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What are your reasons for starting a new relationship? Why are you registering on a dating site? Why hasn’t it been possible to build a happy partnership yet? An unsuccessful romance begins with inappropriate motives, says psychologist Tata Feodoridi. Together with her, we will try to understand this topic.
One girl was so sorry for the guy in love with her that she decided to try to start a family with him. The second lacked love and care for so long that she began to accept them from a new boyfriend without hesitation. The third was offended that all her friends had been married for a long time, so she immediately agreed to the proposal of an acquaintance who was in love with her.
Needless to say, none of the heroines had a happy family life?
Motive 1. External circumstances
“Well, when are you getting married?” “You are already 33, it’s time to create your own family hearth.” “Notice how Vasya is looking at you from the next entrance. He’s perfect for you!”
Very often, a person’s relationship is not pushed by his sincere desires, but by external circumstances and factors: from the pressure of friends and family to the desire to move out from his parents. But this is not “fate”, but an escape from circumstances, reproaches and advice. Nothing good will come of it.
Motive 2. Loneliness and despair
Imagine that a man is walking along a path and a pack of rabid dogs is running after him. What tree will he climb? Yes to anyone! It does not matter – a tree, a pillar, a roof … There is only one desire in my head – to be saved.
The same thing happens to those who live under the burden of loneliness. He loses the ability to analyze and is ready to be with any partner, just to get rid of his fear. But will there be happiness and harmony in such a relationship? Hardly.
Motive 3. Sexual hunger
When a woman or a man is sexually unsatisfied for a long time, their “sex-love” focus goes astray. Any partner with whom they will be satisfied with sex, they will begin to perceive as their destiny and the happiness of their whole life.
At such moments, a person’s brain turns off, he ceases to be picky and does not think about whether the chosen one suits him or not. Neither the difference in financial situation, nor the lack of common topics for conversation will scare him off, when there will be the only important unifying factor – sex. But over the years, neither sex nor moral satisfaction will remain in these relationships.
Motive 4. Flight from problems
People who start relationships under the influence of this motive do not want to take responsibility for themselves, they want to shift it to another. “Soon my prince will come on a white horse, save me from all problems and I will be truly happy!” They do not like the opportunity to take life in their hands and become adults. Hence the reluctance to grow up, which also becomes an obstacle to a prosperous family life.
This is the same case when a woman from under the wing of her parents falls under the wing of a man. As a rule, the life of such girls is rather mediocre. They understand that without a husband it will be worse for them, so they are ready to do whatever he wants, just to not change anything.
Motive 5. Guilt
A friend has been in love with a woman for a long time. He did a lot for her, but on her part there is neither a mutual feeling of love, nor emotions, nor a heartfelt desire to be with him. But the feeling of guilt dictates: “Look how much he did for you! You must marry him and give birth to a child for him, he is ready for anything for you.
Even if a woman goes for it, the feeling of guilt will eventually develop into a sincere dislike for the person. It’s like with a bank: at first you think it’s great because it will help you with a loan, but when you pull the burden of debt, you start to hate it.
Motive 6. An irresistible desire to have children
It usually occurs in women. A girl gets married and thinks: “In general, he is a good man, he doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, we get along fine with him. Yes, and I want a child so much – you need to take it. Then she gives birth, and the man is on the outskirts. It served its purpose and is no longer needed.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of such marriages, and very devastated men come out of them with complete distrust of women. If you have an irresistible desire to have a child, it is not necessary to drag another person into this story and make him unhappy.
Motive 7. Emotional vacuum
Complete dullness and monochrome in life: work, home and TV series on weekends. Lack of emotions can provoke a person into a relationship: “Vasya is a good guy, I’ll marry him, and then variety will come to life.”
Diversity will come, but not for long. Very soon it will be replaced by the same monochrome that you ran away from. It is important to understand that using a person will never make you or him happier.
About expert
Theodore’s father – clinical psychologist and psychotherapist. Author of self-improvement programs “I am a child”, “My body”, “What hurts the skin”, “Life without anxiety”. Her .