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Breaking up is almost always a painful process. But when we are left without explaining what happened, it is especially difficult to put up with the unknown. They are tormented not only by pain and resentment, but also by endless questions that remain unanswered. What could trigger the situation and how to deal with it?
Let you met not so long ago, but have already become close. You had no doubt: the relationship is dear to both. But suddenly he stops responding to your messages and calls.
“As surprising as it may seem, but at the very beginning of the novel, a breakup can resonate in our soul even more painfully than during a period of a longer relationship,” says psychologist and family therapist Darlene Lanser. — When our feelings first flare up, we idealize a partner. If relations developed, they would move to the stage of real recognition and acceptance of each other. This always gives rise to inevitable conflicts, which people either learn to overcome, or do not do it and part. But in this case, they at least understand why they couldn’t be together and what pushed the other side to disappear.”
When all our dreams and fantasies related to the future suddenly collapse, it always hurts. Especially if you received a non-explanatory message: «Sorry, we won’t see you again.» Let’s see why this could happen.
1. He avoids unpleasant conversation.
There are people who are afraid of any emotional clashes that inevitably arise in a relationship. Realizing that the message of the break will not be greeted with joy, they avoid a conflict situation in advance. And they often justify themselves by not talking openly about their decision, because they cherish your feelings. In fact, leaving a person in the dark is an act much more cruel.
2. He is afraid of rapprochement
An insecure person subconsciously fears that over time you will be disappointed in your relationship with him and thereby make him suffer. He disappears at the very moment when he begins to have feelings for you. The feeling of emotional dependence that is associated with close relationships scares such people for various reasons, and they prefer not to go for rapprochement at all.
3. He’s dating others at the same time
While you were sure that «everything is serious», your partner was texting or going on dates with someone else. He could just forget about your messages or get carried away by someone else. And when he realized that he had left you without an answer for a long time, he was embarrassed to go back and explain everything.
4. He plays with you
For some people with narcissistic traits, the relationship is primarily an opportunity to amuse their ego. They can radiate charm, pretend to be sensitive and attentive interlocutors, be virtuoso lovers. However, all this is exactly until the moment when they feel that emotionally you are in their power and now they can enjoy your addiction. After that, they disappear, easily switching to a new victim.
5. He is depressed
He could suddenly lose his job or get sick, which knocked him out of his usual life rut, and it is difficult for him to confess his feelings to you. You may also have dated a depressed person — some people manage to temporarily mask their depression, and a new relationship can slightly increase vitality. When he ceased to cope with the situation, he lost the desire and strength for further meetings.
6. He is uncomfortable with you.
He could recognize the traits in you that caused him to break up with his ex. For example, attempts to encroach on his personal space, which are read in overly persistent messages or calls. Perhaps he is attracted and at the same time repelled by your beauty and sexuality — he is afraid of not matching.
What if you find yourself in such a situation?
Admit it happened
“He decided to end the relationship, and accepting this fact now is much more important than trying to understand why he did it,” Darlene Lanser is sure. “By his act, he demonstrated that he does not respect your feelings and is not able to openly discuss problems, without which a full-fledged relationship is unthinkable.”
Allow yourself to feel
Give yourself time to live through natural feelings of resentment, bitterness, anger, but only give it a certain time (you can even set a timer on your phone). Your anger is an important and natural part of the experience, but don’t let it take over you for too long, which will inevitably bind you back to that person again.
Don’t blame yourself
The most important thing is to realize that what is happening is not your fault. “Disappearing without explanation characterizes (not the best way) the other side, but not you. Even if he did not find in you the qualities that he was looking for, this does not mean that you are not able to attract another person to whom you will be truly dear, ”says the psychologist.
Don’t look for contact
If you intend to meet and by all means get certainty from him, think: will you get a really honest answer? Sometimes a person cannot fully explain the reasons not only to you, but also to himself, because he is not able to understand his own feelings. Does it make sense to exacerbate your trauma and make sure a second time that there will be no relationship?
In order to recover faster, experts recommend not trying to meet, but completely withdrawing from the field of communication, including social networks.
And most importantly, very soon you will understand: the person who acted so cowardly with you at the very beginning of the relationship gave you a gift by not becoming your life companion.