Do I need to teach children to hit back: the opinion of parents and a psychologist

More recently, we told the story of Keaton Jones, who was persecuted to such an extent at school that he was even afraid to go to the cafeteria. The boy was stuffed with bacon by the collar, doused with milk, thrown with bread. And that’s not counting the name-calling. Keaton, one might say, was lucky: to the video, in which the boy emotionally tells that he does not understand why people are so angry, celebrities reacted and wrote him words of support.

In our schools, there are also plenty of such incidents: forums and social networks are filled with stories of angry and upset parents who are faced with a situation in which they themselves can do little to help. You really can’t run to school or kindergarten on your own to punish the offender. Sometimes peacekeeping conversations with a teacher, educator, the bully himself or with his parents do nothing, but only exacerbate the situation. So is it time to start teaching children self-defense earlier than the alphabet?

Recently, in one of the anonymous communities where users share their stories, the following story appeared from a worried father:

“One day my daughter came home from school and said that in the morning a third-grader had molested her – he threw her portfolio and called her names. Well, I think, children’s showdown, why go there. But the situation began to worsen, and this boy began to beat my daughter and other girls who came earlier. This is very convenient: there are no teachers at the school yet, and the guard, although a very good person, could not do anything except comments. I talked to our teacher, she – to the boy’s teacher, but this caused a new round of aggression, concentrated on my daughter. I went to the principal, but she replied that she sympathized with me, but the only thing she could do was to forbid the children to go to school until the teachers arrived. “

The bully continued to terrorize children with impunity. When it was not possible to resolve the issue in an adult way, the man taught his daughter to defend herself and was pleased with the result. Parental pride could be seen in the detailed description of the fountain of blood that gushed out of the bully’s nose through the efforts of his child … The author said that after such a rebuff, the boy’s parents had already rushed to the scene. But the victims unanimously declared that he was to blame. More such stories were not repeated. And the father eventually admitted that he was not proud of his deed, but he also did not regret what he had done.

Someone found the story instructive, some cruel. Olga Sidorova-Sherstobitova, a mother of four children from Rostov-on-Don, has faced similar situations more than once. At the same time, the “wall to wall” method does not approve, as I am sure that you can always agree and understand why this or that situation has arisen:

“I often went to kindergarten. But at school I tried less to interfere in the relations of children. One of the daughters, a fourth-grader, recently found herself in an interesting situation. For some reason, a friend bit her on the shoulder, so hard that she screamed. So they roared together, one from pain, the other from resentment. Still, it’s easier with girls. It is easier for them to explain why it is worth focusing more on words than on actions. By the way, our dad always insists that you need to be able to give back, and it’s not easy to convince him. “

This, as it turned out, is a fairly common situation – it is the fathers who figure in most of these stories. After all, men themselves are hot people, they are much more likely to show off relations with their fists. According to educational psychologist Victoria Arkhipova, this is due to gender differences. Moreover, such a behavioral pattern applies primarily to complete families with two parents.

“The question of whether it is necessary to teach a child to give change cannot be answered unequivocally,” says Victoria. – Let’s look at the problem from the point of view of the expression of aggression. Let’s go from preschoolers. Children aged 2-4 are actively socialized, which leads to clashes. Remember – each conflict is individual, in no case should they be grouped into one or another category. On the contrary, you must always understand the reasons, look at the situation from several sides. Since children do not know many moral aspects, it is useless to explain to a child that this is good or bad, he defends the right to be in this group with his little fists. The task of adults is to resolve these conflicts. “

As for schoolchildren, it is important for both boys and girls to teach a few simple principles: respect yourself and your body; if you can avoid conflict, you better do it; if this is not possible, then you can give back, but so as not to cause serious injury to the offender.

The psychologist includes the last point in the list for a reason. It is important to remember that children do not have perfect self-control, do not know the consequences of a blow. In addition, it is important to convey all this to the child in an accessible way so that the confrontation with the offender does not develop into open aggression directed against weaker children.

It turns out that in a child you need to educate both a personality and a fighter? But this is always a double-edged sword: on the one hand, a modest, overly educated or simply squeezed schoolboy will not beat his peer, and even more so one who is younger. On the other hand, these days neither one nor the other is unlikely to do without at least self-defense skills – it will be useful for them both at a very young age and in high school. The final decision always remains with the parents, experts advise them to send their children to sports clubs – this is both an interesting hobby and an opportunity to learn how to stand up for oneself.

How to be here, the decision is up to mom and dad. However, in any team there are so-called difficult children. And competent, responsible teachers should initially identify them for themselves, find a special approach to them and work not only with them, but also with their parents. And preferably long before their antisocial behavior harms anyone.