Modern women expect openness from a partner, the ability to understand and share their feelings. And many men are not yet quite ready for such a relationship. For a frustrated woman, the only way out often seems to be a break with her partner. But there are other options for solving the problem, says psychotherapist Liz Higgins.
I know that some of the readers, after reading the headline, may exclaim: “What?” But the research data speaks for itself. When something goes wrong in the relationship of the spouses, women are more likely to initiate a break. Of course, these are the fruits of emancipation: they feel more confident and independent, and in this sense they look at divorce easier than their mothers or grandmothers. Although the gap itself is still hard to bear.
Be that as it may, modern women are much more likely to express dissatisfaction when the relationship with their husband does not satisfy them. There are many reasons for this. For example, ideas about what these relationships should be have changed. And another thing is that men do not keep up with this rapid personal growth, they cannot master emotional literacy so quickly. They still remain emotionally distant and afraid to show their vulnerability, while women, on the contrary, need openness and trust in order to feel a deep spiritual connection with a partner. These days, according to research, women are the initiators of divorce in 69% of cases. At the same time, according to my own observations, the initiators of an appeal to a psychotherapist are more often men.
What is going on? Maybe women give up too easily? Or are men too self-satisfied and unemotional to meet the requirements of their partners? Let’s try to figure it out.
Social and gender scenarios influence perceptions of what it means to be a woman and a man
While millennials’ attitudes about relationships have changed a lot (only 56% of them say they’re ever going to get married), many young people remain swayed by gender stereotypes and scripts. They dream on this basis to build a union for life. Here are typical expectations:
- “I believe that my needs will be the most important thing for you, just as yours are for me.”
- «I believe that we will be able to open each other’s feelings and accept them, because in our time it is so accepted.»
- «I believe that our union will be based on justice and that we will both try to build a healthy relationship, for us this will be the most important task.»
There is nothing wrong with such dreams, on the contrary, many will call such goals healthy. The problem is that expectations are often an illusion. They proceed from the erroneous premise that it cannot be otherwise in the XNUMXst century.
It is not always so. And few of the young couples saw an example of such relationships in the parental family. The result is the collapse of hopes, the experience of resentment, guilt, injustice and uncertainty about the future.
It is interesting that in permanent couples who are not officially married, the partners’ relationship satisfaction is more often at about the same level. What’s the secret here, what do they do right that married people don’t do?
Could it be that there are too many traditionalist or, simply put, outdated expectations, roles, and scripts associated with marriage itself? Here you need to objectively see the unique dynamics of each pair. It is impossible to impose certain roles on specific men and women, based on stereotypes accepted in society. But at the same time, we must recognize that social and gender scenarios influence our perceptions of what it means to be a woman and what it means to be a man. You need to understand that in the modern world, relationships in a couple can be built in the traditional version, or they can be equal.
What matters is the values a particular couple holds and the efforts that partners make to ensure that their relationship lives up to those values. We have moved towards mutual respect and emotional literacy, but it still takes time for a person to learn this.
It takes two to tango, but sometimes the efforts of one of the partners are enough to change the relationship for the better.
I don’t know about you, but when I said “Yes, I agree” to my husband, I really meant it. At least I really wanted to be with him. But did I fully, truly understand what I was signing up for? Probably not. As psychotherapist David Starh, author of Passion and Marriage, said, “Nothing can prepare you for marriage. Just the marriage itself.
Personally, I really wanted to know what I could do to make my marriage successful. I really wanted our relationship to suit us, so that we could have a real partnership. I didn’t want to one day find that I had no choice but to leave, because a) I seem to be the only one of the two of us who is willing to look at things from different points of view and b) I am the only one who is willing to talk directly about problems.
This is why the ability to speak sincerely and openly with your spouse/partner will come in very handy. The ability to approach, to open up your feelings and thoughts, and not to attack from a defensive position, is often the only way to stay connected during all the difficulties in a relationship.
We women lose patience faster than men. And we begin to think that the only way out is a break. But do not forget that we have other options — to discuss problems, and also to seek the help of a specialist (on our own or with a partner) before making a radical decision. It takes two to tango, but sometimes the efforts of one of the partners are enough to change the relationship for the better.