Do you know this state: another person got into an awkward situation, but you want to fall through the ground? What makes us painfully blush for others and is it possible to stop doing this?
She is five years old. She sits and sunbathes in front of the entrance on a plywood board in panties and a hat. Like on the seashore. Grandmothers-neighbors chuckle and play along. They ask if the sea is warm today and how she got such a beautiful hat. She is very happy with her game, she likes so much attention. And then a shadow descends on her. Before she can look back, someone roughly grabs her and drags her up the stairs.
The twisted face of the mother looks so alien. She doesn’t understand what’s going on. It seems something terrible has happened. But what?! “Don’t you dare embarrass me. I don’t want to be ashamed of you!” But no matter how hard she tries, her mother is often ashamed.
She sits in front of me. She is 35 and her mother is long gone. And it’s still a shame. For everything – and for nothing. And the worst thing is that you are ashamed of others. For the groom who laughs out loud and asks her friends such indecent questions. For a colleague who is rude to customers. And even for strangers who find themselves in various awkward situations.
Shame for another simply haunts her, and if you can somehow come to terms with your shame, then this is simply unbearable. Why is this happening to her? And not only with her.
Often this is a “legacy” from parents who themselves experienced a lot of shame and fear “what others will say and think about me.” Parents could talk about their shame directly: “do not disgrace me”, “make it so that I am not ashamed of you.” But the mission was impossible.
Parents looked at us and saw beautiful, obedient, extraordinary and almost perfect children. And we were real and alive. That is, they did stupid things and made mistakes – strong and not very, inadvertently and even on purpose. In general, they did not coincide with that wonderful idea about us.
Shame was unpredictable, like fireballs. And from every “blow” I wanted to disappear
It’s harder when parents don’t talk about shame at all. But they looked in such a way that they wanted to fall through the ground. Or maybe they were harshly evaluated and criticized: “this is wrong”, “this is stupid”, “ugly”. Or they fell into a rage, hysteria due to minor mistakes or faults. Or just joking, teasing, laughing. And for some reason it was not funny to us, but it hurt.
Shame was unpredictable, like fireballs. And from each “blow” I wanted to disappear. Because we are not like that, for such we are ashamed. Over time, this message “I am ashamed of you” became a two-way mirror (one side is mine, the other is parental). If I look at myself, I am ashamed of myself. If I see another in this mirror, I am ashamed of him.
And what to do with this shame? There are some fairly simple techniques that help, if not to “get out” of shame, then at least take a few steps towards the exit.
Feeling ashamed of another:
• Say to yourself, “It’s not my shame.” That is, you feel it, but it is not yours. You did not choose him, he passed to you by inheritance. And you have the right to refuse it, not to drag it further into your life if it bothers you.
• Find three similarities and three differences from another – the one for whom you are ashamed. Remind yourself: “We are different, this is not me, this is not about me.”
• Take courage and try to immerse yourself in this experience. Imagine yourself in the place of another and say to yourself: “If it was (a) me, I would be very ashamed, but I could cope / cope, I could (la) survive it, those close to me would not refuse me and the world would not collapsed.”
At first glance, these methods may seem ridiculous. Surely there will be strong resistance, but you still try. Each time you will feel that the situation is slowly changing. And now you are already looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling, not blushing.
About the Developer
Natalia Anischenko Clinical Psychologist, Gestalt Therapist and Coach.