Today in Nizhny Novgorod they say goodbye to journalist, editor-in-chief of KozaPress Irina Slavina. She committed suicide on October 2 at the age of 47. Irina’s colleague shares her memories of her.
As a psychologist, I deal with topics of suicide. I work with loved ones of those who made such attempts or were able to complete them. I communicate with suicidal — those who survived after the attempt. Therefore, I know a little more than if I were just a journalist.
I have been asked in recent days: “Did you know Irina Slavina?” I began to remember exactly when we met. I scrolled through the entire messenger before the start of our chat. And found.
We knew each other before, we went to various press conferences, we ran into each other during my short work in the press service of the governor. But they began to really communicate later, when I had already left for Moscow.
It was May 13, 2015. On that day, I seem to have commented on her post about the decision to create «Goat». And we went to a personal meeting, where Irina asked me to share my experience in creating websites, the features of submitting materials on the Internet. We started with “you”, and then switched to “you”, when I “got solitaire” that Irina Murakhtaeva, whom I knew from publications in Nizhegorodskaya Pravda, is the same Irina Slavina.
I sent her materials on online journalism, technical recommendations, and she sent me questions about Goat, then asked me to look at the layout and make comments and advice. By that time, I had already been the editor-in-chief of the Moskovsky Komsomolets website and several satellite websites. And since 2014, she has been working as the chief editor of regional projects of MK.
Even then I understood that I was joining something completely unique in Russian journalism. And now I am proud that my experience helped Ira five years ago.
«Do you know what I want? News without censorship. I want Koza to become a platform for regional journalists who do not want to put up with the situation.” Throughout all these years, we have exchanged information, contacts of the necessary speakers and experts, heroes of publications. I threw her topics that other Nizhny Novgorod media refused (for reasons I understand — I have no complaints about them, I myself was in the shoes of the regional editor-in-chief).
She gave me topics that could be brought to the federal level. In the fall of 2019, Irina took up the story of bringing the 15-year-old son of my good friend to suicide in Nizhny Novgorod, it featured a teacher who publicly humiliated him, whose husband holds a high position in the Ministry of Internal Affairs. Two editorial offices of Nizhny Novgorod refused me: “Ol, you yourself understand, we will not be able to publish this. Contact Slavina. Only she can.»
On July 12, we wrote to contact Ira and one of the leaders of the media ombudsman at the Union of Journalists. “The court will be on July 30, Ol,” she said. Then I somehow lost sight of her: I knew that colleagues from the Union of Journalists were aware of the situation and were helping in any way they could.
Inconvenient, «truth-teller», out of the system. This requires a certain warehouse of character and personality traits. But not crazy
And this Friday, the Psychologies editors asked me if I knew Irina Murakhtaeva … I didn’t watch the news and videos right away, but used the proven Scarlett O’Hara trick: “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Delivery of material to the site, meeting on Friday evening. I needed to stay in shape. I saved the worst for later.
And for two days I’ve been crying non-stop. I read different comments: “I had the right, I didn’t have” … “I had to fight” …
Suicidal people who shared their stories with me told me that at this moment, none of the arguments from the series “Think of loved ones …” do not work.
“I was always thinking about anyone but myself. There was an emptiness inside that sucked me out. I didn’t see any way out other than this. The pain was unbearable and there was only one way to get rid of it. It was the first time I finally thought about myself and what I can’t bear. These are the words of one of them.
And here is what another said: “This is the only thing that at that moment is subject to me and under control. In everything else, I’m powerless. This was really scary. But to continue to endure what I endured, there was no strength. And the fear of continuing to live and experiencing terrible pain was stronger than the fear of dying.”
They all saw no other option. Even if someone advises something, it does not help. «Fight!» This does not work! There is no strength to fight. Not anymore. All rational arguments are gone. Because they feel what they feel, and it is unbearable for them. And they will do everything not to be stopped. Therefore, none of the relatives notice anything — «behaved as usual.»
Then the relatives begin to execute themselves, that they should have been more careful. «Could» recognize the desire of a son, husband, daughter to leave … No, they could not! Even listening and remembering the words of those who tried to commit suicide, I cannot imagine what must have happened in those few hours after the search, when Ira made such a decision. I do not believe that she hatched a plan in advance. This is nothing more than a coincidence…
All these are just versions and hypotheses, very far from the truth. Now they will try to make her crazy posthumously. It is difficult to imagine a more sensible person than Ira. Inconvenient, «truth-teller», out of the system. This requires a certain warehouse of character and personality traits. But not crazy.
Once again I remind you and ask: refrain from judgments, depreciation of the act and accusations of Irina. What went on in her soul, we will never know. I dread to imagine what it could be if she made just such an agonizing choice. But it was her choice, she had a right to it. And I don’t accept it, I don’t share it, but I respect it. This is her body, her life. But it is very bitter that she did not see another way out, if there was one.