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Most often, intergenerational conflicts occur due to the violation of someone’s boundaries. It can be difficult for an older person to defend their right to say no. And for an adult son or daughter – to achieve respect and be heard. Together with a psychologist, we analyze two typical situations.
Situation #1: An elderly mother is often ill and needs regular help, but refuses to move in with her son or daughter. How to be?
To adult children, her categorical refusal seems not only illogical, but also a selfish decision. In the course are arguments about health and the additional burden that falls on relatives due to traveling. If the mother still does not give in, then threats, ultimatums and even a boycott take the place of explanations.
“This happens not because each side defends its own interests, but because they do not know how to do it with respect for the boundaries of the interlocutor and not in a categorical form,” says social psychologist Svetlana Komissaruk.
In his book, The Sandwich Generation, on relationships between older and younger, the expert makes the following recommendations:
Kiss and joke
If you understand that passions are boiling with might and main and there are already enough of them for today, try changing your mood. The human psyche is designed in such a way that it cannot experience two strong emotions at the same time. Try to be annoyed and love. Or get angry and laugh. Or be offended and sympathize. It’s unrealistic.
Therefore, if everything is in full swing and tired, if only accusations come to mind, try … to joke. Or regret. Try an unexpected kiss. Humor can save and defuse the situation when the conflict has reached a dead end and nothing sensible can be obtained. However, keep in mind: in the event of a heat of passion, you can only joke about yourself. Otherwise, this is a mockery, sarcasm, another accusation – and the conflict will take a new turn.
Seek a compromise
To do this, it is important to understand the psychological basis of opposing positions – to understand where the boundaries lie. When the mother does not want to move, and the daughter is worried that she will not be able to take care of her otherwise, then the essence of the disagreement is the issue of upholding autonomy.
Mom defends her right to live in familiar conditions where she is the mistress. For her, moving means depriving her of her corner forever. The daughter, insisting on moving, defends the right to choose in what form and how often she can provide assistance. The need to constantly be on wheels and break down at the first call, leaving everything in her daily life, looks to her as a violation of her boundaries and an attempt on her life order.
Handle the problem assertively
All arguments are spoken out, and more than once: “I don’t want to be a burden”, on the one hand, and “It will be easier for everyone” on the other. Neither side hears the other, does not understand his arguments, does not feel his pain. How to solve the problem assertively, that is, with respect for the boundaries – one’s own and the interlocutor’s? How to defend your rights calmly and positively: without aggression, on the one hand, and without passive acceptance of injustice, on the other?
First of all, Svetlana Komissaruk notes, it is important to decide on yourself: what you do not agree to do under any circumstances, and what you are ready to give in and why. If you start a conversation by honestly and respectfully agreeing with what the other person is saying, they will be more likely to listen to you.
If you do not offer your solution for the hundredth time, but ask the opinion of another, he will understand you more easily
Every family will have a different solution. Somewhere they will agree to take my mother away only for a certain time, keeping her apartment. Somewhere they will solve the issue of care so that you do not have to travel too often. It’s not about that. The point is a compromise, which is found only in the presence of understanding and subject to mutual respect for personal boundaries. Because the solution of the conflict between loved ones cannot but take into account both sides.
Sometimes disappointment is unavoidable – your point of view will not be accepted. The wisdom of relationships with loved ones is to survive this disappointment once, like a seasonal cold, and develop immunity – next time it will be easier to be ready for rejection. We must adapt, and the first to do this is the one who feels like an adult.
Situation number 2: Young parents raise a child in their own way, without listening to the opinion of the grandmother. How to overcome your resentment and continue to help a young family as and when, how and when children need it?
Your point of view will not always win, no matter how correct it may seem to you, the social psychologist notes. This brings up the old biblical question: Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? The solution of the conflict with the young about the upbringing of their children is not always realistic. Therefore, you can choose to be right – and lose the happiness of communicating with loved ones. Or vice versa: you can make a choice in favor of a concession – and continue to participate in the upbringing of grandchildren.
Recognize the rightness of young parents
Strength and truth are always on the side of the parents of your grandchildren – this is their family, and you are a guest in it. Anyone who thinks otherwise is simply deluding themselves and one day will invariably meet with great disappointment. Only a respectful attitude towards the boundaries of a young family will allow communication to continue.
And in this case, the result will not be exactly what you were striving for: communication will be less frequent, not on your terms, often without following your advice. But is it better than nothing? If you take a black and white approach to this conflict, chances are that instead of 100% you will get 0.
Revisit your expectations
Very often the offender has nothing to do with the cause of your offense! If resentment against another person is a discrepancy with your expectations from him, then it may well be that he does not know about these expectations or does not agree with them. And this is his right. Therefore, to be offended or not is entirely up to us.
Here is such a paradox. After all, we usually think that our offense is the fault of the offender, right? Your expectations should be clearly discussed at a convenient time, bearing in mind that this is only a request on your part, to which your loved ones may or may not agree. And it’s useless to be offended.
Comply with agreements
Grandmother fed her grandson sweets for the hundredth time or scolded her daughter for workaholism in the presence of her granddaughter, although all the rules were discussed and accepted. Their violation hurts especially hard, and such an insult will not come to naught on its own. How, then, to reconcile?
The conflict will be successfully resolved when the needs of each participant are satisfied. The offended is deprived of respect for himself and demands that he be reckoned with. The offender is declared a bad person who does not comply with the agreements. In such a situation, the offended person needs to regain confidence that he is respected and reckoned with, and the offender needs to prove that he is actually good and this happened by accident and without malicious intent.
The offender must take the first step towards reconciliation, and the sooner, the greater the chance of success. What should he do?
1. Take responsibility for not meeting expectations
On purpose, you did what you did, or not, but it is on your conscience, you did not keep your promise. And now it is better to postpone the explanation of the reasons until better times, to do this after reconciliation.
2. Express your regret and ask for forgiveness for what you have done
It doesn’t matter if you had good reasons. You ask for forgiveness precisely for the pain caused, without discussing all the circumstances. The more you make excuses, the more it will be clear to the loved one offended by you that they are not considered.
3. Be willing to redeem yourself
The offended person needs to regain respect and confidence that the offender actually considers him. This can be done with the help of the magic phrase: “What do you think I should do so that you forgive me?” Thus, the offender completely surrenders to the power of his victim and is ready to atone for the guilt for which he apologized. The ice around the offended person will inevitably melt at this moment: after all, he is again taken into account!
Most often, a sincere readiness to atone for guilt will already be enough for forgiveness. And there are no losers in this conflict resolution.