If the partners have been together for a long time, over time, the sexual intensity becomes dull and friendly and kindred feelings begin to dominate. However, some men, already at the beginning of a relationship, cannot combine the image of a wife, mother of their children and a mistress in one chosen one. This is one of the common causes of “love triangles”. Why is this happening and is it possible to change something, our experts think.
“The Madonna-Whore Complex,” as psychologists call it, can wake up in any man. After many years of marriage, the beloved woman begins to be perceived as the “immaculate Madonna”, the mother of children and a reliable friend who can be relied upon. Sexual attraction to her recedes, and mutual efforts are required for the couple to return the lost sense of novelty.
“If both are able to treat the union as creativity and the future is mutually dear to them, this is quite possible,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. – Sometimes the splitting into two images is exaggerated in the imagination of a man: he creates an alliance with someone he appreciates, respects and considers a potentially good mother, but he experiences sexual attraction to women of a different type. It is they who are associated with the opportunity to let go of their sexual fantasies.”
How the Madonna-Whore complex is born
It all starts in infancy, when the child is still devoid of a sense of shame and is not familiar with social norms of behavior, and the mother for him is the whole world in which he is protected, fed, feels serene and comfortable. “The baby experiences a huge range of feelings: he enjoys the warmth of the body, breast milk, and experiences an unconscious sexual craving for his mother,” explains the psychologist. “But very soon the outside world imposes prohibitions on the boy and sets boundaries.
The baby is growing, and it turns out that many things are impossible for him: at any time to receive his mother’s breasts, sleep with her in the same bed, walk naked. The boy is laughed at when he confesses his love to his mother and wants to marry her. The child begins to suppress his sexual impulses, and in his mind there is a kind of splitting.
The baby feels that the previous passionate bodily feelings towards the mother are impossible, and her image is idealized. He allows himself only admiration and platonic affection. And the more carnal desires were forbidden to the child, the more likely it is that the unconscious separation of these two feminine principles will prevail in adulthood. This can also happen if the boy grows up with a very cold, stingy mother for emotions and feelings, and any manifestation of physicality is condemned in the family.
Repressed childhood feelings do not go anywhere, and carnal desires begin to be perceived as something forbidden.
Family circumstances that a growing child faces can also aggravate the Madonna-Whore complex. If a boy is an indirect witness of his father’s betrayals, he hears talk about it and sees that what is happening makes his mother suffer, then he involuntarily projects negative feelings onto the lover, which he later associates with the sexual side of the relationship.
However, the repressed childhood feelings do not go away, and carnal desires begin to be perceived as something forbidden, which can be afforded only with someone who is a priori unworthy of becoming a life partner.
“Men who live with this complex often create love triangles: they have a family and a mistress on the side,” explains psychotherapist Elena Astrakhanskaya. – Respect and care goes to the wife, and love passion goes to another woman. Often all three parties suffer from this.
Is it possible to change the situation?
It is possible, but only if the man himself seeks to change it. It is possible to deal with internal attitudes both with the support of a psychologist and on your own.
“You can write them out point by point and challenge them at the same time,” suggests Marina Myaus. – For example, why do you think that if a woman has sex on the first date, then she is promiscuous and cannot be relied upon? Try to act as a symbolic “lawyer” for such a woman and a “prosecutor” of your convictions. In today’s society, it’s perfectly normal to have sex on the first date, as long as it suits both partners. And this does not mean the potential propensity of women to infidelity.
If you have sexual fantasies that you are not fulfilling with your long-term partner, think about what is holding you back. Try to challenge your internal arguments. Thus, you realize that the world is by no means black and white, and gradually recreate a holistic image of a woman.
The partner is used to a certain relationship model. Your task is to break it. This is often difficult to do
Can a woman influence the situation if she is not ready to put up with the role of “Madonna”? “No, she will not be able to radically change anything when the man himself is not ready for this,” says Elena Astrakhanskaya. Getting out of a destructive relationship or accepting the current situation is her personal choice. However, if your partner wants to change the script of the relationship, you can help him.
“A woman often gets used to this role and is afraid to seem “bad” to a man: uncomfortable, not soft enough and prone to compromise,” the expert explains. – However, it is important to allow yourself to show all the facets of your “I” and remove the “holiness”: do not try to go forward in everything, put your needs at the forefront and live your own life more, and not the interests of your family and partner. Such a transformation often helps to return the man’s sensual interest, even if at first he will be wary and negative about this.
The partner is used to a certain relationship model. Your task is to break it. This is often not easy to do, but only in this way there is hope to breathe fresh air into the relationship.