Open relationships are fraught with many temptations. But can they be a substitute for true intimacy? Or is freedom more valuable?
The times when courtship looked like a theatrical ritual are long gone. The sexual revolution, having proclaimed the long-awaited “you can”, brought relationships without obligations out of the shadows. At our service today there are many possible options: one-night stands, open relationships, «friendship with privileges.»
The American religious scholar Donna Freitas called all these varieties the general term «hook-up» (from the verb to hook up, which can be translated as «cross, connect»), by which she means «a rational form of sexual relations, purely physical in nature.» The hook-up culture spread in the mid-90s among American university youth and has not lost its appeal ever since.
It is enough to pay attention to the popularity of the cult character of the series How I Met Your Mother Barney Stinson, a self-confident womanizer, for whom the art of seducing women is one of the criteria for success. Recent studies show that between 60 and 75% of sexually active young people have had sex without commitment at least once a year.
Price of freedom
Of course, relationships without obligations at first glance make life much easier. Flirting, texting, friendly sex — all this allows us to get rid of the tension associated with expectations, and therefore feel more relaxed. How tempting it is to gain complete control over that area of our lives where we seem to be most vulnerable — the sphere of intimacy. By forgoing formalities, we can afford to be more detached and, ultimately, maintain our independence.
But this style of behavior is easy to get used to. The further, the more difficult it is for us to behave in a situation where we want to make an unambiguous choice, decide whether the next gentleman will receive a pass to the next level or remain a fleeting memory.
“We are talking about fear that prevents us from making a final decision and establishing ourselves in a certain status: we are a couple, we meet, we have a relationship,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova, “when this is not there, it indicates that people do not want to be with that person or even don’t want to be in a relationship at all.” As a result, when it comes to genuine feelings, some of our skills and ideas are out of place.
Everything is simple … as in childhood
“Craving for relationships without obligations is very common among the so-called scammers (kid + adult — “child-adult”),” says Inna Khamitova. “Young people who are afraid to take responsibility for their lives, to make their own decisions, do not want to do this even when it comes to relationships.” Adult life seems too complicated and confusing for them. In it, their desires cannot be instantly satisfied, and an attempt to trust another can lead to an unmotivated refusal.
“How so, because I must be loved!” In the «adult» world, you have to constantly monitor your words, try on another person, show patience, restraint and politeness. There is a temptation to return to the usual style of life according to the principle “I want — I don’t want”, “I like it — I don’t like it”.
Preferring intimacy over noncommittal relationships is not easy, especially when they are already part of everyday life.
The slightest inconvenience becomes a reason for parting. But — no tears, because «we agreed not to wait for something more.» The experience of being in a couple allows us to realize the true value of communication, to learn to listen to the other, to master the art of compromise.
A new acquaintance is always a step into unknown territory. We do not know what we will face, and therefore we are forced to take risks every time. In an effort to maintain the status quo at all costs, we deprive ourselves of new sensations, and in the long term — the possibility of development, evolution.
Vicious circle
Many of those who get involved in casual relationships with unfamiliar partners themselves explain this by the desire to dilute the routine, to get vivid sensations. In fact, such people, without realizing it, often become hostages of another routine — a certain relationship scenario that helps them protect themselves from negative emotions.
“Under the pretense of lightness and windiness, an attachment trauma received in childhood can be hidden,” explains Inna Khamitova. — If the parents did not pay enough attention to the child, did not respond to his needs, he decides that this is how he should behave in the future. In this case, the problem itself is forced into the area of the unconscious. Repeating the same pattern of behavior, he does not think about what complex motives underlie it.
Another example is trauma caused by divorce or the death of a spouse. This is exactly what we see in Claude Lelouch’s Man and Woman (1966), where the characters, who in the recent past survived the death of their loved ones, even though they feel sympathy for each other, cannot overcome the past and decide to open their arms again towards each other. Promiscuity without genuine intimacy can be a way to replace real intimacy with its imitation.
Preferring intimacy to a relationship without commitment is not easy, especially when they have already become part of everyday life. But this step is important, first of all, for ourselves if we want to free ourselves from traumatic experiences and move on in life.