Does love have an expiration date?

Frederic Begbeder’s novel “Love Lives for Three Years” was published in 1997 in France, six years later it was translated into Russian and reprinted many times. Despite the fact that by the end of the story the main character begins to doubt the hypothesis of short-term love, this thesis has managed to firmly sit down in our heads. The formula proposed by the writer is perhaps the simplest explanation for parting. But more complex mechanisms are responsible for attachment.

who depends on whom

We are used to seeing the expiration date on products, but not on relationships! However, something in the relationship changes over time. Why? During the period of falling in love, many chemical processes occur in the body that increase blood pressure and cause insomnia. If we understand that this is a game of hormones, then we will not expect it to continue forever.

“When the wild passion subsides after three years, you will be aware that the problem is not in the partner, but in the fact that the chemistry goes away, taking the relationship to a new level,” promises cognitive psychotherapist Peter Galigabarov.

Many problems in a couple’s relationship arise precisely because we often mix these concepts – falling in love, love, relationships. To save feelings, it is worth learning to distinguish them. “Three years usually do not live love, but passion, which is characteristic of a particularly bright and acute period of the beginning of a relationship,” says sexologist Andrey Khavanov. – But this is an average period: for some couples, passion burns out within a few months, for some it can smolder and flare up for many years.

But the idea that love lasts for three years can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. To believe in these words is to be captured by this phrase, not paying attention to reality.

But the duration of the relationship still says nothing about their quality. For example, it can be a co-dependent relationship – such a strong emotional involvement in the life of a partner that any personal development is in jeopardy. Or counter-addicts – with a violation of attachment, when we are afraid of intimacy and at the same time need the presence of another. These two options are devastating to health and status (physical, mental and social).

But there is a third option for a long-term relationship, which is really worth striving for: this is an interdependent relationship. A connection in which everyone can do without the other, but prefers to be together, because it is more comfortable, more interesting to develop. “Interdependent relationships are based on unconditional acceptance of each other,” says Petr Galigabarov. “But those relationships don’t stay the same.”

BC

Sometimes it seems that the very idea of ​​a stable relationship in a couple is becoming obsolete. From an evolutionary point of view, however, our sexual behavior is based not on passion, but on reproduction, the survival and development of offspring.

“These mechanisms are so fundamental that they retain their significance for many thousands of years, encouraging people to create strong couples,” Andrey Khavanov explains. – They will always come into conflict with new trends – for example, polyamory or open relationships. There have always been and will be those who are more prone to enjoyment than to reproduction – that is, they have more developed strategies for short-term rather than long-term relationships. But they will never be in the majority.”

The scheme of reproductive behavior has been developed in the human race throughout its centuries-old history. “Love as a period of love insanity is an evolutionary mechanism designed to bring partners closer and keep them together for a certain period,” continues the sexologist. – Firstly, so that partners often have sex, increasing the likelihood of conception.

Second, that they be together to ensure the survival of the child during the first three most vulnerable years of his life. Thirdly, falling in love increases the likelihood of deeper and more lasting relationships, which are based not just on mutual sexual interest, but on trust, mutual respect, and friendship.”

Over time, passion fades, and this is the natural dynamics of relationships, and not a catastrophe and evidence of their agony, as popular culture presents us with this process.

If we had to define falling in love according to the International Classification of Diseases, it would probably fall under the heading Disorder of habits and drives, unspecified: obsessive thoughts about another person, mood swings, difficulty sleeping, rash emotional acts, obsession syndrome Those are her symptoms. But some believe that this is the manifestation of love.

“In this case, it really will pass in about three years,” agrees Peter Galigabarov. – But for others, love is associated with the acceptance of a partner and their own harmonious, calm state. You note that the passion is gone, sex has become less frequent, but the desire to be together has only intensified. Falling in love is a turbulent biochemical process, but everyone has their own love.

Listen and hear

How can you change a relationship when everything seems to be lost? How to reach a new level? “Do not make a cult out of passion,” Andrey Khavanov advises. “This is a very pleasant thing, but there is a risk of falling into a trap. As with the pleasure of shopping, the intoxication of the short-term wow effect of acquiring a new wardrobe item quickly passes.

If you strive only for it, there is a risk of getting into debt and eventually being poor and unhappy. Passion should be enjoyed, but the whole value of the relationship should not be reduced to it. Relationships are a complex and living process. They have both the first course, and the second, and appetizers, and dessert. Everyone can enjoy.”

Of course, this requires patience and tolerance. If it seems to you that the relationship is over, do not rush into decisions, give yourself time – for example, mark in a diary for six months what is important and valuable they give you and what they bring negative, the sexologist advises: “After the deadline, sum up and draw conclusions . There are no absolutely bad and destructive relationships – just as there are no absolutely positive ones.

Point out what you are unhappy with and what you can do. Do it. Rate the result. Ask again if the relationship suits you, why you want to revive it and whether you are ready to invest in it. These steps can be repeated until a sustainable result is obtained.

In addition, by daily training the ability to notice your thoughts, physical sensations, pay attention to sounds and smells (what is called “mindfulness”), you will increase your awareness. That will help to organically include in your life the ability not only to listen, but also to hear your partner. “The main problem in families is the lack of well-structured communication that is understandable to each family member,” Peter Galigabarov is sure. “Mindfulness develops self-acceptance and improves the quality of relationships with the outside world.”

happily ever after

If the crisis is over, what’s next? Sometimes relationships develop into deep sympathy and affection, create space for the manifestation and expression of mature mutual love, including sex. Caresses become more sophisticated and skillful when both partners have studied themselves and the other well. If both of them are interested in this area, there is no limit to research and possibilities.

The ancient Indian treatise Kamasutra notes that the heights of sex are easier to achieve with a familiar partner. But stable relations can be limited to mutual obligations and security. “It’s a matter of personal preferences: a lot of couples are satisfied with stability, and attempts to “reason” them – they say, where is the passion? – they only cause unnecessary embarrassment and cause distress, – Andrey Khavanov explains.

– In such stable couples, sex is often absent in principle or has a regular character of “marital duty”. At the same time, partners continue to be together, respect each other and value relationships. Children hold the family together, and the more of them, the less likely the divorce is, according to statistics. However, using them as the main bonding factor will not benefit them or their parents.

Is there a secret formula for happiness in a couple? I think no. It’s always an individual recipe. It can be assumed that marriages based on rational calculations are stronger than romantic ones. Is it so?

“Arranged marriages, as a rule, are concluded between older and more mature people who better understand their needs and preferences,” says Peter Galigabarov. – In this case, the couple has an understanding that in addition to physical and spiritual attraction, one must be responsible and invest in relationships, not only emotional, but also financial. The reason for the majority of divorces in Russia, judging by the polls, is money problems.”

What is love made of? Out of intimacy, trust, or sexual desire. From the ability to bear obligations to others … Most couples go through crises, which means that the situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem, can be corrected if there is a desire.

^1. Ortigue, S. et. al. Neuroimaging of Love…, The Journal Of Sexual Medicine, Vol. 7, Issue 11, November 01, 2010.