Should parents always act in concert to maintain their authority in the eyes of their children? Not necessary. Too firm unanimity can be harmful, says clinical psychologist Isabel Fiyoza.
The child has two parents. Theoretically, he has twice as many opportunities to receive positive messages. Alas, sometimes parents come to the decision to “act according” and most often look up to the more repressive of them. Many parents think that they should act as a united front towards their children. “Front”? And now we are already involved in confrontation and power games. No, children are not looking for a weak point in the parent couple. They are looking for truth. They are looking for opportunities to be happy and develop. They do not necessarily try to “profit” from the disagreement between the parents. And if one parent makes a venomous remark, the other parent may offer an antidote. Children feel what is fair and what is not. For a child, the differences only intensify when one of the parents adapts to the other, to the point of abandoning their own values. Does your spouse humiliate or abuse your child? Have the courage to say what you think, what you feel. Have the courage to put yourself in the place of the child, witness his pain and protect him. Maybe then he can trust you. Conversely, if you do not say anything or support your spouse … you betray him, he will lose confidence in you. Likewise, agree that your spouse takes care of the child when you go overboard. No one is perfect, we all happen to make mistakes, utter rash words, switch off from fatigue or let out our own childhood experiences. Your image will not suffer in the eyes of the child, because he is not looking for an image, but for a real person whom he sees in front of him. By admitting your mistakes, you encourage him to do the same.
A. Bowman “Long. Happily. Together”
“Once upon a time in this world … Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl … She met a prince … She married him, and he turned into a frog …” The end?
Parents are people, they are not always at the same time, and it is important for a child to know this. Why impose on yourself the obligation to adhere to common views? It is much more useful to recognize that several different points of view can coexist with each other. In this case, they can be discussed, exchanged and conflicts resolved. So there is no need for a common front, but there is no need to aggravate relations, compete for who is the best parent, and transfer other conflicts to the sphere of raising children! Let parents do not hide their differences, thereby showing the child that it is possible to live together and love each other, without even thinking always the same way.
Isabelle Filliozat – Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, author of several books, Psychologies expert.