if your baby is not too healthy, this means his increased sensitivity, vulnerability. It must be approached with extreme caution, and the kindergarten should be chosen even more carefully than in the case of an “ordinary” (if there are such a thing in the world!) Child. There are special health-improving kindergartens, but one should not rely on the name alone: ​​if there are fifteen people in the group and one teacher for two shifts, visiting such a garden will not bring your baby a big healing effect.

If you don’t plan to spend the next few years on sick leave to care for your child, put aside your dreams of a kindergarten for the time being and start “healing” your baby on your own: watch his regimen and nutrition, take more walks, if doctors allow, start tempering. Try to find opportunities for the child to attend at least a couple of times a week some kind of «school of development», a play group. If this is in no way possible, at least get out with him to visit, so that he little by little «breaks away» from you, learns that the world around is wide and not dangerous.

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.