Contents
I foresee the bewilderment of many readers and even exclamations: “What a question! A son is a son! And here is the husband!” However, take your time. Incest in our country is quite common. Even physical, not to mention psychological. Often a woman does not even suspect that her son, especially in the absence of a husband in the family, becomes her only man.
I have a familiar family: mom, dad and two sons. When the eldest son was nine years old, a brother appeared. Everyone was happy. But dad is busy all the time, he is the only one who supports the family and has to be at work all the time. Mom is hard. And she shifts some of the responsibilities to her eldest son. Moreover, the mother does not ask him for help only when she needs it — she declares to her son: the father is at work, you are the eldest, and must share the responsibilities of caring for the younger. The older one unquestioningly goes to the store, warms the bottles, swaddles, helps to wash the newborn. When my mother caught a cold and came down with a fever, he was forced to take care of both her and his brother.
Where is the father? He works? I would like to ask: how did mom cope with the first child, when the father was still working ?! And when mom and dad were planning a second child, for whom did they do it ?! Dad easily withdrew himself, allowing him to take on the duties that he, as a father, must fulfill himself, to his still very small, albeit eldest, son. And my mother gladly connected the elder to the care of a small child, without thinking that he was still a child himself and that only his brother was born, but not his son!
I hope you are ready to feel the difference in the roles! I’m not saying the elder shouldn’t help! But just to help! Probably, if the parents wanted and planned a second child, they assumed that dad would have to break away from work more often. Or, if he already works so hard — probably not in vain, and there is an opportunity to take an assistant for mom or a nanny.
What is happening in this family? Due to the frequent absence of the father and due to the large number of joint cares of the mother and the eldest son, their relationship is getting closer and closer. They have common interests, there are topics in which the father is not dedicated, the eldest son becomes more and more attached to the younger, as if it were his own child. He has no time to take a walk with his friends, go to the football section …
But now you will agree that we quite often hear from adults who were the eldest children in their family that “my brother grew up in my arms, I didn’t even have time to take a walk.” Often these people recall a lot of episodes related to younger children, they tell how he ate, how they walked together, how they drank medicine. What does this remind you of? This is what parents usually say about their pets!
When we talk about boundaries further, you will see what a distortion occurs in relations between relatives in this case. In the meantime, I can say that the place that should be free for the future wife and future children, the eldest son becomes occupied by his mother and brother. This is psychological incest. Is it rare in your area?
Why does mom do this? First of all, mom is comfortable. After all, a nine-year-old child cannot know how to properly (feed, swaddle, educate). And that leads to submission. You do not need to prove anything, to defend your position in communication with your husband. There is no need to seek a compromise. But most likely, the husband does not have his own position. He’s comfortable too. If you think that this situation will last only as long as the youngest is small, you are deeply mistaken! Such a situation, if it has already arisen, will always be. The younger one will always be small, even if he has grown up a long time ago and has his own family, the older one will always take on non-fraternal responsibility, and parents will deftly contribute to this. And willing to manipulate.
When the time comes, and already an adult man wants to have his own family, the mother will perceive the relationship with another woman as a betrayal of her. She will not be ready to let anyone in her place — for her every woman will be a rival. And a man-son, in order to have a relationship with a woman, will need a “divorce” from his mother. But will she agree to this? And if he doesn’t? Then there are two ways: to stay in a psychological connection with your mother forever or to break away with blood, with scandals, with psychological trauma. But in fact, everything is simple. Mom should have taken care of her relationship with her husband, allowing her son to build his own life.
I want to give another example that happened at a session of the famous master of psychology, Carl Whitaker. (Based on video footage.)
Whitaker was talking to a married couple. The couple had been divorced for five years and had been seeing a therapist for a long time. During the conversation, they treated each other attentively and with respect. Probably, over the years, many of the problems of their relationship have been worked out. It was puzzling why they did not get married again: it seemed that they were so good with each other! The next day, Whitaker asked to bring both sons with him. One of them, a «rebel» lived with his father. He never showed up. But then another, «exemplary», who lived with his mother, came.
The contrast with the previous day was striking! The mother and father sat much further apart, and the son sat between them, much closer to the mother. Although the behavior of the father was the same as the day before, the behavior of the mother changed greatly. She was more lively and sexy, especially when talking to or about her son, which she did most of the session. She talked for a long time about how much they do together, how she is sure that they feel good in each other’s company, etc. It was clearly visible that the mother was overly immersed in her son and reacted to him rather than even son, but how … for a lover.
Immediately after the mother explained with another example how she and her son get along well, Whitaker gestured towards them and said: “So your second marriage turned out to be much more successful than the first,” and gestured towards his father.
So, how to figure out what functions the “husband” has and what functions the “son” has?
«Husband»
As you already understood, one of the differences is the degree of closeness. A husband or a beloved man is the closest person for a woman (not counting, of course, herself). About what happens if a woman has neither one nor the other, we will talk further. But I’ll tell you straight away This person cannot be replaced by a child! Relationships with a child cannot be as close as with a partner. The son will grow up, and his close person should appear. And it doesn’t have to be mom.
Another important feature and difference is the interchange with a loved one. “I give my emotions, my love to you, you give your emotions to me”; “I am open and sincere towards you — you are towards me.” Etc. It is important that there is an exchange with a partner in a relationship! Exchange in four main areas: physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional.
The physical realm includes: finances, cleaning, cooking, shopping, shopping, sex, paperwork, leisure.
In the intellectual realm: communication, exchange of information, common interests, discussion of books, films, the opportunity to share opinions with others and listen to him, openness.
In the emotional realm: mutual love, respect, attraction, pleasant surprises, sexual attraction, compliments.
In the spiritual realm: the general scenario of the family, the upbringing of children, close views on morality, values, belonging to the same confession or philosophy, the development of compromises.
In the example above, where the older brother had to take care of the younger, the dad was actively involved in the implementation of only one area — he handled financial issues, believing that this is the most important component, and the rest can be left unattended.
When we hear a mother say to her son: “There will be many women, and only one mother” … When our neighbor laments in our kitchen: “Who did you change your mother for! ..” When a woman is sure: “There is no better friend than a mother ”, we must understand that this woman mixed up the role positions of husband-son. Even if the woman is single, the son cannot take the place of the man.
«Son»
What is the role of the son? I want to share with you a metaphor:
METAPHOR «GOLDEN BALL»
THE LOVE I GOT FROM MY FATHER
I DID NOT RETURN TO HIM BECAUSE,
BEING A CHILD,
COULD NOT APPRECIATE SUCH GIFTS YET
AND WAS HARD TO THE FATHER.
NOW MY SON IS GROWING SO LOVELY
LIKE NO ONE, BY MY FATHER’S HEART;
AND I SPEND WHAT I GOT AS A CHILDHOOD,
TO THE ONE WHO WILL NOT RETURN ANYTHING TO ME,
BECAUSE WHEN HE BECOME A MAN AND BEGINS TO THINK,
LIKE ALL MEN
HE, LIKE ME, WILL GO OWN THE WAY:
WITH LONGING BUT WITHOUT ENVY I WILL LOOK
HOW HE GIVES MY GRANDSON WHAT IS INTENDED FOR ME.
I LOOK OUT TO THE FUTURE,
TO THE MIRROR OF LIFE:
EVERYONE WITH A SMILE THROWS A GOLD BALL FURTHER,
BUT NO ONE IS RETURNING IT!
(By Burris von Munchausen)
It’s impossible to say better! And there is nothing to add. The love we give to our children is unconditional, the acceptance is total.
And now there is another case.
I have a woman in attendance. She wants to arrange to bring her son to me. Reason: mother believes that her son is disrespectful to her and does not show proper attention.. Barely holding back tears, the woman says that the other day she had a birthday, and her son, who is eleven years old (he is now resting in the camp), called her and said: “Mom, I wish you a happy birthday!” From indignation and resentment, the woman took her breath away: “Is that all ?!” The son, probably pleased that he congratulated his mother, cheerfully reported: “Yes!” There was no limit to my mother’s indignation: “And you don’t want to wish me anything else ?!” she almost screamed. To which the son just as cheerfully replied: “I wish you to finish your important project as soon as possible and buy me a player, as promised.” There was a scandal. There were tears. There was a speech about disrespect and exclamations: “I am for you … and you! ..” The mood was spoiled. The mother’s expectations were not met.
What was she waiting for?! I asked my mother this question. Mom wanted to hear pleasant words for her, a wish for happiness, love, some compliment. “And he, an egoist, thinks about himself,” she finished.
Stop, stop! Who are we talking about now?! This is not a husband and not a beloved man! The boy is only eleven years old! He remembered his mother’s holiday and even found an opportunity to call her. And the requirement of the mother is clearly not like a son.
So, you already know the main difference between the roles of husband and son.
If with a husband or with a loved one an exchange is important in the four areas listed, then parents should give their son everything possible in these same areas.
- In the physical sphere: home, warmth, food, the opportunity to study.
- In the intellectual sphere: their knowledge, their experience, the opportunity to instill interests in different areas.
- In the emotional sphere: unconditional love, respect, attention, care, emotional warmth, affection.
- In the spiritual sphere: the concept of values, moral and ethical principles, traditions.
Agree, a child who came into this world cannot give this. It is later, having gained wisdom, knowledge, experience from his parents, having received lessons in understanding, care and kindness, he will carry this to his children. And I assure you, he simply will not be able to act differently with you. After all, he will have an example before his eyes, as it should. Your example!
In the circle of my family
Before we decide on the psychological space of our loved ones, dear people, I will ask you to do one simple exercise.
Stand in the center of any space. It can be a room, a sandy area, or a small patch of road.
Without leaving your spot, draw a circle around you. In the mythical times of fairy tales and legends about evil spirits, they say that a circle drawn in this way was an obstacle to penetration to a person inside the circle, someone or something bad, until the person himself leaves his circle. So it will be in our case. While you are in your first circle, you are protected, able to think adequately, assess the situation, and react emotionally. You are in agreement with yourself, and therefore, in agreement with the world. The contents of your first circle are your filled, healthy four spheres that we talked about earlier. For ourselves, we are the center of everything. After all, if something happens to us, then everything in this world ceases to exist for us. But the world is not going anywhere! Agree?!
Now, without leaving the drawn circle, you have to draw three more circles around you. To do this, you need to approach the boundaries of the first circle, but remember that you cannot cross it.
Have you drawn? Not too much space turned out, right? How many people can you put in it? This is the psychological territory for your closest and dearest people.
Before you read on, stop and list in your mind those whom you consider to be closest to you. How many people do you remember? Who was the first person you remember? I hope you were on this list too.
Now we have to figure out who and in what sequence to place in your space.
Since we are talking about intimacy, answer the question: what do you imagine when I say «intimacy»?
At seminars, the most common answers are: the closest person, the distance to something, the degree of trust, the period of time, kinship, similar, understanding, intimate relationships, bodily contact, common interests, joint experiences.
What do you imagine when I say «influence»?
This is what influences me and what I influence. Influence, authority, power. Whose words, actions can knock me out of balance, because of what or whom I will be most worried and upset.
Now answer the following questions and try to imagine who and in which drawn circle you would place.
- Which of the people you named do you most often have bodily contact with?
- Who are your interests aligned with?
- With whom are you ready to share your joy or trouble that happened to you?
- With whom will you first of all share a new idea, thought, discovery?
- To whom are you ready to entrust the most intimate?
- Whose opinion will matter most to you?
- Whose perception of the world matches your perception?
- Who do you think understands you better than others?
- Whose love and care is the most pleasant for you?
I hope that in most of your answers, your spouse or beloved man comes first. You can safely put it in the circle following your first circle! This is his place. There should be a person with whom the relationship will be the closest and closest. You choose it yourself, which means that you make this choice based on the interests of your first circle — that is, according to your own interests.
If it so happened that the person you chose did not meet the criteria for the second round and you found yourself without a partner at this point in your life, it does not matter. He will definitely appear, the one that will meet the needs of your first circle. The main thing is that this place should remain empty until such time as it is found. Otherwise, he will have nowhere to come! You can’t put your mom, dad, sister, girlfriend in this circle. And even more so, you can’t put your son there!
But the next circle belongs to him, your son, while he has not yet reached his majority. As well as your other minor children, if there are any in the family. Put them in a row, no one should be closer or farther than the other, no one should push and push a brother or sister. Well, if he, your son, is the only child in the family, this third circle, while he is still small, is rightfully his.
When the son grows up, he will psychologically move into the space of the fourth circle in order to have more freedom and the opportunity to build his healthy family relationships. But about his circles a little later.
And now we have one more empty circle for your loved ones. In this circle, you are free to put or not put your parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, closest aunt, girlfriend. This will depend both on your answers to the above questions and how often you interact with these people. The main thing to remember is that there can’t be many people there! Colleagues, casual fellow travelers, acquaintances of your acquaintances cannot be in this circle. Put no more than five people in the fourth circle — those whom you consider the closest, the most important in your life. Look what a huge space outside the circles that you have drawn — it is for everyone else!
Now we talked about the space of an adult, a mother or your adult son. But when a child is just born or he is still small, the situation is completely different with his space. This is sometimes the difficulty of differentiating mother and son.
The psychological space of a child includes a very small number of people. Of course, these are the closest, dearest, those on which his life, health, and personality formation directly depend.
Before the birth of a child and in the first months of life, mother and son are one. His little life is entirely up to you. The child experiences the emotions of the mother as his own, he feels when the mother is upset, and when she is calm. The psychological umbilical cord has not yet been torn. And in a newborn situation, this is normal. Otherwise it can not be. Mother’s four spheres are very closely connected with the spheres of the child. Mom ate something wrong — her son’s cheeks turned red, nervous — they don’t sleep together all night. Well, there is no need to talk about other areas: the knowledge of a woman and her moral and ethical principles can both help in caring for a baby, and simply destroy him.
If you already have the experience of motherhood, you remember how important it was not only during pregnancy, but also during the first days, the first months of a child’s life, to take care of yourself so as not to harm the baby. We try not to be nervous so that milk does not disappear, we monitor our diet, we go to the doctor on time. How easy it is to take care of yourself if it affects another, so tiny and so defenseless being!
In the indicated period, the first circle of the mother and the first circle of the child are a single whole.
But my son has grown a little. He is already walking, trying to say something, he has his own interests, and he is happy to eat porridge from his nanny’s hands.
The time has come for the son to take the place that will belong to him until he comes of age — in mother’s circles this is the third circle. The son should form his own four spheres. And the rupture of the psychological umbilical cord is the most important condition for this. The son needs his own space, his own personal psychological territory. This is the key to building a healthy relationship!
Now you will not be able to control his scratches and broken knees. You cannot be held responsible for his emotions. You cannot learn to speak and think for him. But you can show him: how to express your emotions so as not to offend anyone, how to respond to various situations, how to express your opinion, constructively defend your interests; you can teach him to think, analyze and learn to learn. You can do all this if you take care of yourself, and therefore take care of your four realms. Only in this case, these four spheres will be healthy and filled.
The catch is this: the child’s parents continue to remain in his second, closest circle. For him, these are people from whom he will learn reactions, behavioral interactions, and form a communication scenario in the future.
Until adolescence, until the parents begin to move into the next circle allotted to them, it will be a difficult task for them, while remaining the closest people to their child, to be close to each other.
The most striking conflict of such interaction is the crisis of a boy at the age of four or five years. This is a crisis of primary sexual identification, when the mother is perceived by the boy at an unconscious level as the first woman. Biological differences between the sexes also lead to psychological differentiation. At this age, the boy develops an erection, and new sensations in this area lead to an increase in interest in the genitals and to an understanding of differences from girls. The father becomes a rival in the fight for the mother’s love. As the song says, «I want a girl exactly like the girl my dear old man married.» The boy’s hostility to his father is accompanied by a fear of retribution. This leads to a phenomenon known as the Oedipus complex (the name is borrowed from the Greek myth of Oedipus, the son of the Theban king Laius and queen Jocasta).
In the normal sequence of events, the boy unconsciously experiences attraction to his mother and aggression to his father. The Oedipus complex may be exacerbated by the mother’s actual charm and seductiveness and the father’s threats of castration. It is not uncommon in real life that we hear from adults that they will cut off a boy’s penis if he touches it, etc.
The way a child realizes sexual attachment to his mother at this age and how he subsequently frees himself from it is reflected in his adult life, on personality and character traits. If a person cannot overcome the oedipal complex, they speak of an unresolved oedipal situation, which unconsciously gives rise to various conflicts concerning the opposite sex, parental feelings and inconsistencies in the requirements of reality and instinctive impulses, often incestuous (incestuous).
During this period, the son may begin to show intense jealousy towards his mother. He gets angry when his father hugs his mother in front of him, shows interest in her. Boys at this age may suddenly begin to come to bed with their parents, explaining this with fears, bad dreams.
It is difficult for a child of this age to admit that besides him, his most beloved mother has someone else. And the other one has even more rights. And they close together at night in their room, leaving him with himself, alone. Maybe no one loves him anymore! Such thoughts and feelings torment the child, cause a lot of negative emotions, affect behavior.
This difficult crisis for a boy, parents need to live very steadfastly. On the one hand, it is important that the child does not feel abandoned, rejected. On the other hand, the child must recognize the right of finding another person in his mother’s second circle.
It’s the balance of love and distance
It happens that dads during this period, feeling that their son does not react to him the way he would like, completely leaves the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbcommunicating with the child, and from that moment the label “sissy” can be stuck to him for the first time. But the role of the father at this age for the formation of the personality of the child is undeniable! Dad’s task is to attract his son with joint games. It is important for a father to show a model of male behavior, especially in relation to their jointly beloved woman.
You can arrange a holiday for mom. Come up with a joint game or surprise. When choosing a birthday present for your wife, help your son as well so that he can congratulate his mother separately from his father. A husband should never call his wife «mommy.» This is a wife, but not «our mother.» She is his mom. And let this right remain with the son. In no case should you be scared if your son throws a tantrum when he finds you hugging. Don’t bounce off each other like you’re doing something illegal, it will stick in his mind. Let the son see that this is a normal relationship between a man and a woman. Pay attention to him at this moment. Hug him together, say kind, affectionate words. He must know that mom and dad love each other and love him.
In no case do not indulge his comings into your bed! The child should have his own bed, separate from yours. Gently but firmly pick him up and move him to where he sleeps. If he is afraid of something, you can sit with him for a while, calm him down, leave the light on, open the door. But even if you really want to sleep, do not fit with him, this can be the first step towards psychological incest. Do not arrange morning wallowing three of us. And in no case — together with your son! He can wrestle and somersault with dad or grandfather on the carpet, in the meadow, on the beach sand. This is not the task of a woman, such bodily contact with her son.
Rule:
The correct distribution of the psychological space for your loved ones and the passage of the crisis of five years will allow your son not to get stuck psychologically at this age, to perceive his mother as a mother, and not as a beloved woman, which happens during this crisis period. This means that in the future he will build healthy relationships with girls, and later with his wife.
If there is no man in the house
Perhaps it so happened that a woman is forced to raise her son alone. Often women in such families say: “I took on the role of both father and mother!” But in vain! You cannot play the role of a father. But the role of the mother should be worthy. As we remember the main danger of such a family is to confuse all social roles and raise not a son, but a husband as compensation for the loneliness that has happened.
Here, first of all, a woman needs to decide whether she really wants to remain without a husband or not so bad that he was. If a woman decides to be with a man and finds a man who matches her values and is emotionally close to her, you can always negotiate with her son. All the more do you remember that even in relation to their own father, at certain periods of their development, the reaction of boys is peculiar and zealous. What can we say about another man! A woman should not give in to the whims of her son, putting her fate at stake for his sake. Such sacrifices are unjustified and are not needed by anyone. Arrange your female life, do not fall into the Triangle, keep your loved ones in their circles, and everything will be fine.
But it so happened that the woman decided to stay with herself. Try to scroll, like a movie, your future life with and without your son. What pictures are being drawn? If the scenes you imagine are closely related to his life — for example, you imagine how you went somewhere together, how he is at the prom, and you are next to him, how you discuss his graduation project with him and everyone congratulates you on defending him dissertation, you must immediately admit to yourself that your relationship is too close. And he is already well placed in your second circle.
Try to imagine other pictures. The son grew up and went to play with friends, you are busy with something of your own. But he has a date, and you don’t even know who she is, but this is his relationship! But he has an anniversary, and he wants to celebrate it only with young people and asks you to stay at home, you really want to go, but you respect his decision. But he has his own family, and they are not even going to stop by for the weekend, and you yourself have no time, so many things have accumulated. Are you ready to be? Congratulations, you are on the right track!
So, how to give him a sample of a man-woman, if you are left alone?
At a time when the son unconsciously seeks to take the role of a man for his mother, it is important not to let him into the circle of a partner. Do not encourage him to care for you, do not let him into your bed, do not discuss those issues that the child is not supposed to know, do not introduce him into the details of your intimate life, do not show interest in him as a man, emphasizing his sexuality. Do not focus on the fact that he acted towards you «like a real man.» Encourage his attention to girls, ask about his tastes and preferences.
Very important during this period are stories about the father. If the real father does not at all correspond to the image that you would like to instill in your son as a man, come up with this legendary image yourself. Your legend should be coherent, thoughtful, with important details, and preferably based on more or less real events, so that you cannot get confused, and random stories of relatives do not convict you of a lie. Even in a completely negative character, you can always find positive qualities. After all, for some reason you chose this person as the father of your unborn child. His positive qualities can be presented as a model of your love, and negative actions are what a real man should not do. But the most important thing is that under no circumstances should you have a grudge against this person. By the time you have to have conversations with your son about his father, and you still have to have them, no matter what happened before that time, you should have a feeling of forgiveness towards him. Feelings of resentment, anger, indignation, hatred will affect your relationship with your growing son, because one way or another he and his son.
But now your decision to remain single is becoming more and more stable, and the age of your son is approaching the period of gender identification, that is, to twelve years. At this time, it is important for him to try on male roles, and a man becomes a necessary model for this fitting. If there is no example in his environment worthy of his attention, he will find it on the side. Who that might be, we can’t control. Therefore, during this period, boys often follow their neighbor or their friend’s older brother with a tail, strive to get to the dacha where his uncle lives, and bombard their grandfather with questions.
Pay attention to which of the men your child is drawn to the most. Even if this is your friend’s husband, explain the situation to her, ask her to visit them more often. The situation will not last long, the boy will enter a period of need to communicate with peers, and this communication with a significant man for him will play a good role in his life.