Do not agree? Say so!

“It is difficult for me to express my opinion out loud – it seems that my colleagues will not take my words seriously,” Alla, 34, admits. “In different queues, I am often overtaken by all sorts of rogues, and I never dare to protest,” says 48-year-old Milana. These difficulties speak of the same thing: it is difficult for Alla and Milan to express their point of view, to protect their interests. In such cases, psychologists are reminded of assertiveness – the ability to “assert yourself.”

Passivity, aggressiveness, assertiveness

Assertive, or confident, behavior (from the English assert – to assert, defend) was first described in the late 50s of the twentieth century by the American psychologist Andrew Salter. He believed that a person can achieve his goal not only with the help of aggression and manipulation, but also in another way – freely expressing himself and not infringing on the interests of other people.

Assertiveness is a confident, non-aggressive behavior that reflects our ability to speak openly and directly about our desires and intentions, our ability to get our own way without harming another. “An assertive person is self-confident and ready to take responsibility for his actions,” Sergey Kharitonov explains. “He is able to be the first to start a conversation, put forward his own demands, express wishes and requests, defend his rights, firmly say “no” … And, most importantly, he does this in socially acceptable ways.”

Why are we silent?

But why is confident behavior so difficult for many? Whatever the situation – personal or professional conversation, one-on-one or in the presence of strangers, with a friend or a casual passer-by – a variety of fears control our behavior. We are afraid of being misunderstood, of becoming the initiators of a conflict, of not being up to par…

“Most often, fears arise when a person is either in the role of a dominant, or in the opposite role – a subordinate,” says Sergey Kharitonov. – It can be difficult to express to a “superior” person what really worries you. But the leader, fearing a violent reaction from his subordinates, sometimes also does not allow himself to speak directly.

In hierarchical relationships, it is not easy not only to confidently make a critical remark, but also to decide on a positive statement. “I really wanted to tell the head of our department about how wonderful she looks today,” says 29-year-old Irina, “but I restrained myself because I was not sure of the appropriateness of my words. When I finally decided to compliment her, she was genuinely delighted.”

“It is worth thinking about what consequences silence can cause,” says Sergey Kharitonov. Your colleague’s mood could have improved, but you did not dare to say something pleasant to him. The subordinate could start to take his job more seriously, but you did not reprimand him. Timely spoken words are often much more useful than silence.

Our behavior is also influenced by the culture in which we live and grow up. “In the Russian tradition, a bright “presentation of oneself”, a statement about one’s feelings and desires is not welcome, it is considered a sign of selfishness, notes Sergey Kharitonov. “You can evaluate yourself highly and positively, but remain silent, because such an attitude towards yourself is not accepted in our environment.”

The ability to express one’s point of view confidently and with respect for another person is often hindered by … excessive concern for the interlocutor, who may be offended by a negative opinion about his statements or actions.

“Learn to choose words that can accurately convey your opinion,” advises Sergey Kharitonov. – Instead of “how stupid that sounds” say “I don’t think this is appropriate”, and instead of “I did not understand anything from what you said” – “I think it can be said more precisely.” So you can convey to the interlocutor what really worries you, without hurting his pride at the same time.

Recall the times when you were able to express yourself and get your way without offending another. Start to master this behavior pattern in everyday life – for example, in common situations where the calm and confident assertion of your requirements is simply necessary.

The restaurant brought you a cold dish. In such a situation, we often silently get angry, instead of sending the dish back to the kitchen. It seems to us that protesting in such a situation is awkward or too selfish. However, it is our right to get what we paid for.

This is not about whims, but about the fact that you respect your work and appreciate what you have earned. You have every reason to expect the dish to be hot. If this does not happen, you should communicate your disappointment and ask to change the dish or reheat it. All this seems perfectly obvious, but it is not always easy to do so. If you don’t know how to make a claim, start by asking, “Is this dish really supposed to be cold?”

In the store, the seller shortchanged you, giving change. According to the unwritten laws of life in society, it is not customary to talk about money. The fear of seeming greedy will make someone resign and leave, but you can act differently. Calmly ask the seller if he made a mistake using neutral phrases: instead of “you didn’t give me change”, it’s better to say “in my opinion, there is less here than it should be.” Then your words – at least in form – will not be an accusation, and you will be able to avoid conflict, but still get your way.

Your opinion does not coincide with the opinion of others. We want to arouse sympathy in others, so we often agree with the opinion of the majority, even if we don’t really share it. The other extreme is to express your disagreement too harshly and categorically.

To find a balance between passivity and aggressiveness, try not to speak under the influence of uncontrollable emotions. Think about your arguments in advance and always choose language that emphasizes the subjective nature of your statement: “I don’t feel comfortable contradicting you, only …”, “I don’t want to sound too critical, but in my opinion …”

You intend to ask for a pay rise. When we are about to talk about reviewing our own salary, we unconsciously fear that we will be considered overconfident. In other words, we ourselves are not very sure that we deserve more. Of course, it is not always easy to objectively determine the value of our own work, especially if we are not too confident in ourselves in other respects. To make your position in a conversation with your superiors look convincing, stock up on weighty arguments: for example, you have specific achievements, increased responsibility, or long work experience.

Try not to use categorical and controversial formulations in a conversation. It is better to build your arguments in the form of step-by-step constructive questions: “Under what conditions is it possible to expect an increase?”, “How long can this happen?”, “What salary can I expect?”, “Is a promotion possible?” A conversation in this vein will allow the interlocutors to formulate their thoughts and maintain their own dignity.