Self-satisfaction is a natural manifestation of our sexuality. We seem to understand this clearly, and yet in the relationship of a man and a woman, masturbation is still an unspoken taboo.
Marina is 37 years old. She still remembers that morning in detail. “I thought that my husband was sleeping,” she says, “and tiptoed into the bedroom, I didn’t want to wake him up. He masturbated. I immediately turned around and left before he noticed me. I felt very uncomfortable.
Week after week after that incident, I asked myself thousands of questions. What’s wrong with me if he needs it? What does he think about when he does it? What is missing in our relationship? In addition, I experienced a great sense of shame — I did not dare to discuss this topic with my husband … It took me more than one month to calm down. But even now, when I think about it, I feel uneasy.”
And 25-year-old Vladimir eagerly recalls his unusual experience: “In the evening, my girlfriend and I were lying side by side in the same bed. Suddenly she began to squirm and moan softly. And I guessed that she was caressing herself. I had never seen her like this before, it really turned me on. We had sex and it was absolutely incredible!”
There is nothing unusual about these stories. These are scenes from the daily lives of many couples.
Shadow of sin
Masturbation is widely tabooed — even in our time, when sexuality seems to have finally gained its maximum freedom of expression. Self-satisfaction seems to remain one of the last limits of Western civilization, suppressed by both our personal and collective taboos.
This sexual practice, which does not lead to procreation, is strictly condemned by the church and public morality. Women are especially harshly condemned. “And this is understandable, because if they learn to please themselves, men will completely lose power over them,” explains psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “Male masturbation is more tolerated as part of a special learning ritual that turns a teenager into a man.”
We believe that a partner should experience the same desires and want the same things that we do, and at the same time. But this is impossible!
Men and women are imbued with the idea that if a person masturbates, then there must be “something wrong” with him. Perhaps that is why the act of masturbation today is involuntarily associated with the repulsive image of a pervert feverishly masturbating in the bushes. And the word «masturbation» leads to the concept of sin.
Psychoanalysts prefer to use the term «autoeroticism» and allow self-satisfaction for lonely people, as a way of mechanical satisfaction of natural needs. So in a married couple, he seems to have no place.
“We live with the myth of perfect completion and synchronization,” ironically sexologist Igor Kon. “There is a misconception that our entire sex life is centered within this partnership agreement. We believe that a partner should satisfy all our expectations, experience the same desires and want the same pleasures as we do, and at the same moment. But this is impossible!»
A couple is a union of two different personalities. And you need to be able to accept the psychological and physical separateness of yourself and your partner. Say goodbye to the ideal of fusion. Even in the lives of the most prosperous couples, there are times when a partner needs to deal with himself without the participation of the second half.
36-year-old Elena, worried, says: “After the birth of my daughter, my sensuality became completely different. I’ve started to caress myself again — and I haven’t done it since I got married six years ago — and this helps me feel pleasure again. But for some reason I am ashamed of myself and do this secretly from my husband — I have a feeling that I am deceiving him.
secret life
To suddenly find out that a partner is masturbating is a shock for many. Women in such circumstances often feel humiliated, perceive it as a loss of desire in relation to themselves. “It seems to them that this way of self-satisfaction of the husband speaks of their sexual failure,” explains Inna Khamitova.
Men, having caught their partner for self-satisfaction, do not feel such a threat to their masculinity. And this is understandable: female masturbation is focused mainly on the clitoris, it does not interfere with intercourse, but, on the contrary, can serve as a love prelude. “Women are capable of multiple orgasms,” says gynecologist Daniel Flomenbom, “so a man may believe that a woman who caresses herself is preparing to receive him again.
In addition, men rarely have the opportunity to see the female genital organs so close, they are already hidden by virtue of their location. To catch your beloved masturbating means to lift the veil of her secret. And it certainly excites!”
Pleasure for yourself
Masturbation does not necessarily play the role of a foreplay. This is a separate sexual practice that exists by itself. “Autoeroticism is a pleasure unlike any other,” stresses psychotherapist Philip Breno. — This is a different sexuality that exists along with the usual. These two types of eroticism do not compete with each other.
To caress yourself means to give yourself moments that belong only to you. “This is an excellent way to relax and feel confident,” says Inna Khamitova. “It is for this that a small child caresses himself,” says psychoanalyst Bernard-Elie Torzhman. “In an adult, such caresses also perform other functions.”
There are different types of masturbation, and we resort to them at different periods of life. Some caresses soothe and immerse in the ocean of sensuality, others excite and carry away into the realm of fantasy. “Any of these options can be beneficial for the couple,” explains Igor Kon. “They help each partner recognize their pleasure, which is important for the successful development of sexuality.” And besides, they regulate the tension both for each partner individually, and in a couple, when one wants to have sex, and the other does not.
Guilt
What we hide may cause guilt, not because it is something bad, but only because we hide it. Especially if in childhood we were forbidden to have our secrets. And when we are «exposed», the feeling of guilt intensifies.
Sergey, 35, tells how he was caught by his wife: “She put her hand on top of mine, intending to continue on her own instead of me … It was unbearable. I asked her to stop and we never talked about it again. I think she feels guilty, as if she wasn’t up to par. Even though she has absolutely nothing to do with it.”
“She really has nothing to do with it,” Inna Khamitova agrees. — The reaction of the woman was natural: she wanted to turn everything into a sexual game, to share the pleasure. The husband was not ready for this. He says that the partner «was not up to par.» This is how the psychological mechanism of projection works: he attributes his feelings to her. He was not ready to let a woman into the zone of his intimacy.
“Many women have an exaggerated sense of guilt,” says Igor Kon. — In this case, there is an illusion behind this that you need and can have “your” man in its entirety, if this does not work out, then you are to blame. Meanwhile, most men need some degree of freedom. Therefore, intrusion into this area is often perceived as a violation of intimacy and causes protest.
Reason to think
“There is no need to dramatize,” says Inna Khamitova. — No need to impose or forbid yourself any caresses. Why not just play — if it remains a game. It is important that masturbation is enjoyable. A reason to think appears if it becomes the only kind of sexual life.
In the long run, self-satisfaction, like any other self-sufficiency, dooms a person to loneliness.
Anna and Mikhail (aged 38 and 40) had no idea what their new game might lead to. “We liked to watch the other caress himself, or find out that he had just been doing this, it was exciting,” says Anna. But over time, we somehow imperceptibly moved away from each other. And now they have completely stopped having sex — everyone satisfies himself.
“In this case, partnerships become redundant,” comments Igor Kon. “In the long run, self-satisfaction, like any other self-sufficiency, dooms a person to loneliness.” From the point of view of the pleasure received, masturbation is inferior to the usual heterosexual act with a close partner: it is he who brings the greatest pleasure, the greatest relaxation. Ideal sexuality still presupposes reciprocity.
Adult sexuality is an activity for two. “When partners masturbate more than they have sex, it means that there is a problem in the relationship,” says Inna Khamitova. “If we caress ourselves several times a day, this may indicate severe anxiety.” In this case, it is no longer about sexual desire. You should definitely talk about this with a partner or even a psychotherapist. This need to masturbate may tell us something different about ourselves.