The list of requirements for a future life partner is endless, and each new date only moves away from meeting with the ideal partner. What to do — accept disappointment and abandon high standards or stay true to the ideal? Neither, says social psychologist Madeleine Fougeres. The best strategy, in her opinion, is to combine both options.
You know exactly what you want, you imagine in detail what “the one” should be — your ideal. But for some reason, all the requirements can not be embodied in one, real person. What to do? Stop hoping and waiting? Stand your ground and reject unsuitable candidates? As usual, the correct answer is in the middle. Certain qualities are necessary for relationships to develop. And you can close your eyes to others.
When to Hold a Plank
What traits should a partner have? Answering this question, everyone will name something important for themselves. For example, wit, adventurism or integrity. But according to research, most often people want the chosen one to be honest, reliable and respect them (M. Fougeres et al., 2016)1.
Indeed, it is on these three qualities that a successful partnership is built. Mutual respect and honesty even more influence the quality of relationships than sympathy and love for each other. Therefore, when it comes to these basic characteristics, it is better not to fall back from high standards and not to mess with fickle and cruel liars. But what about other character traits?
When you can deviate from the ideal
In another major science project, participants named the most important traits of an ideal partner: intelligence, a good sense of humor, honesty, kindness, and beauty (Richard Lippa, 2007)2. It turned out that some of these qualities have less effect on the success of a relationship than we think, so the bar can be lowered a little.
To prove this, psychologist Paul Eastwick and his colleagues created fake «soulmate» profiles for each participant in the experiment. One combined the most desirable traits, the other the least desirable. The participant was expected to like a candidate with the desired qualities, and one whose characteristics did not meet the requirements would be rejected.
But after a personal meeting of the participants with potential partners who tried on fake profiles, it turned out that the initial requirements did not affect the real sympathy for the new acquaintance. This study showed that even if a partner has all the desired qualities, this does not guarantee that he will arouse sympathy. In addition, it turned out that in an already established relationship, partners belittle the features that they wanted to see in the second half before, if the real lover does not possess them.
The more often you reject others, the sooner you internalize the “rejection mindset”, the more you close off and lose the opportunity to find a mate.
The last thing we need to do is hold ourselves to high standards when it comes to visual appeal. People who are considered beautiful are usually more demanding on the appearance of their partner. Others seem less attractive to them and generally unsuitable for starting a relationship.
Moreover, psychologist Shaw Taylor3 and his colleagues found that relationship seekers on dating sites and apps tend to hang out with candidates who are prettier than themselves. But positive feedback is received from those who match their own level of physical attractiveness.
Therefore, do not weed out everyone who is a little less beautiful than you want. Remember — the more often you reject others, the sooner you internalize the “rejection mindset”, the more you close off and lose the opportunity to find a mate.
When low standards hurt
In a seminal book on interdependent relationships, social psychologists John Thiebaud and Harold Kelly discuss the theory of social exchange. Its essence lies in the fact that in relationships we not only receive a reward, but also have to give up something (“Interpersonal Relations. The Theory of Interdependence”, Moscow University Press, 1984).
But we all deal with losses and gains differently. Thibault and Kelly introduce the concept of «level of comparison». The level of comparison roughly corresponds to our requirements or expectations from the relationship. If your standards are high, then you generally expect to receive more than you give. And if it doesn’t work out as expected, you will be disappointed.
Accordingly, those who initially have a lower bar of requirements are most satisfied with their relationship. But at the same time, it’s important to understand that being unassuming in a relationship can lead to your partner being toxic. Overall, however, research shows that setting high standards for some aspects of a partner’s personality and lowering the bar for others is the perfect recipe for a healthy relationship.
1 Fugère, M. A., Chabot, C., Doucette, K., & Cousins, A. J. (2016, June). Similarities and Differences in Mate Preferences among Women and their Parents. Poster presented at the annual meeting of the North Eastern Evolutionary Psychology Society, Nova Scotia, Canada.
2 Lippa, R. A. (2007). The preferred traits of mates in a cross-national study of heterosexual and homosexual men and women: An examination of biological and cultural influences. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(2), 193-208.
3 Shaw Taylor, L., Fiore, A. T., Mendelsohn, G. A., & Cheshire, C. (2011). “Out of my league”: A real-world test of the matching hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(7), 942–954.
About the Expert: Madeleine Fougeres is a professor of social psychology at the University of Eastern Connecticut. Author of The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships.