“I’m bored”, “I don’t know what to do next”, “I don’t like it”, “I’m tired” — a child can find many reasons to abandon lessons or a sports section, refuse to learn a new language or finish reading a book. But what is really stopping him from finishing the job? And how to help develop the necessary skill, depending on its nature? Recommendations of the child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova.
There is hardly a person who, having started any business, always completes it. Everyone has their own list of unfinished books, unfinished projects, unsorted things. What makes us delay and not put an end to it? There are no universal causes of procrastination, as well as general ways to get rid of it. Each of us has our own areas of difficulty, which are partly related to the difference in temperaments and personality traits.
“These individual traits are formed in a child from an early age, almost from 9 months, when he begins to actively explore the world,” explains child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — They become distinct for a specialist by the age of five. But parents do not immediately notice them, writing off the actions and reactions of the child to his immaturity.
Only in elementary school, when a son or daughter categorically refuses to go to a ballet or music school, cannot do homework from beginning to end, do adults begin to think: something is wrong with him. Meanwhile, he is able to do something else with pleasure and enthusiasm.
Galiya Nigmetzhanova invites us to look at ourselves and our children in the context of 4 conditional psychotypes, compiled on the basis of numerous observations, primarily clinical ones. In the division of people into 4 types — sensitive, anxious, active and reactive — there is a certain connection with the types of temperament. But it is important to understand that these are just schemes that help to see the child’s personality traits and learn how to provide constructive assistance to him. Over time, the child will begin to realize his strengths and weaknesses and be able to become a helper for himself.
1. Sensitive type
It is very important for such children to be good for someone else. They’ll get the job done just fine when they know they’re going to get the approval of a significant person — a mother’s praise or a teacher’s smile. For the sake of their recognition, they are ready to do anything. They are easy-going and willingly follow those they trust. What exactly to do is not as important for them as the closeness and approval of the people with whom they want to be in contact.
Difficulties begin when praise is lacking or it is replaced by criticism, even if it is objectively correct. Remarks quickly knock the ground out from under your feet and kill motivation. The child feels offended and completely refuses to do the job: “I don’t like ballet,” “I don’t want to play the violin.”
The task of the parents. Set up the child to be good not for others, but for himself, to evaluate himself. Ask more often: “How do you see it yourself? What did you like the most?” Every time he says that he is not succeeding, slowly look over the path he has traveled, remind him of what he has already done, that he has done good.
And, of course, no analysis of his work, no conversation can begin with criticism. First, say that you see good, valuable in his drawing / composition / musical performance. Then you can already notice what is good to fix. It is important that criticism does not sound head-on: these letters are written crookedly, I am disappointed in you — a sensitive child perceives such phrases as a complete disaster.
It’s better to say this: “Your letters in the first line turned out to be good, even. And let’s write two more lines with such letters? And then the child will definitely continue to work. For sensitive people, professions in the helping sphere seem to have been created: they make excellent doctors, rescuers, and social workers. Invite a child of 6-7 years old to take patronage over someone weaker, lagging behind. Or take care of a pet. He is great at these tasks.
2. Active type
Action, movement towards a certain goal is the main thing for them. And emotions, experiences are a sign of weakness, depression. They are annoyed when someone complains, «chews snot.» Things have to be done — they live by this principle. Active people are incredibly productive in those activities with which they internally agree. They are focused on winning, on achieving. True, the range of these cases is quite narrow. But if they have taken on a project, they keep up the pace, and those who slow them down are subjected to the most severe criticism.
What is stopping them from completing their work? A premonition of failure. It is important for an active person not only to do the job, but to get a brilliant result. And whenever there is a suspicion that the result will not be so beautiful, they can easily cut off the movement. They can’t handle losing. It is difficult for them to work in a team: they are focused on the task, and on the way to the goal they lose sensitivity to what is happening around. Moreover, both to their own states (hunger, lack of sleep), and to the needs and experiences of other people. They are tight frames, and step-by-step control causes protest.
The task of the parents. An active child quickly correlates the complexity of the task with his abilities and often refuses what seems to him to be nonsense. Therefore, the task of parents is to teach the child to look at the world more broadly, accepting it in all its diversity. Draw his attention to the positive aspects in those cases that he does not take seriously.
If, for example, your son refuses to participate in the subject Olympiad of the district, considering it too easy for himself, tell him that the questions there are more creative and interesting than at high-level Olympiads, where they mostly lay out standard problems. And that he, perhaps, will find tasks there that will require a non-standard approach.
Their sphere is intellectual research activities. Active children grow up scientists, founders of companies, creative people who are interested in coming up with unusual projects.
3. Reactive type
They are sociable and easy-going people who leave an excellent impression of themselves. Surrounding people are sure that they can be relied upon, they can be entrusted with any work. And they really will bring it to completion, if it can be done quickly. And it would be better right now, until something else captured them with greater force.
These are very enthusiastic, creative people who easily light up with some idea, but just as easily and quickly switch to other things. What he started quickly becomes uninteresting, and routine and planning are tiring. Unlike active people, reactive people often stop in the middle, put off work and procrastinate for a long time.
Moreover, they firmly believe that they will bring the matter to the end, and convincingly tell everyone around about it. They are unpredictable and inconsistent. But their excellent communication skills make it difficult for others to understand how reliable they really are.
The task of the parents. A reactive person really needs a strict regimen, a structured work day and regular checks. Moreover, he needs step-by-step control: tell me, where will you start to complete the first task? Done — show me, check and move on. If you have a big project to work on, let’s sit down together tonight and you’ll sketch out a plan.
At some point, the child gets used to building any business in this way — step by step, step by step. It is better and more comfortable for a reactive person to work in a team, in an enterprise where there is a regime and a clear structure: it can be a team sport, a theater group, a design bureau … Freelance, individual work is difficult for him: he loses himself outside the structure.
4. Alarm type
In principle, it is difficult for such a child to approach some new business. He needs to explain and tell everything in advance, prepare, set up. Anxious children do not like to visit, to unfamiliar places, to new sections. In kindergarten, they are perfectly visible: the child has just got used to the group, and then they offer to go to the music room — and he rests, clings to the teacher and not to any.
They are cautious in everything, extremely selective. Everything new and unknown is disturbing. But what they get used to, they study carefully, delve into the topic. Here, the question of bringing the matter to the end is not even worth it: if he is already immersed in some kind of business, passionate, it is difficult to stop him.
It’s hard to get started and get started. Everything frightens him: I won’t play music, I won’t dance, I’ll sit at home and play cars. They are dedicated to their work. Of those who work for a long time in the same place, no matter what. It seems to his parents that he is not interested in anything, leave him only at home. And if he started, entered the stream, then this is what he will do.
The task of the parents. Awaken in advance the interest of the child in what he has to do, anticipate. Whether it’s writing a school essay or enrolling in a music school. Lay a very long runway. And not with words, but with actions. In order for an anxious child to calmly go to kindergarten, you should prepare almost a year in advance — walk next to the kindergarten, watch the children play there, then look at them for some kind of holiday. And it is also desirable to make friends first with one of his future “classmates”.
Any undertaking for such a child is a serious task for parents. But then, having started the case, your son or daughter will definitely bring it to the end, there is no doubt.
Source: The Art of Understanding the Child (Clever, 2017).