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Trust, understanding, support – partners living together for a long time often become best friends. How does this affect their mutual attraction and relationship in general?
“A good marriage rests on a talent for friendship,” wrote Nietzsche*.
Does this mean that friendship between partners is a condition (or even a secret) for the longevity of a couple?
So it is, says family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova: “If you subtract friendship, what remains? Sex, children, housework, formal relationships with roommates. And friendship is the ability to talk, common interests, support, the presence of another in our lives. Without friendship, married life is impossible!”
But if sexual attraction in modern society is seen as a necessary condition for creating a couple, then “a sense of closeness, trust in it is established gradually, as in relationships between friends. If it were only a matter of physical love, we would be quite fleeting relationships,” says sexologist Ghislaine Pari.
As a result of observing the life of many families, sexologist Irina Panyukova concluded: “The ratio of sensuality and friendly feelings varies in the life of the same couple at different times, as well as in different couples. Much depends on the character: among us there are those who are initially more capable of friendship, and those who respond more easily to erotic experiences.
At the same time, the sexologist emphasizes that the ability to love and friendship can be developed, like other abilities.
More sex?
Love and friendship often seem to us mutually exclusive. Magazines give advice on how to leave as friends when love is gone, and the expression “stay friends” softens the rejection of intimacy. At the beginning of a relationship in a couple, friendly feelings are often absent: we still know each other too little. We are ruled by our own fantasies.
“Imagination creates the ideal image of a partner,” says Elena Ulitova. “We want to take possession of it, seeing in it what we want, and we are not interested in what it really is.”
We have yet to get to know each other, disappoint and be disappointed, forgive, open up, negotiate … and nostalgically remember the times when sexual desire was at its peak and it did not require effort.
Having started with romantic passion, partners sometimes worry that the development of friendship will lead to a cooling in the relationship. These fears are not unfounded, says Andrey Korneev, a specialist in body psychotherapy.
“There is a lot of selfishness in sensual love. Partners crave possession, strive to conquer, even subjugate each other. Between them there is a confrontation – partly playful, partly real, its outcome is unknown, and this gives sharpness to experiences.
And friendship can really interfere with such love-eros: it has more desire to give, care, selfless service. But habit interferes more strongly when partners become predictable and do not surprise each other with anything.
Over time, relationships become calmer, the fear of losing another subsides, but the desire does not disappear.
Psychoanalyst Sophie Kadalen emphasizes: “We confuse love paired with emotion, which gives the discovery of a new one. Yes, of course, the heart beats less with time, but this does not necessarily mean that the love feeling has declined. The feverish excitation of the first days cannot last long, otherwise we would lose all strength! Relationships are transformed, they become calmer, the fear of losing another subsides, but this in itself does not mean that the desire will disappear.
Irina Panyukova notes that those who have not learned to empathize and understand the other often strive to constantly experience passion. Lacking the ability for harmonious relationships, “eternal rebels” find them boring: “They are attracted to strong, even destructive feelings. To intensify relationships, they ignite conflicts and quarrels, provoke jealousy, or often change partners.
After listening to the experts, it remains only to conclude that sex without friendship is a short-term project. Then why are we concerned about the idea that sexuality will dissolve into friendship?
“I need you to be there” Marina, 36, director of an advertising agency
“An unfamiliar brunette caught up with me on the street when I was leaving the office building and handed me roses. I didn’t understand who he was. It turned out – one of those for whom I just held a presentation of the project. Thus began my romance with Andrei.
He really got me. Restaurants, gifts, of course, and he also sent me emails and just letters and confessed his love every day in a new way. He could say, “Do you hear that tune? I dedicate it to the length of your eyelashes.” He always had hot palms, and after sex with him, I cried with delight.
Then I caught the flu and called Andrei to reschedule the date. “Do you need something?” – he asked. An hour later, his driver brought pills, milk, honey, raspberries and a thick blanket. The next day, the temperature dropped, but a wild weakness remained: I went to the toilet, holding on to the walls.
Andrey called: “Do you need anything else?” “To have you by my side,” I sighed. And as the pause dragged on, she asked: “Are you busy?” “Yes,” he said, “but that is not the point. I can not. I’m afraid to get infected. You better get well soon.”
And suddenly something curdled inside me, like milk from a lemon. Our next meeting was the last. He repeated that it was stupid to be offended, asked for forgiveness, yelled at me, but I was not offended and did not get angry. I felt sorry for both of us to tears, but I knew that our romance was over and nothing could be done about it.
Little sex, lots of friendship
Our era assigns too much of a role to sexuality. “It’s time to stop judging whether a relationship is good in a couple by sexual attraction,” says sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc.
“Couples come to see me complaining about decreased desire, but often I find that this side of the relationship isn’t that important to them,” she says. “The goal is not to make love every day, but to live in harmony with our desires and decide for ourselves what place in our lives we want to assign sexuality.”
Just as no two people are the same, no couples are the same. Some put other values first and, even if they don’t have sex very often, don’t feel left out. However, it happens that a couple hides a desire to avoid sexual contact behind friendship. Most often, these are partners who are afraid of their sexuality and unite in this common fear.
“After they stop having sex, they try to protect themselves from the fears associated with it: what if I don’t show myself as a real man or a real woman, don’t feel desirable, turn out to be not up to par, or completely lose control over myself?” explains Ghislaine Pari.
“I have to see partners who are like nannies to each other,” the sexologist continues. “They always show understanding, take on a protective parental role, and they develop brotherly feelings, and the attraction fades away, because there is already a taboo against incest.”
It seems that each couple will have to empirically find out where in mutual openness is the boundary beyond which close family relationships begin, and erotic interest fades away, and look for that balance between sensuality and friendship that will make the relationship harmonious.
Living balance
Relationships go through ups and downs, periods of more or less passionate feelings.
“We want, on the one hand, the comfort and security that friendship gives us, and on the other, eros, which is closer to mobility, suddenness, disorder,” Sophie Kadalen reflects. “We are all trying to find a balance between these two poles.”
But, perhaps, by increasing mutual confidence in a couple, we thereby extinguish the fire of desire?
“If passion gives rise to anxiety, it does not follow that by reducing anxiety, we reduce passion,” Elena Ulitova assures. And most importantly, giving up friendship in favor of passion, we by no means receive guarantees that our relationship will last longer.
“Pregnancy, separations, heavy workload or problems at work – a couple goes through periods in their lives when there are no suitable conditions for passion. And the relationship will be in jeopardy if there are no other supports in them, the psychologist continues. – At such a time, partners keep in touch, showing mutual understanding, attention to the feelings of another, readiness to help. When the difficulties are over, the two can return to an easier, playful relationship. But if there is no friendship, the couple may simply not survive the difficulties.
Friendly feelings can become allies of sexuality, Ghislaine Pari believes: “There is always a share of“ animal ”feelings in sex. It is important to have trust without fear that the other will abuse it and begin to use us. This is especially important for women who need security to indulge in pleasure.”
Passion warms two not always. But if there is no friendship between partners, their couple may simply not survive the difficulties.
Friendship provides a favorable emotional background against which we can create erotic experiences.
According to Irina Panyukova, we are able to “consciously preserve and return to the present the elements typical of the beginning of a relationship: combine the promise of intimacy with a degree of uncertainty, coquetry, playfulness. Maintain interest, sometimes distance yourself, give yourself and your partner a rest, organize inspiring episodes.
Skydive together, take a hang-glider flight, dance together or sing karaoke duet together – and the transition to intimacy will be natural and joyful.
“If each of the partners has a feeling that participation in a couple makes him more than he was on his own, then both friendly and sexual relations will remain,” says Andrey Korneev. “And it won’t be friendship or sex, but something that transcends and connects them.”
Perhaps this is what we call love.
* F. Nietzsche “Human, too human” (Azbuka, 2012).