If a family breaks up, it is important to protect the child from injury. Together with the psychologist Elena Khoteeva, we find out what mistakes mothers should avoid.
25 May 2015
Mistake 1. To hide what happened for a long time.
Seeing his mother emotionally devastated, worried, upset, the child, not knowing the reason, will begin to blame himself. After all, he thinks that he has “magical abilities” to influence the world: once he got angry, and now the situation happened. In the future, this threatens with a sharp change in the child’s behavior from pronounced manifestations of aggression in an attempt to prove that he is good, to depressive states from the inability to influence the situation.
What to do?
The sooner you explain to your son or daughter that your dad no longer lives with you, the less traumatic the information will be for him. This is especially true for preschoolers, who perceive everything easier than adults who have lost attachment. It is important to communicate everything clearly, briefly and specifically, explaining that it is not his fault, since the situation of divorce does not depend on his behavior or actions. Tell us how your life will change in connection with this, answer all the questions that arise, no matter how unexpected they may seem to you. It can be more difficult with a teenager when age features are superimposed in the form of rebellion, denial, and self-isolation. In this case, it is important to start with how you will support each other, by yourself to say what may excite him.
Mistake 2. Scold the father in front of the child.
In the event of a conflict separation, it is difficult for a woman to restrain negative emotions in relation to the man who has left her. The child, in turn, is not able to choose whom he loves more, experiences a constant fear of losing both parents. His behavior can become uncontrollable or, conversely, excessively lethargic, passive.
What to do?
If you cannot maintain a positive father image, be neutral. Remember that the baby has both your traits and the traits of his dad. By denying the father, you transfer your attitude in the form of irritation to the child. This is especially important when raising a boy who sooner or later realizes himself as a man, but at the same time with a negative self-perception – “if I am like a dad, then I am bad.” In adolescence, a child may take the side of his father in protest, and there is a risk of losing both. For a girl, such a negative attitude forms protest and fear towards the surrounding men.
Mistake 3. Do not allow the father to see the child.
Whom does the woman “punish” in this case? First of all, your child. At the age of 3 to 5 years, the child has sex-role identification. And the attitude towards oneself as a girl or a boy is formed through relationships with parents. The possibility is laid for the child to create a strong family in the future.
What to do?
If you find it difficult to see your ex-husband, look for options. Maybe the father will pick up the child from kindergarten or school and then escort him to the elevator or wait for the baby at the entrance. There is a biological craving and emotional involvement between the father and the child, therefore it is he who will help the correct formation of the man-woman and man-man relationship. If you are lucky enough to start a new family, it is better not to hide the presence of a biological father from your child. Anyway, he will sooner or later find out, and if this happens in adolescence, there is a risk of ruining the relationship between the child and the step parent.
Mistake 4. Overprotective or overprotective in relation to the child.
In the first case, a woman, due to emotional emptiness, becomes indifferent to the life of her son or daughter. In the second, he makes him the center of his universe, placing an unbearable burden on the child.
What to do?
See the situation from the outside. Most often, you cannot do this on your own, and others or a specialist can come to the rescue. This does not mean that you need to listen to everything that your friends and family have to say. But if a child has difficulties at school, he has become apathetic, irritable, it is worth considering whether it is time to seek help.
Mistake 5. Despise all men because of the mistakes of one.
Quite often, one can hear angry words about all males from abandoned women. The child absorbs this and further projects it onto his relationships with others and himself.
What to do?
To go through a personal crisis, without withdrawing into oneself and without giving up the support of relatives, loved ones, friends. If emotions are overwhelmed, share them with anyone, but not with your child. It is useful to watch films or cartoons together, where the loss of one of the parents was worried and everything ended well (“How to Train Your Dragon”, “Rapunzel”). And when the storm is over, remember how your life was filled before. Perhaps it is worth returning to old hobbies, attracting a son or daughter to your studies, and re-filling every day with joy. Your baby needs a happy mom.
Note
There are differences in how to correctly present information to a boy and a girl. If you start a conversation with a boy with the words “dad and I love you very much, but …”, he may simply not hear the rest. He needs to say everything clearly, concretely, without unnecessary outpourings. But it is the emotional color that is important for the girl, so you should prepare for a long conversation with her.