Do we need pride?

We often think about things that bring us discomfort, such as loss and trauma. But sometimes it seems that we lack knowledge about what pleases us, gives us strength. One such resource is pride.

What associations does this word evoke?

Here are some answers: achievement, pride in a child, expansion, involvement in something bigger, Anna Akhmatova’s profile, the film Pride and Prejudice, a completed project, a goal achieved, the approval of others, squared shoulders. But there are others: mortal sin, narcissism, arrogance, vanity, superiority over others, contempt.

What do dictionaries tell us? In them we will see three main definitions:

• self-esteem;
• satisfaction;
• arrogance is an overly high opinion of oneself.

Apparently, we have to distinguish between genuine pride and arrogant. And the line is really thin.

Wreath of virtues

Psychology has only recently turned to the study of pride — until recently it was not considered the main feeling, despite the fact that even Aristotle called it «the crown of virtue.»

In 2005-2006, psychologist Jessica Tracy from the Canadian University of British Columbia (Canada) made pride the subject of her research. Among other things, she found out that it is an evolutionary emotion. This means that all people experience it in the same way, regardless of ethnicity and living conditions.

Both in the village and in the metropolis, pride is described in the same way, everywhere its manifestation is straightened shoulders, a raised chin, a slight smile. Even those who are blind from birth — that is, those who could not see someone else’s facial expression and copy it — in moments of pride look exactly the same as other people.

Jessica Tracy also found out that pride does not equal joy or happiness. This is a subjective assessment of one’s own social status.

Efforts and achievements

I suggest you do a little experiment right now. Slowly read the two sentences and pay attention to your feelings.

1. You are great for reading this article. Remember what inner response this sentence evokes in you, and take a short pause before reading the second. Done? Then let’s move on.

2. I’m proud of you. You took the time to read a serious article and learn something new for yourself. Pay attention to your feelings now.

Compare two experiences — the first and the second.

When I conduct this little experiment in the classroom (in this case I usually say “You are great for coming together” and “I am proud of you — you did not go to have fun, but came to a lecture / seminar to study”), then in the first case they say usually, that the pleasure was quick and there was some embarrassment or displeasure at the assessment (“well done”), while in the second case the pleasure is deeper, because there was a recognition of merit, an assessment of the efforts made.

“Who will best praise me…”

It may be helpful for parents to note that the same thing happens when we praise a child. If we evaluate him by saying «well done,» we put ourselves above him. But when we notice his efforts, we give him a reason to be proud of himself.

However, this applies not only to parents, but also to friends. It’s one thing to say to a friend: «You’re doing great,» and another — «I see how you tried.»

It is often said in translated materials that pride is the result of «socially laudable» actions. However, it seems to me that the point here is the difficulty of an adequate translation.

I would say that we are talking about those actions that lead to social recognition and, accordingly, to the formation of a greater sense of belonging to one or another part of the community. And about how we use our abilities, and about what efforts we make to realize them. And a lot depends on the context. An adult is unlikely to be proud of how he ties his shoelaces, but for a child this is an achievement.

A question of motivation

Among the experiments conducted by Jessica Tracy was the following: in two groups, volunteers were asked to solve tasks on spatial perception. Then the first group was given the test results, they were all the same: 94 points. The second group was given the same results, but with the words: «This is an amazing result, few people manage to do the tasks so well.»

After that, the participants were asked to continue testing, and the researchers measured the effort they applied to solve the problems. Those who heard the words of recognition put in 40% more effort than those who simply got a high score. Conclusion: Pride motivates us to put effort into something.

Stability and control

The basic condition for anyone to experience a sense of pride is that they have made an effort to achieve something, and not just possess something. Pride is what I feel inside of me. This experience is unstable and controllable.

Unsustainable — because it requires accomplishment. And since this is my subjective assessment, it does not really depend on what others say about me. I can be praised, but if I do not agree with this, I will not feel proud, undeserved praise will rather embarrass me.

This experience is controlled because the conditions for it depend on me: I can do something to feel pride.

Arrogance is taking credit for success without reason, or success that far exceeds our efforts. The child will be proud by tying the shoelaces. But if at the age of 38 I boast that I can tie my shoelaces and do it in 3 minutes … No, after all, this is not a reason for pride, agree?

Arrogant pride — aka pride — is associated with a grandiose belief in something that is not really there. She is always stable. But it is uncontrollable. And it is external, that is, it depends on the external world, is fed by it. Stable means that I always feel pride, superiority over others, no matter what happens. And uncontrollable — from there it is easy to fall into shame.

Generosity and anxiety

Those who are proud raise their status in this way — but at the same time they are ready to share their own success with others, and this is read in their behavior. And arrogant pride is built on intimidation, domination, submission.

We can easily see this in examples, recalling our years of study. Among your teachers, there were probably both those who felt pride in their knowledge and were ready to generously share it, and those who were arrogant with students, intimidated them with deuces and forced them to cram in their textbook. There is no doubt that the material is absorbed better in the first case.

True pride reduces anxiety because those who experience it want to help others and receive more social support in return. The arrogant are anxious: they have to maintain the illusion of competence and control, to defend their illusory position.

There is a difference in the level of hormones. The arrogant have a high level of testosterone, while the “proud” have lower testosterone and higher serotonin, which means better mood, appetite, libido. The second are happier people even at the hormonal level.

Finally, arrogant pride differs from real pride in the description of the one who experiences it. A truly proud person will talk not only about his success, but about what he did to reach his heights. The arrogant will identify with success and victory: «I’m cool,» period.

Most likely, each of us feels both. We are all a bit of a narcissist, so sometimes we feel pride and sometimes pride.

The point is not to give up some part of the experience, but to become more clearly aware of them. And do not fight with pride — because it allows us to appropriate our own successes and enjoy recognition. And besides, it encourages you to share your abilities and knowledge with others.

And the most important. For pride to work for us, it is necessary to accept the fact that whatever we have and whatever we can do, each of us depends on what the world, people, has to offer him. It is necessary to recognize that experience and possibilities are not unlimited, that we cannot be great in everything, we are not omnipotent.

Give it a try, and then you might be able to use your pride as a huge resource for life, relationships, and happiness.