We all dream of being good parents: calm, patient and attentive. But we again and again break into a cry, scold the child for mistakes and dismiss his explanations. The problem is that we are too hard on ourselves, says psychologist Laura Marham.
My reader Shannon writes: “I got along better with my eight-year-old son thanks to the book Calm Parents, Happy Kids. My son says thank you every morning for reading it. He told me that I was becoming the mother he had always dreamed of. “And this despite the fact that I don’t always follow your lead?” I asked him. And he replied: “It’s easier for me to learn from my mistakes if you don’t yell at me because of them.” I could hardly hold back my tears.»
Children want to get whatever they want. But they want more than just that.
They want to be loved. So that they don’t get yelled at when they do something wrong. So that when you get angry and cry, there is someone calm and patient nearby.
For this person to listen and sympathize, even when you are wrong, rude or hit your sister. This is the person who thinks you’re the best when you’re not sure yourself.
Imagine what it’s like to grow up with such a parent. It is the dream of every child.
If you are too hard on yourself, you will not be a good parent.
Of course, it is impossible to be a dream parent 24 hours a day, seven days a week, because we are all human beings. And we are not all perfect. And every parent has plenty of reasons not to be like this all the time.
However, each of us can strive to increase the manifestations of good parenting and work on it every day.
And if we still break down (and this happens to everyone), we should not give up, but should try again. Fortunately, every step in this direction matters.
If you want to be the parent your kids dream of but feel mired in negativity, you may need support yourself. Many of us make the decision to become better. But if you are too demanding of yourself, you will not become a good parent. Even promising to be more patient won’t help if you don’t support yourself on your path to calmness and emotional regulation.
If a houseplant wilts, you don’t yell at it to straighten up and grow properly, do you? You are trying to understand what he needs in order to grow well. More water? More sun? More room to grow?
The same approach applies to the child. And to you too.
Instead of beating yourself up, think about what you can do today to become the parent you want to be.
- Perhaps you need more sleep.
- Maybe you should take an oath of «No Shouting.» And let the children reward you with a star for every day without shouting.
- You may need to slow down a bit to reduce stress and have more fun with your child.
- Maybe you should read a book about parenting or join a group where you can connect with other parents and support each other.
- Maybe you need to love yourself more. You can be emotionally generous with your child only if you are emotionally generous with yourself.
The most sustainable change happens when you implement it in small steps.
All of these ideas (or other changes you need) will require effort on your part. But life is short and you deserve a change for the better. And your child deserves it.
The days you spend with your child seem long, but childhood goes by quickly. And every day becomes part of the memories of the child. His brain is formed, the foundation of relationships for life is laid.
No need to try to change everything at once. The most lasting change happens when you make small steps, building new habits over time.
Today, pledge to support yourself on the path to change and write down your first step. Why not make it today?