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Many see jealousy as a sign of true love. If a person is jealous, it means that the partner is not indifferent to him. But total control, distrust, interrogation with predilection is a pathology that can destroy any relationship. Where does jealousy come from and how to deal with it?
Historically, jealousy is one of the methods of natural selection. People began to experience it at the moment of the transformation of sexual life — from polygamy to monogamy. It was at that moment that couples and families began to form. Along with stable unions came worries and fear: “Is my partner faithful to me, will I lose him and everything that we have now.”
Men and women: are there any differences?
Men are more prone to jealousy. And one of the basic grounds is the anxiety about whether they are raising their child. After all, a woman knows for sure that she is the mother of a child, but a man always has a small amount of doubt. That is why men are more sensitive to physical infidelity.
In a woman, jealousy is formed differently. It is important for her that a man be emotionally attached to her, subtly feel the world of her feelings, emotions, experience unconditional love. This gives a sense of security: despite the great competition, the partner will stay with her and take care of their family. Therefore, women are more likely to experience emotional betrayal when a man falls in love with another.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a feeling that makes us afraid that the one we love may disappear from our lives. It makes you think of a fictional person who can take our place. Such thoughts are dangerous, especially when jealousy is groundless. The anxiety and fear that gives rise to jealousy is just a fantasy based on low self-esteem.
Groundless jealousy is a manipulation method that is directly related to control. When a person is convinced that he is not so good, handsome, smart, that he cannot be loved and accepted as he is, he takes control of his partner’s life.
A person with low self-esteem cannot believe that they can be loved and unconsciously tries to find a threat
Usually, such people, without any remorse, get into a partner’s phone or computer, check messages, emails and social networks, remove from friends those whom they see as a threat. They also calmly check bags, cars and all clothes for traces of lipstick, perfume, control debits from a bank card.
They are constantly looking for confirmation of their fears and doubts, because they are internally convinced that the partner is only pretending, deceiving that he loves. These beliefs encourage you to persistently look for a catch in a relationship until it is found. And it does not matter that it will be more a figment of the imagination.
Such searches bring strong destructive experiences. A person begins to dramatize and think out so much that he can fall into a deep depression or into an affective state that does not guarantee safety for the jealous person and his partner.
Reasons for jealousy
1. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is the foundation for jealousy. It is on it that high walls of pathological mistrust and control are built. So, if he is convinced that he is bad in something, and there is someone in his partner’s environment who, on the contrary, is good in this aspect, then this becomes a trigger for jealousy and conflict.
For example, if a woman believes that she has a plump figure, then when she sees her man surrounded by more slender women, she will be jealous. If a man believes that he is short and not rich enough, then all representatives of the stronger sex are taller and wealthier than him and will be in the zone of jealousy.
In what a person feels vulnerable, that will determine his jealousy of others. It is for these reasons that jealousy can be compared with envy: «I am angry at a person who is more beautiful, smart, successful, rich.»
2. Tendency to be egocentric
Jealousy is also inherent in people prone to despotism and egocentrism. They consider their partner to be property, despite the fact that they themselves are prone to polygamy and adultery. Often they suspect a partner of similar actions, project their inner motives onto him, and attribute their inclinations to him. «If I cheat, then the partner behaves the same way.»
Feeling guilty, they unconsciously turn on defense mechanisms that push them to intensify their aggressive search for evidence of their partner’s infidelity. It helps to numb the guilt and calm down.
3. Settings from childhood
It should be remembered that jealousy is an energy-consuming feeling. It is formed in childhood, for example, when a girl hears from her mother that all men lie, they cannot be trusted, they always cheat. Growing up, the child becomes more and more rooted in this belief, which affects self-esteem and relationships with the opposite sex.
The paradox is that even the fidelity of a partner is not considered as an argument that can dispel doubts: «Do not trust — they will deceive you.» A jealous person will always look for a reason for conflict. Ultimately, this threatens that the partner will begin to notice the low self-esteem of the jealous person and unconsciously compare him with other people.
Here the algorithm works: what we are afraid of, then overtakes us. And there is no mysticism in this algorithm. A person, by his own suggestions and suspicions, pushes another to bad deeds.
How to deal with jealousy?
First, analyze: is it based on real events or is it a manifestation of low self-esteem, egocentrism. If pathological jealousy is unreasonable and you have already tortured yourself and your partner with it, then I recommend using self-help techniques:
1. Increase Jealousy at the Emotional Level
When a feeling of jealousy flooded over you, it is necessary to transfer it from the mental field to the physical. Try to scream, beat the pillow, take a contrast shower, dance, grimacing, bring yourself to hysterical laughter. Your goal is to do everything you can to expel this feeling and negative energy from your mind and body.
2. Talk frankly with your partner
Don’t be afraid to talk about this topic. Explain what is bothering you. Share your fears, tell us at what moments this feeling awakens in you. If you are dear to a partner, then he will help you cope with baseless jealousy. If there are reasons, then you need to seriously think about the problem that exists in the relationship.
3. Don’t be «007»
The more you hide from your partner (lock code on a smartphone, laptop, tablet), the more likely it is to cause a feeling of jealousy. As soon as you close something, you give a reason to think that you have something to hide. I strongly recommend not to be classified, thereby saving the partner from unnecessary reasons for jealousy.
4. Grow
Start building your self-esteem. Engage in self-education to train the mind, sports to train the body. Identify growth points and try to grow in them. Achieve inner harmony.
5. Control your thoughts
Shift your focus from your partner to something else. Find a hobby that grabs all the attention and leaves no room for negative thoughts.
The main thing is to start working with jealousy in time, so as not to form a negative life experience that can make life miserable.