We are accustomed to think that we communicate with those who share our interests or complement us. But what if a friend is just a mirror in which we see ourselves, our problems and spiritual wounds? Blogger Brianna Wiest reflects on the foundation of friendship.
A couple of years ago, I was in New York for a meditation seminar, and somehow we immediately became friends with a girl who was sitting next to me. We went to dinner that evening and chatted for several hours. Later, when I came to the city on business, we always met and spent the whole day together. I met her friends, she met mine. We were aware of each other’s affairs. It was something like “friendship at first sight” … If not for one “but”.
A few weeks after the first meeting, the friendship began to weaken. Nothing much happened – no conflict, clash of interests or hurt feelings. It’s just that each of us continued to live our lives. I didn’t realize then that we had already played an important role in each other’s lives.
In those days when we still chatted for hours, all the talk was essentially about one thing: about the love failures that we both experienced. It helped me understand something important about the relationship I was in at the time. It so happened that my new girlfriend and I had similar situations with former partners and we both faced a choice: give the relationship another chance or end it.
The ideal partner is the one who fits best into our “love map”
The more my friend talked about her affair, the more naive I thought she was. It was quite obvious that the partner was not suitable for her and it was time to move on. I didn’t understand it then, but her situation was a mirror image of mine, and the advice I so wanted to give her was actually what I needed myself.
We were not just drawn to each other: we satisfied each other’s deep, unconscious psychological needs. After analyzing the relationship with other friends, I found similar features, and I did not like it.
Psychologist John Gottman believes that we do not find a soul mate by chance or providence. He is sure that our ideal partner is the one who best fits into our “love map”, into the unconscious idea of “that very person”.
And these views are not only positive. The matter is not limited to financial stability, attractiveness, ability to communicate and other pleasant traits. What we seek may be a reflection of our deepest needs.
Children of divorced parents do not have much faith in the possibility of a long, happy marriage. Why? Yes, just parting is inscribed in their unconscious love card. And children of dependent parents, growing up, often start relationships with dependent partners. Unconsciously, some of them seek to heal a partner – as compensation for the fact that they were unable to heal a parent.
In a relationship, we are primarily looking for something familiar, it is no coincidence that we choose one person and quickly converge with him, we are drawn to people with similar problems.
When conflicts arise in a relationship and we are annoyed by the way a friend behaves, but we continue to communicate, this means that we look in the mirror at ourselves, observe our own behavior, although we are not aware of it. Often such friendship takes the form of obsession, love-hate, it contains jealousy, envy, and rivalry. We do not see in ourselves what infuriates in another.
When we meet someone who experiences the same heartache, we unmistakably feel this “strange relationship.” Something both attracts and repels us, and we try to help another instead of helping ourselves.
There are many important lessons to be learned about ourselves from relationships with others.
This is why so many of us have toxic friends. The basis of the relationship is not common interests and mutual respect, but the fact that a friend plays the role of a mirror that reflects our worst traits. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we project problems onto each other, try to control, save and change the other, but this does not help either us or him.
There are billions of people in the world, our paths intersect with hundreds, if not thousands. It would seem that it is possible to build new relationships, but the majority remains in a closed social circle.
The idea that there are so many important lessons to be learned about ourselves from relationships with others sounds eerily trite, but only because it’s true. Your relationships, what you experience with friends, is a great opportunity to see yourself more clearly, to understand who you are, what worries you, what is important to you and what you would like to change.
Don’t try to “fix” others and change their lives while judging them for not wanting to change. Better think about the fact that other people’s wounds that you so care about are most likely a reflection of your own. And the way you try to heal them might work for you.
About the Developer
Brianna Vist blogger, editor. Her .
Source: medium.com