Dima Zitser: “Crazy happiness when you are loved not for grades, but just like that”

About subhumans and people

More recently — what is a couple of centuries for history? — the attitude towards children was purely pragmatic: either as a labor force, or as a doll that can be dressed up and show off in front of the guests. A kind of subhuman who needs to quickly grow up to at least seven years old in order to begin his duties. An unenviable fate: a small worker or a toy, a child in any case was considered the property of an adult and was an absolutely powerless creature. Parents could not only severely punish, but also dispose of the lives of children.

It would seem a nightmare and barbarity. But has the attitude towards children changed so much these days? Do we consider them complete people?

If so, where does this come from: “You need to grow up and become a man”? This approach was cultivated in the Soviet era (take, for example, the book «Barankin, be a man!» and the film «The Adventures of Electronics»), and it is flourishing now. Children grow up in this coordinate system, but the main thing is that they themselves agree with this. With the fact that they are still nobody, that you need to grow up to become real people.

Thinking, conscious parents may be indignant: no, everything is wrong, we see a personality in our child! And yet, no, no, yes, and something like slips through: well, when he grows up and it will already be possible to talk to him like an adult …

And talking with a child “as with an adult” is a fundamentally wrong approach: firstly, he is not an adult. Secondly, it turns out that talking to him like a child is not interesting, he does not deserve attention yet, he does not hold out.

You can talk with a child on an equal footing: as with a whole person. Is it just worth it? We are different, and that’s the beauty of it. And children need you first of all as parents, and not as peers. This sets the framework that they need. The main task of the parent is to make sure that the child understands that he is an independent, integral person. Understood and believed it.

About trusting relationships

Many parents confuse concepts. “We have a trusting relationship with the child!” they proudly declare. Is that just how it is? Trusting relationships are a two-way street, so if a child shares all his experiences and secrets with you, and you, for your part, do not consider it necessary to be frank with him, they can hardly be called such.

However, you can start building such relationships. Do you want children to tell you about themselves, about what is happening to them, how they feel? Tell them about yourself. This way you create a model that they follow.

On the ability to negotiate

A situation familiar to most parents of teenagers: the child promised to return from a walk at 23:00. It’s the first hour of the night and he’s still gone. Mother or father is on the verge of hysteria, and then the child finally appears — completely shamelessly happy.

How does a «real parent» act? Immediately spoils the child’s mood. Puts under house arrest, takes away the phone — a lot of ways. But this is the worst thing to do. Let’s take a look at what’s going on. Why did he come at one in the morning? Because he was good! And do you really want to spoil the mood of your loved one? He is finally at home, everything is in order with him — this is a reason to calm down, and not to raise the degree.

Yes, you, the parent, were bad. You were so afraid that you were functioning in “animal mode”: you were out of breath, your palms were getting cold, your mouth was dry, your heart was dying, or, conversely, your heart began to beat faster, perspiration appeared. And that’s okay. This is a manifestation of parental instinct. But it is important to understand: this is your feeling, which means you have to deal with it. And the fact that «if he comes earlier, I will not be afraid» is just an illusion. You will be afraid, just something else.

Realizing that the matter is in your fear, you can go the animal way, limit the freedom of the child, or you can agree. It must be remembered that an agreement implies mutually beneficial conditions. Most agreements with children are structured like this: “Let’s eat now, and then you will do what you want, have you agreed?” And further: “Well, another spoon! But we agreed with you!..” But no, in such a situation the child did not agree on anything. This is manipulation, deceit: adults passed off pressure as an agreement.

“You will go if you write SMS” is not an agreement, but an attempt to dictate your terms. It is much more honest to confess to a child: “You know, I am very afraid for you. I have a request to you: to make me calmer, call or write to me, please. Such a request is worth a lot.

About sweets and shopping

“Give them free rein, the children would eat only sweets,” the parents sigh. Firstly, this is not so, not all children are ready to eat sweets from morning to evening. Secondly, if a child prefers sweets to any other food, then someone taught him this. So, in the family they made an object of desire out of sweets. And this is not a reason to be indignant or angry — this is a great opportunity to talk. Use your child’s love of sweets as an excuse to talk.

In addition, actively involve him in the process of choosing products and cooking. Take him to the store with you, otherwise how will he learn to choose? Don’t make your child ask:

— Mom, can I have a lollipop? — and don’t abuse your right to say no.

A box that a child takes from a shelf and puts in your shared basket counts as their purchase. All you can do is ask him what it is, why he needs it and whether he is sure of his choice.

If there is a need to fit into the budget, you cannot save only on the wishes of the child: limit at the expense of everyone. You can put the question this way: we will now go to the store, we have 1000 rubles. But you need to understand that each family member has the right to a part of this thousand. You are one family, and the money in the family is common. And no «in my house … with my money.»

Of course, at first, a child may want everything at once, but this is only due to inexperience. Your task is to help him get comfortable and feel like a full-fledged member of the family.

About whether it is possible to spoil a child with love

Rules and prohibitions, parenting traditions and modern approaches — it seems that parenthood is like walking through a minefield. One wrong step and you can inflict an incurable injury on a child or, on the contrary, spoil him to the point of impossibility.

In fact, everything is much simpler. The child does not want to sleep during the day — do not put him to bed. Unable to get into bed in the evenings — cancel daytime sleep. And finally buy him a lollipop, which he asks so much.

“Are we going to spoil the child with this?” the concerned parents ask.

No, we’ll fix it with this.

“And have ice cream before dinner?”

— Can!

— And that will be?

— Nothing will happen. Children will eat ice cream and the whole family will have a good mood.

A huge number of people spoil our children’s lives with their “why are you talking so quietly (loudly)?”, “why are you sitting (standing), why are you such an egoist, why didn’t you give up your seat?”, “why aren’t your shoelaces ironed?” . Coming home, the child should know that here is his rear, here he will not be reproached and evaluated, that here he can “lick his wounds”, that he is loved here.

This is such a crazy happiness when you are loved not for grades, not because you did something, but just like that.