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The relationship of many couples is arranged in such a way that a man financially helps his partner: he buys her clothes, pays for cosmetic services and joint trips to a cafe … But sometimes he does it only “on credit” — and after a breakup, he suddenly demands payment of bills. It was in this situation that our heroine found herself. Her story is commented on by a psychologist.
One 23-year-old girl complained to forum users about the volatility in the character of her former boyfriend. During the relationship, her partner was generous with gifts and household expenses: he was ready to pay for cosmetic procedures, help with the purchase of things, or completely update his beloved’s wardrobe.
The guy has repeatedly said that he likes to spend money on a loved one. He also emphasized that he considers the situation low in which people take gifts after parting. However, after a small quarrel, he seemed to have been replaced: the guy not only demanded back all the gifts, but also asked to reimburse the amounts that he spent on the girl during the relationship.
Everything to the penny — for every manicure, eyelash extensions, for every check in a restaurant. The amount, as you can understand, turned out to be not small — the young people were in a relationship for several years. The guy answered the girl’s claims simply: “I don’t care. Look for money wherever you want.
The opinion of forum users about this situation was divided. Some advised the girl to return all the gifts and money so as not to humiliate herself in front of her former partner. But there were also those who recommended not to succumb to the provocations of the young man and leave everything to yourself.
Why did the partner change his mind so drastically? And how should you handle finances in a relationship? Psychologist Yulia Reshetnikova argues.
Disturbed balance
Such a scenario is possible if the balance of «give-take» is violated in the relationship. And this is not only about the financial sector. Everyone invests in the relationship what they can — attention, care, time. Money is just one of the items on this list.
In this case, the reaction of the partner is a surge of accumulated tension over a long time. Another option is that in a couple there might not be clear boundaries in the topic of finance — each understood the situation based on their experience and desire, thinking out “white spots” and drawing conclusions for a partner. Often this distortion occurs in a couple that has no practice in discussing financial issues.
It may be that money was the central and important core in the relationship of the heroine, the main way for a partner to show his love and attention to her. Then he will resolve conflicts and compensate for grievances in a way that is understandable to him — through finances.
What does such an act say about a partner?
The quarrel has touched something important in the partner, and through such behavior he expresses his feelings. They can be very different — from resentment and disappointment to aggression and a desire to punish.
On the other hand, money is often a way of manipulating narcissistic partners. Such a person perceives a partner as an “extension” of himself, and if a conflict or separation occurs, recently a seemingly beloved person becomes his enemy.
Narcissists value power in relationships, and money is the first way to show it. It may also be that they deliberately create situations where the partner becomes financially dependent on them.
But this is not always the case. To understand the situation, you must first understand what the quarrel was about, followed by such an act of a young man.
How to behave in such a situation?
It depends on the desire and resources of the girl. If the partner voluntarily, on his own initiative, spent money on her and gave gifts, then she has the right not to return anything. Another question is whether she wants to keep or return any of this? If she has a desire to get rid of the gifts associated with this relationship, then why not?
Can I accept financial assistance from a partner?
It is important to understand that everyone can perceive the situation in their own way, based on their experience and beliefs. Let me give you an example: a girl asks her boyfriend to pay for her purchase. From her side, paying for things by a partner looks like a gift, and from his side, like a loan. If this abstract couple had initially discussed who was willing to pay for what, then such a misunderstanding would not have arisen.
But if one partner wants to spend money on a loved one, then the other has the right to accept it without taking responsibility for his decision.