Contents
We all live under pressure from norms and regulations that prevent us from enjoying sex. How to overcome prejudices and become freer? Sexologists Catherine Blanc and Alain Eril answer.
Psychologies: Why is it so hard to find your way in sexuality?
Catherine Blanc: Because we are never innocent, virgin in sex. From the very beginning, we are affected by social cliches, the demands of the family and ideas about what it is to be a woman, to be a man, what a couple and intimate life are.
Alain Eril: And then our personal history also influences. How a daughter or son was perceived in the family, was there rivalry between children, some forms of seduction, which then make it difficult to access pleasure. In sexuality, everyone involves their relationship, their need for recognition and love.
K. B.: So long before we actively explore our sexuality, we already have a sexual identity with do’s and don’ts.
A. E.: And this is not counting the current attitude to enjoy at any cost, which puts additional pressure on us. The idea that sex or even love relationships without an orgasm is meaningless pinches women and causes erection problems for men.
It turns out that we are always defined by some norms?
K. B.: Yes, they are imposed on us, but we ourselves are looking for them! Already in childhood, we are interested in what adults do, especially our parents. As we get older, we also want to know more about other people’s sex lives. And we prefer to live up to what is considered «normal,» stereotypes that comfort us, what everyone else does, rather than looking for our sexual freedom outside the boundaries that others have come up with.
At 40, orgasm in women sometimes takes on new forms. We become more confident and feel empowered to be ourselves
A. E.: This requires effort: to understand exactly how these norms “formatted” us, how these regulations influenced us, helped us in some way, and how they now limit us. This job can take a lifetime.
A lifetime to find your way to orgasm? Isn’t it too long?
K. B.: Fortunately, enjoyment is constantly changing. In our 20s, we want to control our sexual impulses and feel more confident rather than enjoy ourselves. At the age of 30, our attraction becomes calmer, and our pleasure becomes more complete. At 40, orgasm in women sometimes takes on new forms. At this age, we are usually free from motherhood and have taken place as professionals. We become more confident and feel empowered to be ourselves.
A. E.: This is true for men as well. We are gradually freed from our fears, our orgasms become more intense. By the age of 40, we must get rid of the Oedipus complex and resolve the conflict with the symbolic «omnipotent» father’s penis, next to which our own seems to us untenable. Either we already have a child, or we have surpassed the father in some other area, such as work. The one who was only a son becomes a full man.
K. B.: Until our 40s, we compete (unconsciously) with our parents, who are still sexually active. When they reach the age of 70, their sex life becomes less obvious, and we, in turn, are more confident in our ability to enjoy sex. We are freed from the unconscious fear that our sexuality might be mixed with that of our parents.
So, starting a sexual life, we settle scores with our parents?
K. B.: Unconsciously, of course, that’s exactly what it is! Sexuality is what separates us from our parents and helps us completely free ourselves from their influence. The fact that a person chooses partners himself and allows himself to see the world in his own way means that he ceases to be the way his parents wanted him to be. When sexuality awakens in us, we often behave aggressively towards our parents. So we convince ourselves that our desire is not directed to them. This is the teenage crisis!
Sexual pleasure is unexplored territory. Yesterday you felt good, but you don’t know if you will enjoy tomorrow
A. E.: Even adults sometimes continue to focus on what their parents might say in one case or another. I remember I had a patient who, after a long analysis, found that she forbade herself to get more pleasure from sex than her mother. Although, of course, she didn’t know how much pleasure her mother had. She restrained herself in order to conform to an attitude that had been passed from one unconscious to another.
But now we have grown up. What prevents us from reaching orgasm?
A. E.: We would like it to be as easy as pushing a button to achieve orgasm. From all sides we are handed out recipes and instructions. But sex is not only a biological process. Otherwise, 17 seconds would be enough to cause ejaculation. But sexuality also engages our narcissistic wounds, our emotional and relationship experiences…
K. B.: Many women do not enjoy themselves because they try to control how they look: they suck in their stomachs, roll their eyes and say phrases that they think should inspire or excite a partner. Meanwhile, sexual pleasure is unexplored territory. Yesterday you felt good, but you don’t know if you will experience pleasure tomorrow, what kind of look you will have, what sounds will come out, what emotions will arise.
We never experience orgasm in the same way, nor do we express it in the same way. Of course, over time we will inevitably get to know each other better, this reassures us. But the unknown is still there. Difficulty achieving orgasm often indicates low self-esteem, an inability to accept another, or an attitude that “my partner can’t give me anything anyway.”
Conversely, if you have an orgasm, it does not mean that the date went well. Sexual pleasure can be obtained in many different ways. Some of them, gentle, affectionate and delightful, are in no way inferior to orgasm.
Why don’t we loosen control?
A. E.: Because there is always someone else’s point of view. Even during masturbation, it is present as part of our fantasies. And it can just paralyze us. Accepting the unexpected is no longer easy. And sometimes it is completely impossible to accept the fact that another will be a witness to this. Moreover, we never know (by definition) whether this unexpected pleasure will turn out to be too strong: both for the partner and for ourselves. We may be afraid that the unsightly sides of our personality will spill out, or even turn out to be stronger than us. This is a risk, and it requires a lot of self-confidence.
K. B.: In addition, from childhood we are taught to control our body. We learn to control our gestures, gait, sphincter … Orgasm is exactly the opposite: the ability to suddenly let go of ourselves, completely surrender to another, while the rest of our life passes under the sign of control.
In addition, to achieve orgasm, you need to accept everything that we have from animals and which, as it seems to us, is incompatible with «civilization». In the XNUMXth century, blood was drawn to rid the body of bodily fluids. And today we still can’t calmly treat what we emit: lubricant, sperm, emotions… Sexuality is always an adventure, walking on a blade…
What are we afraid of?
K. B.: Sex is a state of delirium. We want to take possession of the other, to absorb it, we want to enter into it, as if we could return to the mother’s body … All these fantasies besiege us.
A. E.: In sex there is aggression, perversion. Freud proved it, sex is not the cozy world of teddy bears! Public opinion, imposing on us a mechanical sexuality with a single “instruction” for everyone, rejects those parts of us that are involved in arousal and are not the most attractive … But it is these parts of ours that boldly violate all boundaries and norms: this is unbridled freedom, defiance.
Hence, I think, the current attacks on psychoanalysis. To limit sexuality to its function, to remove the unconscious from it, is to make it acceptable to society and to each of us…
K. B.: …and deprive us of the ability to experience desire and achieve orgasm.
A. E.: Or business is limited to purely mechanical orgasm. With the help of some sex toys, women reach the peak of sensation in 3 minutes, even faster. It’s a release, no doubt pleasant, but it’s not an orgasm.
K. B.: It’s like with the belief that a man’s ejaculation and orgasm always «go in pairs.» This myth suits both sides: a man is calm, because he has no problems, and a woman feels omnipotent, since she was able to bring her partner to orgasm.
What now, to be an egoist and not to seek unity, merging?
K. B.: Let’s stop trying to be altruists — and then we can finally accept another. Only when I feel firmly myself in the presence of a partner can I really hear him. And not when I get lost in his desires or show him how good I am by forgetting about my pleasure in order for him to get his. Orgasm is self-centered, and that’s great!
We want, as soon as we are in bed, to immediately feel physical intimacy and immediately experience one, or better, many orgasms! But this is impossible
A. E.: From a philosophical point of view, this is a moment of existential experience. I enjoy, therefore I exist. I am experiencing the experience of «being», the experience of being in the world. This is a narcissistic experience, but it does not negate the other. On the contrary: I chose this partner to share a very powerful human experience with him. And I thank him for giving me the opportunity to make this journey.
K. B.: When I come to my senses after an orgasm, I am happy to be with this person. And it is at these moments that the words of love break from our lips.
Be yourself, and then it will be good together: it turns out, is this the secret?
A. E.: Individual introspection here is much more reliable than «working in pairs.» What do I feel the need for, what are my desires, my feelings? How does the other change my perception? How do I perceive her hand on my hip? How does this gesture resonate with me, what do I feel at the same time?
K. B.: We have become insensitive, we live as if under anesthesia. We caress each other mechanically, without thinking. We no longer take the time to feel something. And if the postman kissed me now, would I pay more attention to this kiss? The other has now become us, indistinguishable from us. We no longer go to meet him.
A. E.: And at the same time, we want, as soon as we are in bed, to immediately feel bodily intimacy and immediately experience one, or better, many orgasms! Since this is not possible, we go further and further in search of pleasure: we go to swinger parties or to porn sites. But the solution to the problem is nearby, in our attitude to the other.
Sexuality does not need long hours or complex scenarios: just being “here”, being attentive is enough.
K. B.: Remember how delightful casual touches are at the beginning of a relationship, what a grandiose event it is! Sexuality does not need long hours or complex scenarios: just being “here”, being attentive is enough. And not to be thoughts at work or in the nursery, and then be surprised that you did not feel anything.
A. E.: We are beings who by nature desire. Allowing this energy to live in us all the time is fundamentally important to us. Access to pleasure occurs long before the bodies meet.
How to find your sexual freedom?
K. B.: To begin with, let’s be softer to ourselves, admit that each of us has our own needs and our own rhythm. Everyone makes love differently. Therefore, we can approach sex creatively. Stereotypes calm us down, allow us not to be responsible for our own desires and ways of getting pleasure, since all options are predetermined. But they also limit us when, instead of being a way of self-realization, sexuality only deepens our sense of emptiness.
A. E.: True sexual freedom is that which I, the subject, continually seek and create myself. It is not given to us ready-made. You have to really trust yourself to unleash the unknown part of yourself. In other words, to return surprise and risk to sexuality.
What do sexologists offer
Women, your pleasure is in your power!
“I often hear from my patients that they are afraid to experience an orgasm,” says Catherine Blanc. “Who do they turn into if they let themselves love sex?” Whores? What if they want more, and even with other men, and not just with their husband? This means that the eternal opposition «mother-prostitute» is still relevant. “They are waiting for their partner to wake them up. Feeling his importance, a man sometimes believes that only he has the key to the female orgasm. And the chastity belt slams shut on the double lock of disappointment.
Lock and key cannot exist without each other. It’s a joint task
If a woman does not say what she wants, and shifts responsibility for her pleasure to another, she dooms herself to disappointment and “cuts off” herself from the relationship. Meanwhile, “lock and key cannot exist without each other. This is a joint task. We can always achieve orgasm by masturbating, but the pleasure will not be as intense. Sex is always more risk, but also more pleasure.” Because, Catherine Blanc notes with regret, the same patients complain that they do not experience orgasm at all. They are bound by double frames: you need to have fun and be free … but not too much!
“We are constantly trying to control ourselves! Our advantage over men is that we can orgasm several times in a row without the risk of «losing an erection.» Hence the belief that women are capable of multiple orgasms, when it is always the same orgasm that goes and comes back to them.”
Men, release healthy aggression!
“… After all, it has nothing to do with rudeness,” Alain Eril clarifies. Unlike cruelty, which forgets the other, turns him into an object and tries to destroy him, healthy aggression is a “step forward” within a respectful and benevolent relationship. To recognize this unconscious desire, libido in the Freudian sense of the term, is necessary in order to penetrate into a partner.
However, the desire to devour a partner is manifested not only in the language of sex (“I want you”), but also in the practice of cunnilingus.
If you curb your desire, there is always a risk that it will surface in an even more dangerous and uncontrollable form.
“Meanwhile,” says Alain Eril, “a lot of patients come to me who, under the pretext of accepting their feminine essence or for fear of being branded macho, suppress their aggression and experience problems with erection.” They curb their desire, but there is always a risk that it will surface in an even more dangerous and uncontrollable form. “Of course, penetration is not so harmless. It can awaken archaic fears of hurting a woman or hurting yourself,” the sexologist continues.
Especially if images of defloration and women castrating their lovers fill our unconscious against our will. By acknowledging our aggression, we risk, among other things, arousing the aggression of our partner. The image of the Gorgon Medusa with her stone-turning gaze perfectly illustrates men’s fear of female pleasure. Even though women also need a certain dose of aggressiveness in order to accept a partner.