Recently, the news agenda, or rather, its discussion, has caused the rupture of many ties — both between friends and between relatives. Why can’t even those who have the same point of view find a common language? And is it worth it in this case to start a conversation on a difficult topic at all? The family therapist talks.
Everyone knows the stages of grief described by the psychologist Kübler-Ross:
negation,
anger,
bargain,
depression,
Adoption.
Since such reactions are characteristic of any stressful situation, we can transfer this behavior pattern to our life now.
It would be good if everyone lived through these stages at the same time, and did not collide with each other, being at different stages. But we can immerse ourselves in them at different times, return to an already seemingly lived stage and experience feelings that are characteristic of two stages at once. Someone may get stuck at one of the stages and not move on.
This is one of the reasons crises tear families apart. Yes, many couples and families come together during a period of terrible news and acute crises, all their past problems seem completely unimportant against the backdrop of what is happening. But it often happens otherwise. What does it have to do with:
As already noted, Everyone experiences the stages at a different pace.. A person can get angry, and those who are nearby will fall under this anger. But what if the loved one at that moment is at a different stage of experience — for example, depression? «How can you not understand?» they ask each other. And they don’t understand the truth, because they experience different feelings at the moment.
Behavioral response to stress can be differentbecause everyone has a unique story of life experience. And this reaction can cause discomfort to others, provoke a conflict. After all, someone needs continuous communication with loved ones and the sharing of acute feelings, while someone is used to experiencing stress alone — moving away, poking at their phone, business and news.
Everyone, even family members, may have different opinions on different topics.. And they perform different functions. For one, thinking «so» can be unbearable. And for another, it is necessary for the sake of their own calm and the calm of loved ones. This opinion allows him to maintain himself, his own mental well-being and a sense of security.
The main thing that everyone should remember when entering into a quarrel with loved ones is that the feelings of another cannot be wrong. They are what they are. Behind every anger there is pain. By understanding this pain, one can understand a person. Behind every denial is a defense mechanism that preserves the human psyche right now. By understanding what this relationship means to you, you can understand each other and keep your connection.
What to do when discussing a controversial topic:
Don’t pick it up if you can’t get out of an argument without pain and a broken relationship.
Remember what you talked about and what you did together with your loved ones before, what brought you joy and pleasure.
Play a psychotherapist — try to understand what feelings and mechanisms are now behind the words of your loved one.
If you can’t handle it, go to therapy.