Do we want to live alone?

The institution of marriage has ceased to be a “sacred cow”. He surrenders under the onslaught of criticism, offering compromise options like a civil or guest marriage. And we increasingly prefer to talk simply about partnerships. But even today they are in question. Why be together if I’m better off alone?

The arguments of those who prefer the solo life, at first glance, are quite convincing. But what do they really mean?

I myself

“I have achieved something in life, I make good money, I can provide everything for myself and my daughter. Why do I need a husband, you ask? exclaims 39-year-old Polina. “Just for the status of a married lady?” This is yesterday, patriarchal views are outdated. I do not need a head of the family who will command me, nor a weakling who will depend on me.

Many modern women can repeat the same words. We have become independent, stand firmly on our feet and feel confident in life – why should we put on a family “yoke”? Pleasant, non-committal romances are enough, and a child, if we decide to have one, can be raised without a partner.

So it’s all about our self-sufficiency?

“It’s still more correct to talk about economic self-sufficiency,” objected the psychodramatherapist Olga Mityagina. – Indeed, the union of two is most often no longer a way of joint survival, as it was before. But if we talk about self-sufficiency in everything, then we make some kind of substitution. We still need a loved one by our side. After all, one of our basic needs is the need for intimacy. We need to receive an emotional response, support, understanding.”

It may be objected that it is enough to have good friends for this. This is not so, explains Olga Mityagina. No matter how valuable and important friendship is, it cannot fill this niche, friendships do not have that high level of intimacy that only close relationships with a partner give and which is very important for us.

“Real” men and “real” women

“Strong relationship? With whom?! Nobody to look at! Real men seem to have hatched, says the daughter of my friend, 33-year-old Veronica. “That’s what my mom thinks.” However, men do not remain in debt, arguing in the same spirit about the disappearance of real women.

It turns out that once there were “real” ones, and new generations suddenly became massively “worse in quality”. How can this be explained? “The reason is that we have lost clear guidelines,” Olga Mityagina reflects. – Previously, in Soviet times, there were stable and very unambiguous ideas about what “should” be a marriage and, accordingly, what “should” be a man and a woman. Now this old model is clearly not working.”

But what then to be, what to focus on? Which of the many options is “correct”?

Instead of listening to themselves, many in confusion grab at ready-made templates that abound in series, TV shows, and popular media. Someone studies the commandments of Vedic wives, someone goes to courses for real men / women.

But it turns out that neither we nor potential partners match these patterns. “If we try to rely on clues, not seeing how stilted they are, inapplicable to a living person, then we are further moving away from ourselves, from understanding who we are and what kind of partner we need,” says the psychodramatherapist. Then, of course, disappointments are inevitable.

Permanent happiness

Love is not eternal, a dull everyday routine kills all romance in a few years, and then why start a serious relationship at all? This is another argument of those who do not seek a lasting union.

“Behind such fears, I hear something else: “for some reason I feel bad in close relationships” or “I don’t know how to build relationships and choose my partner,” Olga Mityagina comments. – Perhaps the roots should be sought in childhood, when for some reason the child did not form a secure attachment. Or that previous partnerships were very traumatic.”

Each time it becomes more and more terrible to open up to another, because there is a risk of experiencing pain again.

And yet there is one typical trap that many fall into, warns Olga Mityagina.

“Now the idea is literally in the air that happiness is a kind of permanent state. And if we do not feel it every minute, then something is wrong with the relationship. But is a relationship only about joy? But what about “in sorrow and in joy, in wealth and in poverty, in sickness and in health”? If we are ready to accept only the positive part of this formula, and do not want to see the rest, this, of course, is evidence of infantilism.

Silent protection

As different as these arguments against serious relationships may be, they have one thing in common: they help protect against mental pain, says the psychodramatherapist. For some reason, I felt bad, I don’t believe that I can feel good, and I’d better not try again. But since it’s too hard to admit it, I build a psychological defense that helps me somehow survive it.

Another question is how reliable this protection is. Psychoanalyst Eric Erikson once proposed a theory of personality development. His idea was that throughout life we ​​face the objective tasks of development. One of them, he considered gaining intimacy with another person, says Olga Mityagina.

“If we do not perform some task, it will still “glow” in our lives, arouse anxiety in us. So, someone can assure that he does not need close relationships, because his life is full to the limit without it. But his turbulent life is just a way to relieve this anxiety.

Are there happy unions?

Perhaps we will dare to admit to ourselves that life alone is not our way after all. What do we do with this discovery?

“First of all, learn to recognize yourself,” says Olga Mityagina. – Start with questions to yourself: who am I, what do I want from myself, what do I want from my partner, how do I see him and our relationship? It is better to answer them in writing and re-read them after some time, catch contradictions, inaccuracies, deal with them. This stage of self-understanding is very important. The ability to be intimate with another comes when we acquire our identity.” Then we will not be afraid to lose ourselves in a relationship.

And yet, what kind of couple can be called happy, despite the fact that happiness, as we have already understood, is not a permanent state?

“It seems to me that this is a union of two mature, self-sufficient people who know and respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of the other, united by some common goal and ready to go towards it together,” Olga Mityagina answers. – They know how to live together natural crises, without which life together is indispensable, and retain the desire to be together. They are always interesting to each other and continue to discover new things in each other. After all, both our partner and ourselves are changing every day.”