“I feel like I am very small and in the hospital without my mother. I am absolutely helpless, there are strangers around me, no one needs me … ”So one day Elena, my patient, from whom her young man left, confessed to me.
“I feel like I am very small and in the hospital without my mother. I am absolutely helpless, there are strangers around me, no one needs me … ”So one day Elena, my patient, from whom her young man left, confessed to me. Why do some people react to separation with depression? Often this reaction is directly related to early separation from parents. Children under the age of two years cannot endure a long absence of their mother: they are still unable to understand that their mother will return, and if she is gone for more than three weeks, they simply forget her face. They have not yet developed brain structures responsible for memory.
LEAVING THE CHILD ONLY WITH ONE WHO KNOW HIM. AND NOT IMMEDIATELY FOR THE WHOLE DAY, BUT GRADUALLY SO THAT HE CAN GET USED.
In a recent experiment by Canadian scientists, participants talked about themselves in front of an unfamiliar audience*. Almost everyone had a sharp release of stress hormones into the blood at that moment. Then they were asked to speak again, and most of the speakers reacted much more calmly, their hormonal levels did not change. But in 10%, the hormonal surge persisted during subsequent performances: these people experienced violence in childhood or … an early separation from their mother. So, in terms of its strength, the stress of parting is comparable to the stress of child abuse. It’s not just about the departure of the mother. Before the age of two years, a long stay in a nursery or hospital also causes constant severe stress, to which the child does not get used. (Note: in children older than three years, a high level of stress in kindergarten is observed only in the first month, and then they adapt.) garden. On the other hand, brain development suffers, which predetermines poor stress tolerance in adulthood. Those who have such a childhood experience often experience depression and are more difficult to endure separation from a partner (Elena, as it turned out, spent a month in the hospital at the age of one and a half, without her parents). But what about those who, due to circumstances, still cannot stay at home with the baby for the first two, such important years? At least not to leave for a long time or take the child with you. Set priorities, make compromises and do not plan a career breakthrough for this time. When leaving for work, leave the child only with those whom he knows well, to whom he is attached – and not immediately for the whole day, but gradually increasing the time of separation so that he has time to get used to the new arrangement of life. Then the negative effects are mitigated. And most importantly, to give the child at home as much warmth as possible – maternal, paternal, any. The attention and tenderness of loving people will never be superfluous.
* K. Harkness et al. «Cortisol reactivity to social stress in adolescents: role of depression severity and child maltreatment». Psychoneuroendocrinology, 2011, vol. 36(2).