For most women, family is the most important part of life. Therefore, the decision to divorce sounds like a sentence: I failed the main task, I am a loser. Psychologist Nikki Martinez explains that this is not the case. Do not self-flagellate, you can benefit from a divorce for a new relationship.
My clients often say that divorce robs them of hope for a happy relationship in the future. Because of the breakup, they begin to feel like failures and believe that something is wrong with them, that they are «defective» and impossible to love.
Women perceive the end of a long-term relationship (especially when it comes to marriage) as an irreparable loss and failure — and this is understandable. They have invested so much time and effort into relationships, they are used to perceiving and positioning themselves as part of a couple. They tried to save the marriage, went to psychotherapists, tried to change what their partners did not like, but the union still broke up. Desperation in such a situation is understandable, but remember: a failed relationship does not make you a loser.
We are not perfect. Luckily, we don’t have to be. Everyone has flaws, and that’s okay. If you wanted to save the relationship, tried to fix everything, but it didn’t work out, don’t blame yourself. Give credit to the effort, do not dwell on the sad ending that could not be avoided. Some couples are not meant to be together. Sometimes the misunderstanding goes too far to overcome.
Sometimes a family therapist helps solve problems and keep the couple together. This is an ideal result, but it is not guaranteed. Over 50% of first marriages end in divorce, with remarriages even higher. Couples who come to a psychotherapist are already leaning towards the negative scenario — which is why they came to the appointment. Of course, the decision to seek the help of a psychotherapist demonstrates their desire to save the relationship, but about half of them will still get divorced. Fortunately, this is also where the therapist is useful: the support of an unbiased third party helps couples part amicably. This is especially important if there are children in the marriage.
For those who are accustomed to perceive themselves only as part of a couple, it is especially important to be alone for some time.
Unions fall apart due to infidelity, stress, lack of love, ineffective communication, and other reasons. Even if the «love boat» is shipwrecked, your chances of happiness in a new relationship depend on whether you can learn from the breakup.
The breakdown of relationships allows us to reassess values: what is important for us in marriage, and what we do not accept. As we grow and develop, our needs change with us. It is important to analyze and take them into account in order to find the right partner and build a happy relationship.
The gap provides a unique opportunity for personal growth. For those who are accustomed to perceive themselves only as part of a couple, it is important to be alone for some time, to get to know themselves, to discover their personality. This is the perfect time to take up self-improvement. What should you change about yourself? Maybe work on self-esteem? Will you learn to express your point of view and formulate desires? By becoming more confident, you will attract more worthy candidates.
Others read how we treat ourselves. By feeling grounded in yourself, you can build a more open and healthy relationship with your new partner.