I rarely get into conflicts. What does this mean in my case? This means that for the most part I keep my opinion to myself, because it may not suit someone. This means that I independently experience all sorts of contradictions that are inevitable in communication. And my neurosis tells me a big human thank you.
Once, a good friend of mine, let’s call her Vera, invited me to visit her country house. I had my dog with me, a young labrador. We slept (meaning me and the dog) downstairs in the living room. And for a week everything went great — we played tennis, walked, and read poetry in the evenings. Until the hostess’s friends joined us for the weekend. It’s time to pack, at home there are, I must say, in bulk, but in the process of simple castling, the dog and I are sent upstairs to the girls, and the living room is left to the young man. But the thing is, a stupid Labrador can’t climb those steep stairs. It must be left below. But this turns out to be impossible. A young man — by the way, a doctor — is mortally afraid of dogs. True, he himself is silent, but Vera starts up in earnest. Let the dog sleep outside. Who? My busik-syusik, to which I kiss the tummy? Sleeping in the yard? Are you sane, dear? (Just don’t think that I’m saying these words, they crackle inside me.) In short, an oil painting — in the place of a sweet, generous, bohemian Vera (also, by the way, a dog lady), a pure shrew ignites spontaneously. The dumb doctor, apparently, needs to be kept as a combat unit. And we are strangers, right? But I nevertheless do not enter into a conflict, like I agree to all the conditions. As a result, everyone sleeps according to the master’s scenario. The dog, however, is not on the street, but scratching and squealing in a tiny hallway. I, tormented and squealing, on the second floor, and from four in the morning — on the street. A young man sees light dreams in the living room. Breakfast is passed in silence. Fortunately, this day is a departure. My head is splitting, I am depressed, Vera and I never met again.
- «Do not be afraid!» with Anna Arkatova: Don’t be afraid of the surgeon
But here’s another example. You know, I can’t stand medieval castles. Not that they offered me to live in them — but the excursion was enough to consider the day ruined. They seem to me incredibly dull and hopelessly similar to each other. And out of six days in beautiful Paris, I have to spend two on a trip to the castles of the Loire. Someone else would only dream about it — but I am in anguish. Our colleagues — a couple of journalists (this is their idea) — even rented a roomy car and a hotel. There are four of us — colleagues, me and my husband. (Oh, four is the most controversial format, just so you know!) And the closer the day of this trip, the more unbearable the thought of the Middle Ages. I tried to persuade myself and somehow rein in there. The situation is aggravated by the fact that my husband is held hostage (these are his acquaintances). I would humbly pull myself together and sacrifice my whims for the sake of common (well, not to the Sverdlovsk region, after all, you are being taken!) Pleasure. In short, I rebelled. I said: sorry, if you like, I’m wildly sorry — but I can’t. I DON’T WANT. Collapse, silence, we have already deposited the money. And you know — nothing! Everyone left without me. Had a great time. I enjoyed Paris, guys — the Loire Valley. I had to explain myself to my husband in more detail (not very pleasant, but not fatal!).
You can’t even call these situations conflicts — for example, a reaction to standard inconsistencies. But when the puzzle shifts day after day and you do nothing to restore it, you eventually stop recognizing yourself.
Once my neighbor in the cabin was … a pilot. He was on an internship. And with pleasure he told, as they say, about the intricacies of the subject. When I convulsively grabbed the armrests in the turbulence zone, he smiled — don’t worry! For modern aircraft, the normal mode is just “chatter”. They have everything done just for this pitching. And the passengers think it’s right when it’s calm!
Commentary by Alexey Sivov, psychologist and family counselor
“Conflict is built into us evolutionarily. But this is by no means a primitive confrontation that reigns in the animal world, when the loser must either leave or die. And the conflict with the possibilities of negotiations, clear boundaries of what is permitted and not allowed, since in confrontation there is nothing more important than boundaries.
In the first story, the heroine avoids conflict. But as a result, the relationship still turns out to be spoiled. It turns out that there was a hidden conflict. The mistress unexpectedly set too rigid boundaries, the violation of which would be inadequately punished. That is, a quarrel or scandal would break out. The heroine-guest did not dare to define her boundaries. Instead, she, tormented, sacrifices her own sleep and peace for the sake of an imaginary world.
The second story is more clear. It is about the opportunity to defend your rights and desires without injury. The heroine consciously enters into a conflict — albeit non-aggressive, but still risky, due to the fact that a close person, her husband, is also involved in it. Nevertheless, as they say, no one died, everyone satisfied their interests. Nobody has to do what they don’t want to do.
Conflict is a difficult but absolutely necessary period in a relationship. Any spheres of human existence — love, family, professional, friendly — do not pass the stage of conflict. Often a person lives in a world of illusions, and they tend to dissipate at the most inopportune moment. The conflict can precede this metamorphosis, prepare, force to reconsider some positions in the relationship, without waiting for deep disappointments. Parting with illusions is painful, but necessary — it is very difficult to live in a fairy tale.
Why not be afraid of conflict? Many are afraid of him because of the possible aggression. And violations of personal boundaries — with their own anger or the anger of an opponent. To establish a milestone, it is enough to say firmly: «I am dissatisfied, and my anger is justified.» And it is important to remember that boundaries are most often clarified in conflict. And he is not at all an op with a cry, but a bitter pill of reality. At the same time, it is important not to turn a constructive clash into a psychological game “the fool himself”, when not personalities collide, but emotions, but stick to the negotiation format.