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We usually think that the fulfillment of desires is a direct path to happiness. But do we really want this? And why sometimes a dream that has come true does not please, but disappoints?
How to achieve what you want is what many books on popular psychology teach us. Let’s name at least “The Key”, which became a bestseller and gathered billions of fans around the world1. Visualization, affirmations, auto-trainings – many different techniques are used. No one doubts that we certainly need to achieve what we want.
However, at the same time, stories, parables and anecdotes are orally transmitted that frighten us with the fact that the fulfillment of desires can severely disappoint us: “Beware of your desires, because they can come true!” There is definitely a contradiction here! Where does it come from and how to resolve it? We decided to figure this out with the help of our expert, family psychologist Elena Ulitova.
Leave room for dreams
We have worked long and hard towards our goal, and finally we have reached it. Why do we feel only disappointment instead of joy? “In practice, this is a common result – depression and disappointment,” says the psychologist. “There are several reasons for this. When a dream comes true, it becomes a reality, and the place in our soul where she lived remains empty. In our inner life we relied on a dream, but now we have no such support. It takes time to create a new support system, but for now, instead of a winged flight, there may be a feeling of failure or, in a softened version, uncertainty, instability.
It seems that it was this experience that Pushkin described in the poem “Labor”: “The longed-for moment has come: my long-term work is over. Why is an incomprehensible sadness secretly disturbing me?
Elena Ulitova confirms: “The completion of a project, the publication of a book, the opening of a solo exhibition, the end of a big and important business can become an occasion for experiencing sadness, emptiness, and some depression.” Unwanted addition to desire!
And how to avoid it? “Big dreams don’t come true overnight,” the psychologist reminds. – We are always able to some extent to foresee when the “desired moment” will come. It is worth preparing for it by asking yourself: “What next?” and starting to make new plans in advance.
Think in your own way
Disappointment can be a sign of the fulfillment of not one’s own, but someone else’s desire. “This happens to those who have not gained psychological independence,” explains Elena Ulitova. – Go to college, get married, have a child, take a position – sometimes this is the fulfillment of parental desires, and not your own. Authoritarian parents can prevent a child from setting their own priorities.” More often this happens with young people who have no life experience, but in some cases the parenting program works all their lives.
A simple question can save you from wasting energy: who wants this – me or my mother (dad, grandmother)? Sometimes we are forced to act by a feeling of protest according to the principle “to spite my grandmother I will get frostbite in my ears”. The desire to freeze our ears – even our own – is not good for us, because it is not born from our inner needs at all. The psychologist advises to carry out a simple check: “Before you rush to fulfill a desire, try it on yourself like a new dress: does it suit you, is it comfortable in it, does it constrain your movements?”
Know that a lot can change
We cannot always predict all the events and feelings that will follow the fulfillment of a desire. “I was preparing for marriage like heaven,” says 25-year-old Veronika about the events five years ago. – He was my handsome prince, my parents gave us an apartment, I had no doubt that we would be happy.
But it turned out that I was not at all ready to make many decisions on my own. I called my mother to ask what to cook for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I experienced constant fatigue, reaching a headache. And in addition, I felt terribly guilty in front of my husband and the others for the fact that I was so depressed, instead of exulting and enjoying.
Friends said so: “Another in your place would be just happy!” Fulfillment of desires changes our way of life and relationships with other people. “Having received something that is valuable in the eyes of others, we may encounter jealousy and envy, and these people are often not aware of their feelings,” Elena Ulitova reflects. – So, one of my clients suffered, having defended her doctoral dissertation: her husband was not ready for the fact that his wife would receive a degree before him. And her family life was in jeopardy.”
So luck can be just as much a reason to see a psychologist as bad luck. A psychologist also helped Veronica: “We made a list of questions that I had to find an answer to, order began to build out of chaos, and I gradually calmed down.”
Avoid comparisons
A fulfilled desire in itself does not guarantee us happiness, including because in reality it may not appear at all as rosy and magnificent as our imagination painted it. 24-year-old Lada dreamed of a trip to Paris: “But it rained all the time there, and I had to stand at the Louvre for two hours.” And 36-year-old Igor finally bought a silver Dodge … and almost the next day he found almost the same one in the parking lot near the office! “I understand that this is irrational, but it felt like I was cruelly deceived,” Igor is upset.
“Comparison is a deadly poison for pleasure,” emphasizes Elena Ulitova. – And both in the case when we compare ourselves with others, and when we compare what we have with a certain ideal. Increased criticality and the pursuit of unattainable perfection devalue what we have.
Celebrate for sure!
Sometimes we don’t even notice that our wish has come true! We simply skip the moment of achievement, immediately moving on to the next desire. “This behavior is reminiscent of the demands of a child who craves more and more toys or sweets, throwing the old ones away,” says Elena Ulitova. “Behind this is an unsatisfied thirst for love and acceptance.”
Evaluate what you have received, consider it from all sides, say to yourself: “I have achieved this, now I have it,” and then share my joy with those who are ready to be sincerely happy for us (just tell them or celebrate together) – this is the algorithm with which we can put a shining tick of happiness in the margins of our lives.
“The contradiction between psychological recommendations and common advice is apparent,” concludes Elena Ulitova. “It’s not the achievement of what we want that disappoints us, but the fact that we either get into this situation unprepared, or we inaccurately formulate our desires and do not fulfill what we really want.” And the call to “fear” clearly does not come from someone who wishes us well, no matter what he refers to.
“I would replace this word with “be careful” or “be environmentally friendly” in my desires,” the family psychologist concludes.
Imagine…
One of the techniques to help achieve what you want is to clearly imagine the result. But studies have not confirmed the effectiveness of this method.1. Moreover, visualization has the opposite effect! The workers who were instructed to visualize the target felt less energy and performed worse than those who did not. Why? If we imagine that we have reached the goal, the brain takes the imaginary picture for reality, sending the command to the body to relax. Blood pressure drops, pulse slows down: we lose energy that we could use to move towards the goal.
Does this apply only to complex social goals? No. Volunteers were not allowed to drink, and then asked to imagine a glass of water. The measurements showed that their brains reacted as if they had quenched their thirst. The desire to drink weakened, they stopped trying to find a drink. In the desert, this would not help us! Therefore, it is better to think about how to achieve our goal than to imagine that we have already achieved it.
1 H. Kappes, G. Oettingen «Positive fantasies about idealized futures sap energy». Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2011, vol. 47, № 4.