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We think that co-sleeping with a partner is evidence of a close relationship, while not wanting to co-sleep every night, on the contrary, is a bad sign. Our reader Olga, who lives in South Korea, tells how this stereotype is broken in the traditions of the local culture and why she and her husband decided to sleep separately.
The whole experience of Korean life speaks in favor of the fact that separate bedrooms are by no means the way to cool relations. Historically, the joint residence of husband and wife was not accepted here: there were even two halves of the house, male and female.
This, of course, was the prerogative of people of a certain position and wealth. And as soon as the family could afford several rooms, the division of bedrooms happened by itself. At the same time, the father and eldest sons always had to sleep in the warmest room. They were given the best place in the house, because the physical survival of the family directly depended on their performance.
It was before, but what now? Most spouses sleep together. But when such an opportunity arises for long-married people, many are separated, and this is by no means treated with our usual anxiety. Co-sleeping is not an indicator of a successful relationship in a couple.
I’m glad the bed didn’t turn into a family trap where we have to be together every night.
In our apartment there is the so-called “inner room” here – the master bedroom. There we have the only real, in the European sense, bed. We slept on it for a while. After the birth of children, I could fall asleep while laying the babies down. And little by little we worked out a system that is still in effect today—I call it nomadic sleep.
We have four bedrooms and a living room, so each member of the family has their own room. And now we sometimes sleep together, but about four or five days out of seven – separately. This is very convenient because of our different schedules with my husband. He leaves for work at seven in the morning, and I often work at night, I can fall asleep by five in the morning. Sometimes the four of us sleep with the kids, and that also has its charm.
If we do not sleep together, this does not mean that there is no intimate relationship between us. As long as this desire is mutual for the couple, nothing will become an obstacle, especially separate bedrooms. And sleep has nothing to do with it.
I see a lot of advantages in not sleeping together all the time. We have time to get bored, and this is always a special joy of meeting – touches, hugs. I can say with confidence: if we only slept together, then with a mismatched mode of life we would wake each other up, not get enough sleep, which would definitely add to irritation.
I’m glad that I can sleep separately if I want and our bed hasn’t turned into a family trap where we have to be together every night.
“Sleeping together is not what really brings us together”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
In Russia, where until recently a family of three generations could huddle in one room, sleeping separately was an unaffordable luxury for many. And the idea of personal boundaries and the boundaries of a couple simply had nowhere to form. Existence at an unbearably close distance was an uncontested reality.
In addition, many decades of communal apartments have created a special sensitivity to the question of what people will say. We often automatically ask ourselves it instead of another, more important one: what do I feel, how does it respond to me? Is it useful for me? Nice?
So co-sleeping becomes a formal sign of the quality of the relationship. Marriage, meanwhile, has ceased to be a means of survival, it has become more room for mutual respect, the manifestation of our individuality.
This property of a mature stable couple is to adapt creatively
Researchers call the autonomy of spouses the basis of the stability of the modern family. This means that there should be no sacrifices in marriage, and if it is more convenient for you to sleep alone, then this is possible, necessary and useful.
Sometimes co-sleeping becomes an indirect means of communication: look, at least I’m with you. And then the question arises: how does the couple contact directly? Can we talk to each other about our needs and preferences? Do you manage to have a good time together? Or is it only possible in a dream?
If the quality of communication and the level of mutual understanding allows you to be yourself, and not adjust to your own detriment, then we will find ways to make everyone feel comfortable, whether it will be a joint sleep or a separate one. This property of a mature stable couple is to adapt creatively. And if joint sleep is the last thing that unites us, then we can leave the illusions, because then, in fact, nothing binds us.
About expert
Natalya Artsybasheva – Gestalt therapist. Her .