Depression after marriage: why it occurs and how to prevent it

Postpartum and post-wedding depression are phenomena of the same order

Depression after marriage isn’t as common as postpartum depression, but it’s far more common than you might think, and much more common than you think. Marriage is a kind of finish line, beyond which an emotional downturn awaits us if life after the wedding has not lived up to some of our expectations, says psychoanalyst Sophie Cadallén.

Post-wedding depression can occur when the wedding itself is seen as the ultimate goal. The end of an unmarried or single life, followed by an end to short affairs and past love stories.

It is as if marriage guarantees that two people will henceforth behave like adults, and their lives will always be stable and cloudless! If the bonding of the union with the marriage seal is considered the final chord that draws the line of the entire previous life, then this is deadly for a future marriage.

In addition, often people are so focused on the ceremony that the meaning of marriage, for which, in fact, the ceremony is performed, recedes into the background.

The wedding is perceived as a historical event, but the question remains: what will follow it? Many couples are planning the next logical step – the birth of a child. This becomes a significant motivation for living together. However, we often do not listen well to ourselves, to our partner, to what is happening around us, and do not understand whether we are ready for the appearance of a child, whether we want one.

For many women, the birth of a child is the answer to the most important questions of life, an incredible experience of rebirth, affirmation of oneself in reality. Motherhood adds self-confidence, gives a new meaning to life. It’s the same with marriage, Sophie Cadallén is sure.

Some people strive for it with all their might, unconsciously believing that with a new status they will find a place in life, a new name, the meaning of existence, they will become different. But marriage does not bring us revelations and does not help us to assert ourselves. Neither a child nor marriage solves our problems in principle. Doubts do not disappear, and the confidence that we are loved does not become stronger. We still need to work, we are waiting for all the same things as before. However, this is for the best.

Signs of post-wedding depression

A person may feel a certain futility, emptiness. “So what now?”, “Why was it necessary?”. There is a feeling that marriage is devoid of special meaning. Here it is important to emphasize once again, reminds Sophie Cadallén: the wedding itself does not radically change our lives.

It will not end anything and will not necessarily be the beginning of something new. It can be a delightful, beautiful and even magical moment of life, provided that we manage to live it that way. Indeed, very often the essence of the most beautiful things in the world is that they are fleeting, fleeting.

Of course, a wedding is a significant event and means something different for everyone, but then life goes on, love continues, relationships between partners continue.

Why does this happen more often to women?

Among the young, there is still a traditional perception of a wedding – a woman is assigned the role of a princess, the main heroine of the day. Perhaps that is why women are more likely than men to be disappointed with the underside of the holiday: after all, the preparation for it often takes brides more than grooms.

The stereotype that only married becomes a real woman is still widespread. But the wedding itself does not entail immediate magical transformations, and one should not expect them from this day.

Men are more likely to experience depression before marriage. They are very reluctant to trudge to the registry office or down the aisle. For them, this means the end of a cheerful bachelor life, lightness, optionality and carelessness.

According to Sophie Kadalen, marriage is entered one by one. And this is what is paradoxical: an intimate sacrament is performed and experienced publicly. It is often devastating and frustrating for young people when the wedding ceremony and guests outpace their own feelings in their actions and reactions. They do not have time to feel and express to each other the main thing: the miracle of mutual love, the desire to manifest it, an important moment of union in the rest of their lives.

Why is this topic taboo?

The wedding day in our view is still the best moment of life. Newlyweds are not supposed to express negative feelings, so no one wants to reveal that he or she is actually feeling sad. The inability to speak out only makes it worse.

In addition, it is generally accepted that after the wedding, the relationship of the couple is determined, family life begins and they must certainly be happy. That everything happened and in a sense closed. This causes a vague internal protest, because in fact in a relationship we never achieve anything once and for all. This is what makes life together so exciting.

If you married a windy person, you should not indulge yourself with the illusion that marriage will change him. It is also naive to believe that marriage will put an end to your quarrels.

Many couples who live outside of marriage reason like this: “We are not very happy now, but then everything will get better – when he listens to me more, when she finds another job, when we get married …” As if a wedding gives you access to a new a standard of living where all the old problems will melt without a trace.

As for doubts about the correctness of the choice, we are not immune from it. And do you need such insurance? This is rather a saving question that you should ask yourself regularly: would I choose him (her) today?

How to prevent depression after marriage

Do not forget that marriage is a mutual decision. In some ways, it resembles a crazy bet. We know very well that it is not so easy to win, that many couples break up along the way, that life is full of surprises, but two people love each other so much that one day they decide to enter into a life together.

The wedding ceremony itself is not easy to survive. The event resembles a road roller: a lot of things to organize the holiday, parents, families of the bride and groom, friends … Everything requires the attention of the newlyweds, so it is important for the bride and groom to be vigilant and not lose sight of each other.

Try to keep intimacy, simplicity, maybe even innocence towards each other – our relationship is built on this. And do not forget that at some point the festive crowd will dissipate, and you will be left alone. Perhaps this will be the very best moment of your celebration.

The most important thing after the wedding is to find time for yourself, for the two of you. Whether you’re going on a honeymoon trip or honeymooning at home, the only question you have to worry about is what gives us both pleasure? Just do it and enjoy.

Create an intimate space where you can fully experience and enjoy what has happened to you. Let this event in itself not last long, but it is sacred … Just think: “We are married!”

About the author: Sophie Cadallén is a psychoanalyst.