Dima Zitser: Bullying at school begins with the words “everyone should”

Is it possible to say that the victim of bullying herself gives a reason for it? Why does bullying happen in some schools and not in others? What is bullying prevention? How to explain to children that poisoning another is unacceptable? The teacher Dima Zitser answers these questions.

Psychologies: Have there been cases of bullying in your own biography?

Dima Zicer: I moved from an ordinary yard school, where I studied for the first three years and was infinitely happy there, to a special physics and mathematics school. Neither before, nor then, nor now, I understand nothing either in physics or in mathematics. And my parents, probably, really wanted me to understand and they could be proud of me. I turned out to be different there: with different motivations, with different desires, I expressed my thoughts differently, behaved differently.

I got into a difficult situation, I was beaten a couple of times, but, interestingly, it ended pretty quickly, I don’t remember why. Probably, this is such an injury that is closed and not opened anymore. But I remember that a couple of years later, when I was in the sixth grade, there was an attempt to poison another boy. True, no one beat anyone, and everyone, speaking in the current language, was joking at him. And I once joined the poisoners and still remember the terrible feeling inside. Emptiness internal, chill on the back. For me, it was an injection.

Bullying is much more difficult, on the one hand, and much easier, on the other, than it might seem. This story is often irrational. Although it is possible to find a rational one, of course, if you dig for a long time. Vladimir Vysotsky, I remember, said: “We appointed enemies for the role of traitors, cowards, Judas in our children’s games.” Without understanding what it means. Very accurately said.

It seems to me that children themselves cannot always distinguish between bullying at school and personal conflict?

No, that doesn’t happen. We know when we’re being bullied, and we know when we’re in conflict with someone. Conflict is always a personal story. In the case of bullying, people unite against one person. We always know where the silent majority is and where the active majority is. I don’t think there is any confusion here. Bullying does not happen because the person is different, as many people think. We are looking for a reason in a person who is being bullied – this is fundamentally wrong. And the victim complex is arranged exactly like this: what did I do wrong?

In fact, the one who is being bullied has practically nothing to do with it. It seems to me that bullying is, first of all, a crazy simplification of relationships, this is the simplest, most primitive level of interaction. I don’t have to do almost anything to unite with others, with some company, and react to something. You yourself do not know how to solve the problem and go the simplest way. You can’t even really reflect on what’s going on. That is, it is also the inability to interact with oneself.

It is clear that one child can bully another. But why in some cases others do not get involved in this, but in some cases they unite and start harassing?

Here we must talk about the team. If at the level of a class, a company, a team, everything is arranged in such a way that we have personal relationships, then the chances for bullying to occur are much less. Because from an early age we know how to build personal relationships. And if we crowded together in the park, then the chances are much greater.

A vivid example is the film “Scarecrow”. This is the thinnest film, it is all in shades, in small things, it is quite difficult to watch, but nonetheless. Do you remember the teacher there? What was the most important thing for her? “We are all together. We are friends.”

You can’t be friends together. It’s just a deception, it’s a manipulation, speaking in a professional language. If I was taught from the age of six that we are a single team, that we are a clenched fist, if we make collective decisions, if we have the will of the majority at the forefront, and not at all the right of the minority, then a direct path to bullying is laid. And it’s another matter when adults in a team work on the theme that we are all individuals.

So are adults to blame for bullying?

Adults are always to blame. Children could learn everything only from us. I really don’t know if we should discuss it in such categories – guilty or not – but we definitely had a hand in this.

Let’s say my child is being bullied. What should I do?

One of our roles is to protect our loved ones. By all available means. Everything!

As far as I know, in America, bullying is the job of a teacher. In the sense that he should not allow it. And if bullying does start, the teacher must stop it. Teachers are trained to deal with this situation. Do our teachers have such tools?

This is where the “forewarned is forearmed” rule comes into play. If the teacher understands that this is a fairly common occurrence, then he is set to hear, smell and save. If his tactic is to sweep all the problems under the carpet, then it’s easiest for him to slip past.

The teacher understands that his wards began to poison the child. What should he do?

First of all, include reflection in the child. Moreover, the reflection is internal, individual. In no case on the principle: “Why are you doing this?” We will get a response like: “Because he acted meanly.” And then we will enter such thin ice, where meanness is a subjective concept.

No, the main thing here is to figure out where this mechanism comes from. How does it turn on? And then we can start talking with him about other ways of interacting, about what can be done about it. Well, for example, the child being bullied is really fat. And I may have a certain emotion about this, I have the right to do so. But the question is, what do I do with this feeling?

But how to enable reflection at the level of the whole team?

So I say: it is necessary to transfer the interaction of a person and the team to the level of personal interaction.

So, work with the instigator?

And what will it give me? No, I will work individually with each. To show that our connections can be arranged quite differently. We need to change the coordinate system. As soon as the child can tell me why he gets pleasure from bullying someone, it’s done. Because bullying is built on almost animal reflexes, the child does not understand what is happening to him. It is necessary that he bring this instinct to the level of awareness.

For example, he will say that he does this to attract the attention of a girl from the second desk or to make other boys look at him with adoration. If he said it, it instantly becomes clear that there are other tools for this. How are we different from animals? Free will, right?

What vaccination can a child receive in the family so that he does not have thoughts about bullying?

He needs to be given credit for himself. The reverse of this idea is “all children should do this”. “All boys mustn’t cry.” “All girls should be able to cook.” As soon as the word “everyone” appears, the ground for bullying arises: “All children must be thin, you can’t be fat,” and so on. We all have the right to be different.

I really like the wording “All people are different, but they are all equal.” If education is built on this foundation, perhaps then the children will not react to those who are different.

Why, let them react, only let them have the tools of this reaction. We are born without hate. How did we manage to make it happen?

And so: saying “this is only black”, “this is only white”, “whoever is not with us is against us”. Everyone knows these “wonderful” formulas of the adult world. We push them, push them, and when we push them to this edge of the abyss, we say: “Oh, what is this doing ???”

Maybe there are some other important words or wishes to support parents, teachers and, of course, children?

I will quote: “In suffering, a child has no hope, reason does not extend a helping hand to him, in a difficult moment he has nothing to grab onto, except for grief itself.” Andersen said it. I will not even try to say it better, this amazing statement is very relevant.

I would like to wish everyone that you remember this. When a person is in trouble, especially a person who is weaker than us, we can only give him support.

There is no excuse for us if we say: “You are to blame, you behaved wrongly.” Only support! He’s in pain, he’s sick. I appeal now to the victims of this terrible phenomenon: when you feel bad, you have the right to any help: from your parents, from the police, from friends, from anyone. When we feel bad, we have the right to defend ourselves.

The material was prepared on the basis of a conversation between journalist Lika Dlugach and psychologists, teenagers and their parents on the air of the project “Dear Mom! Being a Parent of a Teenager” is a joint initiative of the journal Psychologies and the UNESCO Regional Program for Health Education, implemented on the site of the Odnoklassniki social network.