The weather is finally starting to please, and just in time – ahead of a long weekend. True, there is a risk that now it will be more difficult to come up with excuses when the parents call to the dacha. Why do they love dachas so much, why are they tearing themselves up so much and why does this annoy us? Psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova reflects on this.
The annual opening of the summer season brings stress to the lives of many families. Our parents are happy to work on their garden plots, hoping that we will share this passion, or at least actively help them.
And we often not only do not want to spend our time and energy on this, but we also cannot understand: what is the point of straining? After all, everything can be bought on the market, and it will cost even less.
Why do they need it?
In my opinion, interest in the beds comes (but not for everyone) in adulthood. Over the years, we are increasingly fascinated by the miracle of the emergence of life, growth, maturation, it is important for us to feel our involvement in it.
In addition, the older we get, the less opportunities we have for accomplishment. And the cultivation of crops during the summer is a very visible, visual matter, it has a beginning, development and brings obvious fruits that you can be proud of. This gives a sense of self-worth, maintains self-esteem.
Isn’t there a selfish desire behind our anxiety – “behave in such a way that I feel calm”?
Watching how parents tear themselves in the beds, we begin to protest: “You should not harm your health!” But isn’t there a selfish desire behind our anxiety – “behave in such a way that I feel calm”?
If for some reason parents are ready to strain, risking their well-being, it means that they need this experience, it is important. Do not, for the sake of your own peace of mind, deprive them of the right to make their choice.
Their ulterior motives
“I have pressure, arthritis, so come and field my cucumbers” … Often, knowing or feeling that we will refuse to spend the weekend in the country, the elders resort to the strongest argument – they complain about their condition, in fact, unconsciously manipulating us.
The motives can be different: the desire to involve loved ones in their hobby, the desire to spend more time with children and grandchildren, the fear of loneliness … Feeling guilty, the younger ones, cursing everything in the world, go to the dacha as to galleys. Or they don’t go – but that’s why they suffer even more.
After all, we must help our loved ones in a difficult situation! That’s just the cottage has ceased to be a necessity. Today, without your potato-carrot, it is quite possible to survive.
be able to negotiate
Before the start of the season, we always agreed with my godmother, a person very close to me: what I can help her with and what not. And then she decided for herself what she would plant this year.
Of course, out of love for a loved one, we can do what we do not like. But – exactly as long as we bring joy and satisfaction to the realization that he is pleased. When we don’t have this bonus from our efforts, helping becomes destructive to the relationship.
About the Developer
Varvara Sidorova, member of the International Family Therapy Association (IFTA), member of the European Association for Psychotherapy (EAP)