What if we’ve tried everything? How to help a difficult child?
It is customary to blame naughty children, and even more so children who are “out of hand”. They are looking for malicious intent, vicious genes, etc. In fact, the number of “difficult” children usually includes not the “worst”, but especially sensitive and vulnerable ones. They «go off the rails» under the influence of life’s stresses and difficulties, reacting to them much earlier and stronger than more stable children.
From this follows the conclusion that A «difficult» child needs only help — and in no case in criticism and punishment.
The reasons for the persistent disobedience of the child should be sought in the depths of his psyche. It seems on the surface that he “simply does not obey”, “simply does not want to understand”, but in fact the reason is different. And, as a rule, it is emotional, not rational. Moreover, it is not realized by either the adult or the child himself.
Psychologists have identified four main causes of serious behavioral disorders in children.
The first is fight for attention. If a child does not receive the right amount of attention, which he needs so much for normal development and emotional well-being, then he finds a way to get it — disobedience. Adults keep pouring out remarks … It cannot be said that this is very pleasant, but the attention is still received. It’s better than none.
The second reason — struggle for self-assertion against excessive parental authority and guardianship. The famous demand «I myself» of a two-year-old baby persists throughout childhood, especially aggravated in adolescents. Children are very sensitive to the infringement of this desire. But it becomes especially difficult for them when they are communicated with, mainly in the form of instructions, remarks and fears. Adults believe that this is how they instill in children the right habits, accustom them to order, prevent mistakes, and generally educate them.
It is necessary, but the question is HOW to do it. If remarks and advice are too frequent, orders and criticism are too harsh, and fears are too exaggerated, then the child begins to rebel. The teacher is faced with stubbornness, self-will, actions in defiance. The meaning of such behavior for the child is to defend the right to decide his own affairs, and, in general, to show that he is a person. And it does not matter that his decision is sometimes not very successful, even erroneous. But it is yours, and this is the main thing!
The third reason — desire for revenge. Children are often offended by adults. The reasons can be very different: the teacher is more attentive to the excellent students, the parents are more attentive to the younger, the parents divorce, the child was excommunicated from the family (put in the hospital, sent to the grandmother), the parents constantly quarrel, the teacher constantly makes unfair remarks, etc.
There are many and isolated reasons for resentment: an unfulfilled promise, a harsh remark, an unfair punishment …
And again, in the depths of his soul, the child experiences and even suffers, but on the surface — all the same protests, disobedience, poor progress. The meaning of “bad” behavior in this case can be expressed as follows: “You did me badly — let it be bad for you too! ..”
Finally, the fourth reason is loss of faith in one’s own success. It may happen that a child experiences his trouble in one area of life, and his failures occur in a completely different one. For example, a boy may not develop relationships in the classroom, and the result will be neglected studies; otherwise, failure at school may lead to defiant behavior at home, and so on.
This «displacement of ill-being» is due to the child’s low self-esteem. Having accumulated a bitter experience of failures and criticism in his address, he generally loses self-confidence. He comes to the conclusion: «There is nothing to try, it will not work out anyway.» This is in the soul, and by external behavior he shows: “I don’t care”, “Let me be bad”, “I will be bad!” See Building Adequate Self-Esteem in a Child
Agree that the aspirations of difficult children are quite positive and natural and express a natural need for warmth and attention, a need for recognition and respect for his personality, a sense of justice, a desire for success. The trouble with «difficult» children is that, firstly, they suffer acutely from the non-fulfillment of these needs and, secondly, from attempts to make up for this lack in ways that do not make up for anything.
Why are they so «unreasonable»? Yes, because don’t know how to do it differently! And therefore, any serious violation of the child’s behavior is help signal. By his behavior, he tells us: “I feel bad! Help me!»
The task of understanding the cause, at first glance, is not an easy one. After all, different causes outwardly manifest themselves in the same way. For example, poor study can be associated with a desire to attract attention, and with an unwillingness to obey someone else’s will, and with attempts to «repay» parents, and with a loss of faith in one’s own strength. And yet, identifying the true cause of bad behavior is quite simple, although the method may seem very strange — you need to pay attention to your own feelings.
Look, note what emotional reaction you yourself have when the child repeatedly disobeys. For different reasons, this reaction is different. Here is the amazing fact that the experiences of adults are a kind of mirror of the hidden emotional problem of the child.
If a child fights attention, now and then annoying with their antics, then we have irritation.
If the underlying reason is confrontation will educator, then the latter has anger.
If the hidden reason revenge, then we have a response feeling — insult.
Finally, with a child’s deep experience of his troubles we are in the grip of feelings hopelessnessand sometimes despair.
As we can see, feelings are different, and it is quite possible to understand which one is suitable for a particular case. What to do next?
The first and general answer to it is this — try not to react in the usual way, that is, in the way that the child already expects from you. The fact is that in such cases a vicious circle is formed. The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child is convinced that his efforts have reached the goal, and he resumes them with new energy. This means that our task is to stop reacting in the old ways and thereby break the vicious circle.
Of course, this is not easy to do. You can’t command emotions, they turn on almost automatically, especially when conflicts are old, “with experience”. And yet you can change the nature of communication! You can stop, if not an emotion, then at least everything that follows it: remarks and punishing actions. If in the next moment you manage to figure out what exactly you felt, then it will not be difficult to solve the child’s problem: with what, against what or from what he “fought”. And after that it is much easier to move from the position of influence, correction to the position of assistance, interaction. Help will vary from case to case.
If there is a struggle for attention, you need to find a way to show your child your positive attention to him. It is better to do this in relatively calm moments, when no one annoys anyone and no one is angry with anyone. For example, it can be joint activities, games, walks, well-deserved praise, etc. It is worth trying, and you will see, feel how grateful the child will respond. See →
As for his usual «antics», they are best left unattended. After a while, the child will find that they do not work, and the need for them, thanks to your positive attention, will disappear.
God forbid ignoring this child altogether. In this case, an asocial person will be formed in his behavior.
If the source of conflicts is the struggle for self-affirmation, then, on the contrary, control over the affairs of the child should be reduced. We have already said how important it is for children to accumulate experience of their own decisions and even failures. During the transition period of your relationship, refrain from making demands that, in your experience, he is unlikely to fulfill. On the contrary, what can be called the «tuning method» helps a lot — you do not dispute the decision to which he came, but agree with him on the details and conditions for its implementation. But most of all, it will help to get rid of excessive pressure and dictatorship by understanding that the stubbornness and self-will of a child is just a form of prayer that irritates you: “Finally, let me live with my mind.” Remember that living someone else’s life is a thankless task. See →
If you feel resentment, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child hurt you? What is his own pain? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, it is necessary, of course, to try to eliminate it. See →
The most difficult situation is for a desperate adult and a child (teenager) who has lost faith in his abilities. The reasonable behavior of the educator in this case is to stop demanding “relying” behavior. It is worth «resetting to zero» your expectations and claims. Surely a child can do something and is even very capable of something. But for now, you have it the way it is. Find the level of tasks available to him. This is your starting point from which you can start moving forward. Do something with him together, he cannot get out of the impasse on his own. At the same time, no criticism should be allowed against him!
Look for any reason to encourage him, celebrate any, even the smallest success. Try to insure him, save him from major failures. You will notice and feel that the very first successes will inspire your child. See →
Remember that it is useless to wait for your efforts to create peace and discipline in the family or in the classroom to lead to success on the first day. The path is long and difficult, it will require a lot of patience from you. You probably noticed that the main efforts should be directed towards being aware of your negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) and switching them to constructive actions. Yes, in a sense, you will have to change yourself. But this is the only way of education.
And the last thing that is very important to know. In the beginning, when you first try to improve the relationship, the child may reinforce his bad behavior! He may not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will check them. So you have to endure this serious test.