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I am often asked the question — what is the difference between a consultation in the style of the Synton approach and consultations of representatives of other psychological schools.
I always answer that we initially try to rely on common sense. We are not in a hurry to look for hidden underlying causes of problems in any trifle, inaccessible to a person for his awareness, but supposedly urgently needed for the analysis of his conflicting behavior and conflicting feelings. We, the practical psychologists of the synton approach, suggest not delving into assumptions about possible vague reasons, but suggest that a person turn on his head and start acting reasonably. And where it does not work right away — learn it. We do not treat, but teach, relying on ordinary common sense.
For an even better understanding of what tools practical psychologists from different schools use, I offer you two answers to the same request:
«Good afternoon! I ask for your help. My relationship with a man has gone far. Now I’m afraid of the correctness of my actions. There was uncertainty — I need it or not. Secondly, he is tormented by pain for his wife, that she was left alone. I will blame myself and feel guilty. Give me your advice.»
The answer of a representative of one of the psychological schools
“This is the flip side of a relationship in a love triangle.
First, when a woman is in the position of a Mistress, she consciously sincerely wants to become the wife of this man. And he does everything possible (and impossible) to make it happen.
At the same time, for all the FEELINGS that the Wife experiences, her eyes are simply closed.
And if the strength of the energy of the Wife in the mistress begins to increase, and in the real wife of this man the energy of the Wife was not enough — the Mistress wins.
Looks like it’s time to rejoice…
Yes, it was not here…
Feelings never go anywhere. We can stop them within ourselves. We can freeze them for as long as we can handle the cold. We can ignore them. And say to yourself: «It just seemed to you.»
Only this they do not cease to exist.
They keep reminding themselves. And they do not allow us to enjoy the happiness that we have been striving for for so long.
And the most important feeling that you have to face is guilt.
Let’s look at this situation not from the point of view of the outside world. And (God forbid) not in terms of condemning anyone in the love triangle.
Let’s look at it from that point of view —
WHAT HAPPENS INSIDE
There is a part of us inside that can be called Wife. And inside there is a part of us that can be called the Mistress. And of course, inside there is an image of the ideal man that we are looking for outside, in the outside world.
And then there is the Monster.
And the inner figure of this Monster does not allow the inner figure of the Mistress to become happy in the outside world. She stands behind the warden and now whispers, then shouts: “You have no right to happiness!”
And if suddenly the inner position of the Wife strengthens in the mistress, then the Monster begins to speak more quietly. BUT! Until everything actually happened. Namely, until in reality a woman stays with her beloved man.
And now the worst is happening. The monster begins to yell heart-rendingly: “WHAT DID YOU DO? How dare you? Don’t you feel sorry for her?» And so on and so forth.
Who is the Monster?
These are feelings. These are forgotten negative feelings. Rage. Anger. Disappointment. hate. Guilt. Grievances. Shame…
So why am I telling you all this? Yes, and from the point of view of the inner world, when in fact you are in reality very, very bad.
Hear me now.
You feel sorry NOT for the real, real wife of your man (more precisely, not only her). You feel sorry for yourself when you were in this role. When you were alone. When you missed love. When you cried into your pillow.
I have two pieces of advice for you.
First. Have pity on yourself. Tell yourself how you understand yourself — how painful and hard it was for you. And how much you feel guilty now. Talk to yourself more. Do a healing exercise. Do and do. One day is not enough. At least a week.
Second tip. Warning — without the first will NOT work. Do the first tip first. Then the second.
Call your man’s ex-wife. And ask her for forgiveness. Tell me how you understand it. You understand all her pain. And you are sincerely sorry that you got in her way. That her man actually turned out to be your man. Yes, this happens in real life. It doesn’t make it any less painful.
However, it is important for us to recognize the fact of pain itself.
Most likely she will throw out all her aggression on you. Let her do it. It will be medicine for her. And in this way, you can redeem yourself. Let her yell at you as much as she wants.
It will not be good (for her) at all if she cannot even scream.
In response to all her words, you should answer one thing: “Yes, of course. I’m truly sorry.»
One more warning.
If you are insincere, nothing will work for you.
Be sincere. And then you can redeem yourself. You can give your man’s ex-wife the freedom to choose another man. You can become truly happy in your union.
With faith in your happiness, S.M.
I repeat the question:
«Good afternoon! I ask for your help. My relationship with a man has gone far. Now I’m afraid of the correctness of my actions. There was uncertainty — I need it or not. Secondly, he is tormented by pain for his wife, that she was left alone. I will blame myself and feel guilty. Give me your advice.»
My answer, as a representative of the synton approach, is this:
“Torturing yourself with pain for his wife that she was left alone is not necessary, you first need to seriously figure out whether you and the man with whom you are thinking of tying your fate are acting decently. If you just seduced a man and took him away from a decent woman, then this is vile. And the question is not in feelings, but in dishonesty. If that wife is a lazy person and a drug addict, walking and not wanting children, then he does not need to live with her, and your conscience should be clear.
Another thing is to figure out whether you need this man or not. Here I would advise you to weigh all the pros and cons that appear in your life with the transition of this man from the role of a lover to the role of a husband. The requirements for lovers and mistresses, as a rule, do not coincide with the requirements for husbands and wives, so lovers, most often, are equipped with the qualities of a lover, and not a husband.
Therefore, think again: is your lover suitable for the role of a husband. To do this, describe what is important to you from your husband (A good friend? Protection and support? A father for children? A home builder?), and note if your lover has these distinctive features.
At the same time, think about the fact that this man will also have obligations to that woman and, possibly, to children: all this will not go away from life, it will still take time, money and nerves. Think it all over.
And be sure to check how you correspond to his ideas about the ideal wife. Is he mistaken in you, trying on a new role for you, being in rose-colored glasses of love? Ask what skills he expects from a woman in family life. By the way, not only him, but also other men of a similar type to him (by temperament, education, social class). Questionnaire «Fundamentals of the family contract» — will help you.
Well, the last. The more you walk around looking confused and feeling guilty, the more difficult it will be for you to build relationships and make decisions. Shake yourself, smile and start thinking. You will succeed!».
different schools of counseling. Continuation
Friends, I continue to bring to your attention a comparative solution of queries — in the style of the Synton approach and in the style of other psychological schools:
Question: “I used to have big problems with guys. I could not build relationships, they broke off at the stage of retention. I worked with a psychoanalyst, he revealed my fears from childhood. I worked with them according to the Sinelnikov method. And it seems like a man appeared on the horizon, at first glance, quite good. They fell in love, got married quickly. The first year of life was awesome and happy. I was very happy…” See →