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The conversation took an unexpected turn. You are scared, uncomfortable, embarrassed. You leave the “battlefield” under a plausible pretext, or, on the contrary, you start to prove your case with foam at the mouth. But is it worth it to behave like this?
Difficult are not only the negotiations of the first persons of states and top managers of large corporations. Conversations in the kitchen with your wife or in the office with a colleague can be just as difficult, but they are necessary. You just need to learn how to lead them correctly. Kerry Patterson and co-authors of Key Negotiations: What and How to Say When the Stakes Are High believe that the effectiveness of leaders, employees, parents, and spouses is related to the ability to openly discuss complex issues. By mastering this skill, you will not only be able to solve pressing problems, but also strengthen relationships, improve health, increase the likelihood of career growth and increase the efficiency of the company.
Difficult and unpleasant conversations are not the same
A difficult conversation differs from an unpleasant one in that its results affect later life. The math teacher gave your teenage son a D on a test and called you to school. It’s an unpleasant conversation, but not a difficult one. Whatever you agree to, the results of the conversation will not affect either your life or the life of your son.
And if you return home from school, call him an ignoramus and a parasite, and perhaps use stronger expressions, and insist that he solve mathematical problems every day from six to eight in the evening, the conversation risks turning into a difficult one. And if you forbid going out with friends or try to take away gadgets, you will lose the trust of the child, and then he can leave school, leave home, stop communicating with you.
Characteristics of Difficult Conversations
Such a conversation has three distinguishing features:
Different opinions of interlocutors. Peter returns from work and asks his wife: “Lena, what are we having for dinner?” Lena calmly replies: “I just got back. Let’s order pizza.” Hungry Peter doesn’t want pizza. He already ate it yesterday. He demands that his wife quit her job: she gets a penny, she stays late, the house is a mess, the refrigerator is empty. He makes good money, but he wants to come back in the evening for a hot dinner and put on ironed shirts and trousers in the morning. But Lena keeps talking about self-realization and does not want to quit.
Powerful emotions. First, Peter asks his wife to pay more attention to the household, then he raises his voice and demands that she quit tomorrow. The wife is crying and talking about an important project. Peter is furious: the project is more precious than the family!
High rates. Spouses scream, remember past grievances and accuse each other of all sins. Lena threatens with a divorce, and Peter suddenly falls silent, goes into another room and calls his single friend Seryoga, offering to drink beer.
Lena and Peter’s relationship is under threat. Peter uses the tactic of silence, moves away from the conversation. And Lena prefers attack tactics. Both tactics are ineffective and can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. But if the spouses learn how to properly conduct a dialogue, marriage has a chance.
How to behave?
Before changing tactics – stop avoiding a difficult conversation or attacking an interlocutor, Kerry Paterson suggests mastering several principles of constructive dialogue:
Listen to the heart. The only person you can change is you.
Don’t make a stupid choice between safety and victory. Determine what you want and don’t want and discuss it calmly.
Follow the signals. Analyze your feelings during a difficult dialogue: physiological (heaviness in the stomach, tension in the eyes), emotional (fear, insecurity), behavioral (strong gesticulation or stupor). Everyone has an individual reaction.
Create a safe environment. If you said something mean or rude, ask for forgiveness.
Develop a common goal.
Control the conversationperiodically asking yourself:
- Am I using silence and/or violence tactics?
- What emotions make me behave this way?
- What caused these emotions?
- What do I really want?
- What should I do to get it?
Share your vision: facts, its history.
Be interested in the perspective of the interlocutor. Avoid categorical discussion.
Make a decision together with interested parties.
Plan for future activities: allocate responsibilities, designate deadlines, determine control mechanisms.