There are six basic principles that must be taken into account when applying punishment to children under four years of age. The punishment must be:
1. Immediatei.e. follow shortly after the bad behavior you want to stop. You should not say: “Wait a minute, dad will come home!”, Because by that time the baby will already forget about his misconduct.
2. short-lived, i.e., do not last forever, because then the child will forget the reason for the punishment.
3. Associated with a misdemeanor — for example, you should not deprive your daughter of watching her favorite TV program because she pushed someone on the rink. Better, seated on a bench, deprive her of skating for the next ten minutes.
4. proportionate, i.e., you should not seat the baby on the “penalty” chair just because he forgot to say “thank you”, and at the same time limit himself to simply reprimanding if the child intentionally pushed or bit his brother or sister.
5. Realistically feasible. If your child doesn’t want to leave the park when it’s time, don’t announce that you’ll go home without him. However, you can tell him, «If you’re not ready to leave in the next five minutes, we won’t be able to watch the movie tonight.»
6. So that the child didn’t want it to repeat soon. Don’t send your child to his room with all his toys if that’s his favorite place. Take away some toys from there for the duration of the punishment or put a “penalty” chair in the kitchen, any other less interesting corner in the house will do.
My little daughter just laughs at my punishments. I increase the time she has to spend in the «penalty» chair from five to ten minutes, but she runs away before I can get her there. I increase the punishment time to twenty minutes, although I understand that I will not be able to keep track of her. However, before the deadline, she gets up from her chair. I can’t do anything. How can I get everything back on track?
Do you think it’s worth going back in the wrong direction? Punishment with a «penalty» chair does not scare your baby at all. She understands that you will not force her to sit on it and does not take it seriously. That’s why she laughs when you punish her.
You need to think of a new way to instill a healthy dose of fear in your daughter. Is there anything she really doesn’t want to give up? You can also try. For example, toys may disappear for a while. However, if you use this method, do not increase the duration of the punishment. Toddlers still have a very poor understanding of hours and minutes and absolutely no understanding of the longevity of events, so if fifteen minutes without a favorite toy does not give the desired effect, add something new instead of stretching the first punishment to a whole hour.
So that the baby does not run away from punishment, you need to show her that you are bigger, stronger and faster, that is, it is completely useless to run away from you. You will have this physical advantage for another ten years, so take advantage while you can! We do not advocate spanking at every opportunity, but we believe that you can catch the child and put him where you want. You can hold on tight if she was thinking of running away when you told her to stay put.
Here’s what Peggy did when two-year-old Karen refused to stay in bed after being told twice that it was nap time. Seeing Karen running down the hallway, she ordered «Get back in bed!» but Karen kept moving on. Peggy ran after her, caught up with her, picked her up and carried the kicking and screaming baby to bed. Karen tried to jump up and run again, and to make her stay put, Peggy sat on her! (She did this very carefully, making it clear that her mother could keep her where she wanted). It worked, and not only this time. Your tactics must make a strong impression so that the baby does not try to run away anymore.
One simple yet effective method used by many parents is a strong tone. Babies don’t like being yelled at. As a rule, they prefer to sit on the “penalty” chair than to listen to a long reprimand. To achieve maximum impact, you need to calmly lean over the baby, look into her eyes — do not let her look away — and say what you think is necessary, depending on the seriousness of the offense committed. You can start with the classic introductory phrase: “Now listen to me carefully!” Speak as much as necessary for her to understand your point. Do not stop until you are convinced of the sincerity of repentance.
Children should be given the opportunity to correct their pranks. For example, if the baby was playing next to the kitchen table, although you told her not to, and she turned over a glass of water, have her help clean up the puddle that has formed.
Remember also that mischief is inherent in children to a certain extent. They cannot know how their actions will affect other people. When children do something bad for the first time, they don’t think about the consequences of their actions. The second time is the same, because their memory capacity is limited, and they forget everything that happened the first time. So, before you severely punish the child, keep in mind: the first two misconducts were not a deliberate prank … but the third kid should be called to account.
Alicia, being a supporter of strict parenting measures, said that she would not put up with the senseless actions of her daughter Lucy, who is two and a half years old. And yet, despite numerous severe punishments, the girl continued to ignore the wishes of her mother. Once we witnessed an incident in which, in our opinion, typical mistakes made by Alicia appeared. That’s what happened.
Alicia came to our house for her daughter, whom she brought to play with our daughter Claire.
«Time to go home,» Alicia said, but Lucy didn’t move.
We haven’t played much yet! she whimpered.
Don’t waste time, let’s go! the mother said more sternly.
No answer.
«Lucy, if you don’t put on your coat and get in the car now, I’ll lock you up at home, which means you can’t play with Rachel tomorrow,» Alicia said.
Again, no movement.
Then Alicia added:
“If you don’t obey, then the day after tomorrow you won’t go anywhere either.”
Hearing this, Lucy pouted her lips and replied:
— But I don’t care!
Then Alicia added another day of «arrest» — then another and her one. In total, Lucy «earned» two weeks of house arrest, but did not respond to threats of matter.
It is too bad that Alicia did not take into account the limited possibilities of babies in understanding time. At two and a half years old, Lucy had absolutely no idea what two weeks of such punishment really meant, as she was barely able to think a few minutes ahead. She didn’t even know how many days there were in a week.
Alicia must have anticipated her daughter’s reaction to the announced punishment; she needed to look at the situation through the eyes of her child. When the threat of «imprisonment» for one day did not budge the girl, it became clear this punishment won’t work. At this point, it was useless to move on to new threats, because the child’s line of conduct had already been marked. It was a contest of stubbornness and will, and Lucy took a good shot to win.
What could work in this case? It was necessary to create the illusion of a big win for Lucy and be sure to insist on returning home. For such a situation, “playing with a timer” is the best. Here’s what it is: you bring a kitchen timer and say, «Let’s play. You can play longer until the timer beeps. I put it on the five» — and set the timer for five minutes. “When the signal sounds, the game is over. Then we’ll go home.»
The rules seem clear and fair. Lucy manages to stay (not for long, of course). No one acts against the will of another, neither mother nor daughter. No conflict occurs.
I have tried various tactics to deal with my daughter Elizabeth’s frequent temper tantrums. I put her in a “penalty” chair, sent her to another room, canceled entertainment, scolded and took away toys. Finally, I deprived her of dessert (as you suggested), but none of these punishments made much of an impression. She continues to scream as much as she wants, and then, as a rule, goes to sleep. She wakes up calm and puzzled about why they don’t give dessert, why it’s impossible to play with this or that toy. Puzzled… but not overly concerned. Maybe I’m doing something wrong?
Before analyzing the effectiveness of disciplinary measures applied to children, let’s think about what could be better than a new and better way of punishment. If we are talking about bouts of irritation in babies, then here your main task is to prevent them. Try to determine what makes Elizabeth angry and eliminate this cause. In this case, you do not have to think about what form of punishment will work after the fait accompli.
So, first of all, ask yourself the question, do these outbursts of irritation occur in the late afternoon? If so, then your daughter may just be tired and needs sleep to recover and come to a more relaxed state. In this case, adjusting the daytime nap schedule by increasing rest time may be the best way to help the girl break this cycle of nervous outbursts.
Or maybe these phenomena are observed mainly in the morning or before dinner. Did she have a good breakfast before the first period of daily activity began? Hunger can really spoil the mood of the baby, although she may not understand that the reason is this. She only senses something is wrong and becomes more and more irritated until she finally loses control of herself and reacts negatively to things that would most likely not cause her such a reaction on a full stomach. .
If such outbursts of irritation do not occur at any particular time, then you should look for signs that precede them. Does she start to reject things she normally loves, or does she become silent and seem depressed before something pisses her off? Once you’ve determined this, you can take steps to prevent a «storm» in your home from raging.
Sit with her in some quiet place, and let the baby talk about what worries her; hug her, caress her. Remember: when a child’s temper tantrum has already begun, it’s too late to do anything, then only disciplinary consequences will come, that is, punishment.
If the measures you applied did not work, then you did not meet the above criteria. For example, your daughter does not seem to be bothered by the threat of spending punishment time in a “penalty” chair in her favorite room (see point 6). She can do fine without a toy or dessert (they are not related to the cause of her irritation — see point 3). And the cancellation of an entertainment scheduled for a certain time in the future is too far away to worry about it (see point 1).
As a result, she does not consider all these types of punishments serious enough, but she understands that this is very important for you. She seems to want to show you: “Look, I can play this game just like you. If this is a test of willpower, I’m ready for the test.»
And you know what? Your little one is right. The toy or selected dessert is not so important compared to the emotional satisfaction of defeating the parents in their own game. And believe me, trying to toughen the punishment will not give you anything. If you still try to do this, for example, increase the time you sit in the «penalty» chair or take away more toys and treats, you violate another very important principle: proportionality (see point 4).
Then what can you do? First, realize that from the moment the emotional explosion began, the girl no longer reacts to your words. She screams, twists, completely out of control, and can’t stop even if she wants to. It’s no use yelling at her to stop it. Why would she want this? She «lets off steam» and at the same time completely owns your attention. In the understanding of the child, negative attention is better than its absence. And besides, maybe she just doesn’t know another way to express herself (yet).
In this case, it is best to deprive her of the attention she is counting on. If you’re at home, make sure she’s on soft carpet so she can’t hurt herself by rolling on the floor, and completely ignore her. You can say loudly enough for her to hear (just don’t yell) «I don’t like this behavior, so I’m going to another room,» and as you leave, add «Come when you can speak in a normal voice.» Or just say, “I can’t understand anything when you scream like that. Calm down and I’ll listen to everything.» And it can be even simpler: “Stop being capricious. So you won’t achieve anything.» Exit the room, wait until the screaming stops.
In such a situation, we do not advise you to apply any other punishment than depriving the girl of your attention. But once the child’s temper tantrum has passed, sit next to her and talk about what happened. Explain why you think her behavior is a problem. Give her emotional support so she can express herself in a different way in the future. Tell the girl that you understand that she is not happy to act like a tiny baby who cannot put into words what he wants to say. Add that if she told you with words, and not with a cry, about the reason for her anxiety, you would definitely take care of it.
You can’t make empty promises. If she screams like that because you decided not to give her cookies before dinner, she can express her attitude towards this in words (just don’t whine or beg!). Perhaps you will compromise. And maybe she will get one cookie right now, and not three, as she would like. Maybe you could write a receipt for the cookies that will be given to her after dinner.
Of course, if she demands something that is dangerous for her (not wanting to be strapped to a car seat) or something impossible (wearing red shoes when she only has blue ones), then you have to make her accept the situation. At some point (it depends on the patience of the parents), you must stop the discussion and firmly say: «It will be so.»
An exception is outbursts of irritation in public places. Obviously, you can’t leave your crying baby in the store, in the library, or out for a walk. Tell her that you will take her home right now and do it.
If this is not possible because you need to finish something, get out, get in the car or go to the ladies’ room until the child calms down. After that, be sure to tell her that now she will not go for a walk with her mother very soon.
My child found it fun to drag a cat by the tail. What to do?
You can’t let a child do it even once. Cruelty to animals should not be taken as a cute childish prank that should not be paid attention to, because it is «just such a period.» Respond to this immediately by expressing shock and horror: “Kitty hurts!”, And then ask: “How will you feel if someone pulls on your ear in pain?” Even a two-year-old child can understand that doing this is wrong.
Do’s and Don’ts: Don’t grab your child’s hand or hair to demonstrate this. Such an action will teach him to act so cruelly to others. If your child is less than two years old and does not yet understand all the words, use your own body as a living model. Pull your hair and say, “Oh-oh-oh! Look how it hurts! Kitty hurts too!”
Try to make sure that the meaning of your demonstration reaches him — you must be sure of this. If a child does not understand that others are hurting, be vigilant: an obvious inability to empathize can serve as a warning signal of the presence of serious developmental problems. Carefully observe the baby, and if the fears have not disappeared, be sure to consult a pediatrician.
My daughter bites! She is a year and a month old, and she already has teeth, so this is not easy biting on a baby’s gums. When she gets angry, she just sinks her teeth, it hurts so much! How to stop it? Grandmother advises to bite her in return. Is it worth it?
With all due respect to your grandmother’s wisdom, this is just crazy! For a baby, this will mean that adults also bite. In addition, we do not advise you to shout a lot and loudly, even if you are hurt. Perhaps the effect, attention and sense of power from her own actions will captivate and excite her. In our opinion, it is best to immediately remove it from your hands, making it clear that you do not want to not only hold it, but even be around, as it makes you dangerous and unpleasant.
If she starts screaming and calling for you, say something like, “You bit me. I’m in pain. I do not like it. Children don’t bite. Never bite again!» Keep it simple and she’ll understand. Keep it low and serious — don’t yell at her. Your goal is not to intimidate the baby, but to let her know that what she did is a serious problem. She is still a baby, so punishment will not reinforce the lesson, but will only upset her.
But if she bites a brother or sister or someone else, your actions should be somewhat different. You need to protect this child from further bites, so if this happens at a party, then apologize to the parents and immediately separate the children (take your daughter home if it is not possible to find a separate room). Try to make sure your little one understands that the visit was interrupted so quickly because of her behavior. If this happened at home, briefly put her in the crib, and if there is a playpen, put her there and take care of another child. Do just that, even if you suspect that another toddler provoked the bite by taking away the baby’s favorite toy. At this age, children are selfish and don’t want to share toys, but they can and should learn not to bite back.
By the way, biting children can lead to serious medical problems. If the skin is broken, treat the wound immediately and apply an antibacterial ointment.