«Depression has my face. I broke with the myth that mental illness is “yellow papers”

In 2012, her father committed suicide. 10 years earlier, she had broken free from a long, toxic relationship. Both of these events caused an overwhelming loneliness and abandonment in her. “Half of my life is struggling with depression and anxiety-depressive disorders,” says Natalia Fabian, who has been taking antidepressants for 18 years. She calls them “happiness pills” because they are drugs that save her life.

1. Natalia Fabian is a manager in an international company offering audit and consulting services
2. «When I fell ill, people spoke of depression in a whisper. There was no consent in me »- says Natalia, adding that she very quickly began to tell her relatives and friends what she was struggling with
3. Her real coming out was hosting a webinar for co-workers where she told over 700 people about her illness. “I was congratulated on my courage,” he admits
4. More information can be found on the Onet homepage

The text was published in the “Twarze Depresja” 7/2022 magazine and is reprinted as part of the cooperation between MedTvoiLokony and the Faces of Depression Foundation

«When I fell ill, people spoke of depression in a whisper. There was no consent in me »

Half of my life has been struggling with depression and anxiety depression. The two major depressive episodes occurred ten years apart. In 2002 and 2012, the mindfulness of my relatives meant that I was quickly taken into the care of a psychiatrist and I managed to get medication the first time.

The reasons for the episodes were different. In 2002, it was a way out of a long, toxic relationship. In 2012, my father’s suicide. In both cases, I was accompanied by a feeling of overwhelming loneliness and abandonment.

When I fell ill, people spoke of depression in a whisper. There was no consent in me. From the very beginning, my relatives: family and friends, and with time a growing circle of friends, knew about my fight. I was not ashamed to talk about it. I was not ashamed to publish posts on social media. With time, it turned out that they are helpful, because someone feels that they are experiencing similar pain, because someone is afraid of what they experience, because someone is in pain in the same way as me.

Depressed pregnancy is “a constant struggle for a peaceful experience every day”

For me, the most important thing for me when I was depressed was getting pregnant and giving birth to my beloved son. It was a very difficult time as the drugs were discontinued overnight. Apart from the somatic feelings, the fears and the feeling of helplessness intensified over time. These nine months were a constant struggle for a peaceful experience each day, but also a great concern for the health and development of my child. There were very hard days when I couldn’t get out of bed, time slowed down, and I was afraid that I would not get to the day of delivery.

Eight months after my son was born, the medical panel decided that I absolutely must go back to medication. And so it is until today. In a moment it will be eighteen years of taking life-saving drugs. Sometimes I refer to them as the “happiness pill”.

Modern pharmacology can work wonders. However, it takes time for the drug to take effect. Some people expect their psychological pain to go away after one pill, as with a pain reliever. It takes time and patience to treat depression. Need for awareness. The first and most difficult step is to realize that we are sick and need help. Why choose us? Because we are more delicate, sensitive or maybe oversensitive?

The rest of the article is available under the video.

Over the years, I used the help of three psychiatrists and three therapists. Treatment is the way, it’s decisions. I live in a big city, so I have never had any problems with access to treatment or therapy. I made the decisions and made changes when I felt that the contact with the doctor was not enough for me, that the therapy with this therapist did not bring the benefits that I had hoped for.

“The time of the pandemic increased the feeling of helplessness”

2021 was a difficult year for me. I know that not only for me. The time of the pandemic closed us within four walls, increased the feeling of helplessness and caused further fears.

In July last year, I found myself under the wing of a new psychotherapist, and in November, a new psychiatrist. As I have been struggling with depression for many years, I just feel when something is wrong. Such self-awareness and observation are extremely important as they allow you to react quickly. Old drugs were replaced with new ones. Over time, after consulting a doctor, the doses were changed. The therapy allowed to break down behavior into prime factors and understand what was happening. Today I am in good shape, but this is due to the fact that I listened to myself.

I am very lucky to surround myself with wonderful people. Family, friends, acquaintances are my strength. My little family has a wall behind me. My mother, eighty-one, is my best teacher in life. Maybe it is selfish, but I invite you to a common, life journey of those who suit me and with whom I have a “flow”. I don’t have time for toxic relationships and games. When something doesn’t work for me, I cut it. Sometimes it hurts, but it’s the only right way to stay in mental well-being.

“I treat depression as a friend, although it’s a rough friendship”

Each of us bases his life on some pillars. For me, the two most important things are family and work. I am very lucky to work in a company where an employee is the greatest resource. And care for him is felt at every step. It gives me peace and a sense of security.

When Ania, a colleague from the HR department a month ago, asked me if I would agree to host the company during the webinar of the “Faces of Depression” Foundation, I agreed without hesitation. April was a health month in Grant Thornton, hence the idea for such a webinar.

Conducting a meeting with the President of the Foundation Anna Morawska-Borowiec and the ambassador of this year’s campaign “Faces of Depression. I do not judge. I accept »- actor Marcin Bosak, it was an honor and an amazing experience for me. Over two hundred of my colleagues participated in the meeting. Both Marcin Bosak and I shared our experiences in the fight against the disease. What is behind us, and above all, what we care for here and now.

After the webinar, where I honestly and openly shared my story with my friends, I received many words of support and admiration. I was congratulated on my courage. I was contacted by people I knew only by sight or I didn’t know at all, because the Grant Thornton community in Poland has over 700 people. I think that for many of them it was the first contact with this disease. And I I showed them depression has my face. And I broke with the myth that mental illness is “yellow papers” and being clumsy. Several people asked me to provide information on my doctor and therapist and had questions about treatment. It is a huge success!

I strongly believe that depression and mental illness will no longer be taboo. After my experiences, I treat each day as a new chance, I take care of myself, take care of the hygiene of life, I like to live according to patterns and frames, I like repetition, because it gives me a sense of security. But I also support others, I am sensitive to harm, and I know words have power, so I use them wisely. Every day I try to be the best version of myself, a depression, for so many years, I treat as a familiar, although it is a rough friendship.

If you have thoughts of suicide, you can get help from these institutions:

1. 22 628 52 22 (available from Monday to Friday from 18:00 p.m. to 21:00 p.m.)
2. Nationwide telephone call for victims domestic violence “Blue Line”: 800 12 00 02 (open XNUMX hours a day)
3. Helpline for children and teenagers: 116 111 (open all week, 12: 00-2: 00)
4. Telephone Support Center: 800 70 2222 (open XNUMX hours a day)
5. The ITAKA Foundation – Center for the Search for Missing People also runs: 800 080 222 – XNUMX/XNUMX free helpline for children and adolescents, parents and teachers
6. Foundation “Faces of depression” – free, remote psychological consultations for children and adolescents, adults in a state of mental crisis, people with cancer and their families, pregnant and postpartum women – registration at https://twarzedepresja.pl/pomocpsychologiczna/ psychological and psychiatric consultations for Ukrainian citizens in Ukrainian and – registration at: https://twarzedepresja.pl/ukraina/
7. Psychological e-mail support for the Campaign Against Homophobia: [email protected]
8. Lambda Warsaw e-mail psychological support: [email protected]
9. List of psychologists and psychologists recommended by the Campaign Against Homophobia: https://kph.org.pl/pomoc/pomoc-psychologiczna/
10. E-mail support for LGBTQ Christians “Faith and the Rainbow”: [email protected]

We encourage you to listen to the latest episode of the RESET podcast. This time our guest is Marek Rybiec – businessman, as one of 78 people from all over the world, he completed «4 Deserts» – ultramarathon taking place in extreme places around the world. She talks to Aleksandra Brzozowska about the challenge, mental strength and mindfulness training. Listen!