Discussing disagreements. How to negotiate a husband and wife?

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If you don’t know how to negotiate, you will quarrel. How to learn to settle disagreements and contentious issues so that it is both quick, practical, and joyful? There are simple and clear recommendations, the difficulty is that without habit and training, for the majority, they are not very realistic.

Therefore, if you are an impulsive creature, live by feelings and do not know how to control yourself, then it is too early for you to read this article. First, grow up, learn to use your head after all and do what you need, and not just what you want. However, if you believe in yourself and are ready to learn — go ahead, you are here.

First — the most common things, some of them are needed. If this is no longer relevant to you, skip them and go to specific recommendations.

. If you need something — do not be silent, tell about it. As long as you are silent, no one knows what you want. Do not rely on «he (she) must understand» — he will not understand until you speak about your desires in a direct way and in plain text. This applies to both adults and children.

It’s amazing — many times I had to deal with situations when someone in the family — more often children — does not talk to their parents, because they do not believe that it is possible to negotiate with them. And at the same time, parents are sad that the children do not talk to them, they are so closed … There is no need to figure out who is right and wrong, it’s easier to still try to talk: it can very well work out. Will you try? But what if?

Don’t be afraid to raise questions boldly. Many couples are afraid to discuss disagreements, thinking that this will inevitably lead to tension and conflict. But this is not so, the discussion of disagreements can be quite warm and friendly. For those who know how to talk, it’s just another topic of conversation with a loved one — or a friend. Or just a respected person.

. If everyone is tired, angry, if we are in a hurry, if we have just had a fight, then the situation for discussion is unsuccessful. Wait. Better yet, do something to make the situation calmer and kinder. Maybe you can go out for a walk, many issues are resolved better during a leisurely walk. And one couple specially went to the cafe for important discussions — in public they spoke more calmly, without raising their voices, and this helped them to negotiate.

By the way, if during a conversation one of you suddenly got into emotions and ceased to be adequate, a very simple remedy helps: change your physical location. Sit down if you were talking while standing. Stand up if you were sitting. Turn around and go to the window if you were talking at the table. It seems like a meter to the side, only a different picture before my eyes — and the state has already changed, you can talk further. Try it, you’ll be surprised how effective it is!

And be careful: before you sort things out, you need to check three zones: food, sex, sleep. That is, whether a person is full, whether he is sexually satisfied, whether he has had enough sleep. You can’t talk about your relationship if either of you hasn’t had enough sleep, is hungry, or hasn’t had sexual satisfaction for a long time. In such scenarios, the conversation will be at least useless, and most likely harmful. Feed first. And — to bed! By the way, it’s better not to have difficult conversations in the bed itself, the bed should only be associated with sleep and something pleasant.

. If you raise one issue after another, jumping from topic to topic, you need to separately understand what you really want, but in this case it will not be possible to agree on a result.

One last thing: there are at least three different situations where close people discuss their differences, and these three situations are very different. And they need to act in different ways. Therefore, learn to distinguish:

1. You want to discuss a practical issue in order to create a common vision of how to do what. And what not to do.

This is the most typical situation, and we will analyze it below.

2. You want to discuss a theoretical question, and this question does not directly relate to your actions.

Sometimes we have some thoughts come to mind, and we want to discuss them. Or you hear from a partner such that you can no longer be silent, because it does not climb into any gates. And how to talk further?

3. You want to influence your partner to do (do) something else or in a different way, and not like now.

You can agree on almost everything, but not everyone is inclined to discuss, it is not always appropriate to openly discuss everything, and not everything is decided by discussion. For example, if you need to wean a person from a bad habit or accustom him to a good one, if you just need to draw attention to something, but distract from something, these are no longer questions of discussion, this is a matter of certain influences. See Marriage Relationships: How to Influence Each Other​​​​​​​​

So, situations 2 and 3 aside for now, our topic is the discussion of practical issues, the resolution of disagreements that really concern our affairs and interests. The main recommendations here are as follows.

. This is archival! If this does not happen, there will be no discussion. Therefore, our style is friendly discussion: we each express our vision, listen to each other and look for options for the best solution for both of us. We don’t push, we think. That is, we follow exactly this, and if someone gets carried away, starts to put pressure, speaks sharply, harshly, categorically — it’s more correct to stop and correct the situation (ask: “Speak softer, please!”), But the discussion in this style should not be continued.

Some couples find it very helpful to specially buy two stuffed toys, such as a rabbit and a baby seal, in a department store, in the children’s toy department, to stroke them during the discussion. Kinesthetics work here: while you stroke the seal with a soft hand, you speak with a soft voice. If you started to unscrew the seal’s head, pay attention to your intonation and general mood, it is wrong. Get better please!

It is easier to negotiate if we talk about positions not “my position” and “your position” (“I want” — “you want”), but use neutral formulations “Position No. 1” and “Position No. 2”. Just different views, no matter whose, and we analyze their pros and cons. And even better, if there are not two positions, but three or more, then it will be easier to choose the optimal solution.

. Dealing with the issue of territories means understanding whose question we are discussing: mine, yours, or the general one? If suddenly there is a clear answer to this, then everything is simple and clear: If the question is mine, I decide, if it’s yours, you decide. And that’s it. If the issue is common, in this case we are obliged to discuss and resolve the issue together. There are negotiations ahead.

If someone wants to postpone the discussion, he is obliged to indicate a reasonable time when the discussion will take place.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​. Categoricalness is disrespect for the opinion of a partner, so we remove it. There are no privileges in honest negotiations, only logic. We remove resentment and any other unnecessary emotions. References to “this topic is painful for me” are not accepted, but we touch on and discuss painful topics only when there is a vision of how the issue can be resolved. And get used to speaking briefly: you said your opinion — ask your partner: “What do you think?”.

Without the permission of the other side, pressure, begging, categorically declaring, getting upset, etc., is not allowed in the discussion. Forceful arguments “Because I am a man!” Are not accepted from a man, a woman cannot crush tears and insults, referring to her feminine nature. References to intuition, fears, premonitions and «any other decision will cause me inner discomfort» are not accepted. Also, the conversations “Take me as I am” are not accepted: this is only legal on personal territory.

. All discussions only make sense when they build our (your) future. Understanding the past is pointless in itself, it can be done only if and in such a way as to reasonably agree on the future.

. If it is not possible to agree, the head of the family decides the issue with his authority. It is a pity that now in most Russian families there is somehow no “head of the family”. The head of the family has now remained, it seems, only with the Old Believers and in Muslim families, and disagreements are resolved much easier there. Three simple rules are enough: «Ask your husband», «Do as your husband said» and «Watch yourself, be careful.» And the family is in perfect order.

If nothing helps, relax and understand that life goes on anyway, and this is the most important thing.