Can jealousy revive a relationship? To become that very spark from which the flame of desire flares up again?
At the first stage of sexual relations, our passion is reinforced by the desire to win a loved one, the desire to prove our worth to him.
Over time, we get used to each other, anxiety subsides, the partner safely becomes «mine» or «mine», and we enjoy a sense of possession that satisfies our need for security and affection. And suddenly we notice that our “property” casts an interested glance at a random passerby, later comes home from work, laughs while talking on the phone…
It turns out that the partner does not belong to us, we cannot control his desires!
And jealousy awakens in us, sometimes very strong.
“For the first time we experienced this feeling in early childhood, in a relationship with a mother, whose love and care were necessary like air,” explains psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan. — This connection was a source of pleasure for us, we felt it as indissoluble. The discovery that the mother does not belong to us entirely and, worse, can be distracted — by the father or another child — turned out to be a blow.
This primary feeling of jealousy, as anxiety and fear of loss, as a threat to life and even humiliation, was experienced in infancy by each of us. And the more acute the pain was then, the more we are afraid of losing each subsequent object of love, we do not want to experience this pain again. The less secure a child’s relationship with his mother seemed to be, the more he would cling to a close relationship with his partner in adulthood.
Fantasizing about the mother’s connection with the “rival” and vaguely imagining himself in his place, the child experiences a complex of experiences.
“Jealousy is associated with arousal and desire,” the expert continues. “But besides that, with horror, disgust, curiosity. Fantasizing about the connection between the mother and the “rival” and vaguely imagining himself there, in his place, the child experiences a whole range of experiences.
And the jealousy of an adult is filled with the same feelings — curiosity (“What is it between them?”), The desire to destroy an opponent, to master his object of affection and confirm the rights to him. Like a child discovering a frightening and alluring connection between parents, he fires up the imagination with every detail, from text messages to random glances on the street.
Yes, jealousy can increase desire, not only in the jealous person, but also in his partner, just as aggression and disgust can increase passion. But at the same time, she inevitably destroys the relationship, because the partner perceives unmotivated painful suspicion as an attempt at total control, which causes him anger and rejection.
And the jealous man (who is already convinced that there is nothing to love him for) sees in rejection the proof of his worthlessness and with a vengeance tries to win over his partner. He tries in a panic to earn the love of the «object» and at the same time begins to feel more and more hatred for him for his own humiliation and self-denial.
Jealousy cannot be cured, but you can prevent it from destroying you by adding more awareness to the relationship. Our desire is formed in symbiosis with the mother, but it still develops with maturity, autonomy and self-respect. If Othello saw in Desdemona not only an angel and understood that she fell in love with him not «for torment», but because he was worthy of love, Iago’s slander would not have had such a devastating effect.