Destructive relationships: why is it so hard to leave?

What signs can be used to identify destructive relationships?

• you feel that you are not needed, indifferent to a person;
• your interests, views, desires, opinions are neglected;
• you are manipulated, for example, constantly causing jealousy, guilt;
• you feel worthless, self-esteem is low;
• you are not respected;
• you are in constant nervous tension.

This list can go on, but the point is the same — you suffer. Ask yourself: Are relationships making you happy? Someone will object: “There are no absolutely happy relationships! In life there is always a place for quarrels, disagreements, misunderstandings. They are right. Any relationship, and even more so marriage, is work, each of the partners must contribute in order to establish mutual understanding and build a happy union.

But destructive relationships have two key differences:

1. You experience discomfort all the time.
2. You don’t deserve the way you are treated.

Everyone has quarrels. For example, you had a fight because your husband did not wash the dishes after him. But in a healthy relationship, the husband will call back and explain that he was late and forgot to do it. Returning home, he will definitely wash, because he respects you and your requests. Or, perhaps he will not have to do anything, because you, as an understanding wife, will do everything yourself. In a destructive relationship, the husband will say that washing dishes is not his responsibility: “You are a woman, here is mine!”, “Why are you pestering me with endless requests? I have my affairs through the roof!”. And you will either bend, go and wash, or stand in a defensive position until a mountain of unwashed dishes begins to fall out of the apartment.

Feel the difference? In the first case, you are heard and respected, a person is easily ready to please a partner. In the second, you are neglected, putting principles above your desires. Of course, a bad temper is not necessarily a sign of a destructive relationship. For example, if the above incident happened once, there is nothing to worry about. But everything in life is made up of little things, and a simple situation turns into a problem when repeated day after day.

What to do if you have diagnosed a destructive relationship?

The answer suggests itself — to stop them. Easy to say, but is it so easy to do? Breaking up a relationship is often unbearably difficult. Maybe you don’t need to stop them? Perhaps you like these conditions? “How can you like it if I suffer?” — you ask. The key lies in your need for this relationship. You just can’t leave, but why?

1. You are afraid of being alone.

The most common reason why people fail to end relationships, even in the absence of love and understanding.

2. You are used to suffering, it seems to be the norm.

The reason is childhood trauma, family scenarios from childhood. For example, a girl who from a young age has seen scenes of violence and constant scandals in the family perceives the situation as the norm and unconsciously looks for similar despotic men. With her mind, she understands that this is bad, such behavior towards a woman is terrible, but every time she runs away from such a relationship, she stumbles upon similar ones. The internal conflict is not resolved, she unconsciously tries to resolve it, but to no avail. Usually in such cases, only deep psychotherapy helps.

Or another, more common story: a girl grew up without a father or without paternal (parental) love. Having matured, such women often become insecure, they cannot allow the thought that someone can love them, they feel unworthy of love. Of course, they are drawn to the «bad guys» who use and abandon them. Because they have no idea what love is, that a person can be sincerely loved simply for what he is.

Each time she enters a destructive relationship, the girl experiences a family scenario where her father «left» her, regardless of the reason for which he was not really there. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get out of this vicious neurotic circle. The problem is aggravated by the fact that such girls try to attract “love” by any means: trying to become necessary, they bend under men, allow themselves to be pushed and used. It happens differently: a woman who did not receive love in childhood closes herself and becomes cold, out of fear of being abandoned, does not let anyone near her. Similar scenarios apply to the male half of humanity.

3. The need to be needed

This item contains both the fear of loneliness and children’s complexes where you did not receive love.

So, you realized that you are in a “toxic” relationship and even roughly understood the reason. What to do next? There are two ways out: to change the situation or not to change. To change means to end those relationships in which you are not valued. Remember, you deserve the best just because you are!

Not to change means to keep the relationship, but to change the perception, to reconfigure oneself in these relationships. How to do it? This is another story, which concerns deep and painstaking introspection with all the consequences, or contacting a specialist.

As a result, ask yourself the question: “Am I suffering or happy?”

There are cases when a person has limited personal space, when a partner totally controls him — for someone this can cause a feeling of discomfort and anxiety. However, not all. Here, the features of the character and perception of a certain person play a role, which, in turn, are also associated with a certain pathology of self-esteem. Is it necessary to change something if a person feels happy?

If you still do not feel satisfaction from the relationship, you must decide to make changes in your life, because you simply have no right to be unhappy.

And yet, try to analyze, perhaps the destructor and the cause of the destructive relationship is yourself? Maybe your partner is suffering in a relationship with you, and is it worth changing something in yourself or leaving, freeing your loved one from suffering?