I learned Outrage, Suffering and Contempt.
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As one of the moments of socialization and an amazing variant of development, somewhere from the age of four, parallel to the growth of the mastery of emotions in children, consistent degradation begins, the rejection of mastery, the development of stereotypes. Step by step, there is a renunciation of freedom of choice of emotions, of awareness of one’s emotions, of responsibility for one’s emotions, there is a renunciation of arbitrariness in the management of emotions.
One of the first steps is that children begin to hide the intention of their emotions.
Until a certain time, children do not hide the intentionality and arbitrariness of their emotions. They honestly say that they cry purposefully and targeted. For something. A child can run with desperate crying to be hugged, pitied, reassured. If you ask them «who are you crying to?» — absolutely clearly give the answer: «not to you, but to your mother.» The phrase: «I’m not crying for you!» you’ve probably heard it many times. However, closer to the beginning of school age, children begin to understand that it is better to hide the intention of their emotions, and to the question “Why are you crying?” already stubbornly answer: “Nothing! I’m just crying!» At the same time, denying the intention of his crying, the child carefully looks to see if the one to whom it is intended sees their crying.
The next most important step is shifting responsibility for the occurrence of your emotions.
Until a certain age, children do not hide that they make their own emotions. They themselves cry to you, they themselves are angry at you, they themselves are offended by you, and they do it almost defiantly openly. But since when have children been punished for intentional behavior: since you did it, then answer for your act! And then wise children look at older children and their parents for a beautiful figure of shifting responsibility: “My emotions are not MY behavior. This is my involuntary reaction to YOUR behavior.
«It’s your fault — you make my emotions.» «Don’t leave me alone in the room, or I’ll be frightened.» «Don’t laugh at me, otherwise I’ll be offended.» Remember the Russian language: “I was offended” — what does it mean? It means: «I offended — Xia.» I offended myself. I offended myself = offended.
The boy plays DotA and cries for no one and just like that. This is already in some ways a learned habit, and in some ways — entertainment. Crying is still more fun than doing nothing.
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And in the beginning, the children know that I am offended — this is “I myself offend myself with you.” But closer to school age, children find, memorize and train a new wording: this is «YOU offend me.» “Why are you making me angry?” «Why do you offend me?» “Why are YOU upsetting me?” I don’t create emotions, they appear in me. Because of whom they appear — because of you. It is you who call them to me.
Soon children become sincerely convinced and believe in it, that they have nothing to do with their emotions. Emotions are caused by others: parents, brother, weather, any other circumstances. Now emotions can not be controlled. They themselves appear. They are involuntary in their launch.
Mom’s report. Girl 12 years old, my niece. We go shopping with our family to the mall, she is with us. Here the parents inform by phone that in 30 minutes they will pick her up. The girl becomes very dissatisfied, begins to freak out, snort at everyone, and, in the end, freezes in her favorite position: her arms are crossed, her face is angry, while her lips are pouted, her eyebrows are closed; head down; bent back. I try to cheer her up, I say that this is not the last time we meet, we will go somewhere together, to which she angrily kicks back and replies: “Get away from me, everyone.” The habit has been formed.
Quietly, of course, emotions and feelings remain relatively manageable: so much so that you get the desired result, but without close attention you cannot see your responsibility for this.
The story of N.M. From the age of 6 to 13 I studied at a music school. At the same time, I remember exactly that until the age of 8-9 I liked classes, I took exams on stage, performed at competitions and did not understand why and why I should worry before performing. After the change of teacher, music lessons did not arouse the same enthusiasm. Accordingly, I began to prepare less, the piano on stage began to evoke emotions of fear and excitement, which could “justify” my non-five marks. Further, I had an additional subject, which was taught by another teacher. I really liked the way she taught. And I again performed with pleasure. Thus, at the music school, I could be afraid of the piano and not be afraid: depending on who and what I should perform.
The next important step that protects the child from accusations of manipulating his emotions is to reduce the palette of his emotional reactions, turning the freedom of emotional reactions into a typical reaction.
In order to insist: «You make my emotions for me,» it is better to abandon unnecessary variety and insist on a typical emotion, passing it off as an involuntary, natural emotional reaction. Get upset? Offended? Get angry? It is necessary to stop at one thing and do it strongly, under the flag “I can’t do otherwise.” And everyone around will call it the emerging character of the child. Emotions become formulaic, natural reactions.
And the last step in this degradation — children begin to hide their ability to stop their emotions, allow their emotions to become lasting indefinitely, involuntary in their completion.
Until a certain time, children do not hide the fact that they can turn their emotions on and off almost instantly.
Remember, if a child runs, cries and accidentally bumps into you, looks up — there are no tears. The eyes are completely dry. He looks attentively, with surprise, “why are you standing here, why are you interfering?”. Walks around, takes two steps and runs again with a desperate, unhappy cry. For example, he runs to his mother, where he carried his “cry” and cries absolutely sincerely.
Closer to school age, children understand that it is more profitable to unwind emotions bodily, physically so that he could no longer stop himself. If one child is more or less reasonable, able to control his emotions, and the other is very emotional, who cannot stop himself, cannot get out of the power of emotions, then adults usually resolve the issue in the direction of the one who does not control himself.
“He’s crazy, he’s crazy, well, let him play with a train! You are an adult, you are normal, but what is he, you look, he does not control himself, he cannot calm down in any way! Well, are you sorry?»
Children understand that the winner is the one who cannot calm down longer than others, and they learn to spin their emotions in such a way as to lose control over them. It takes months and years, but over time they master the regime: the emotion flares up by itself and stops only gradually. The winner is the one whose emotion is the most involuntary, the most lasting, who cannot calm down longer than others. And children understand that in order to win, you need to stop growing emotionally, stop owning your emotions. Having launched an emotion with a key, the key must be quickly thrown away. Children begin to learn to be helpless in the face of the emotions that unfold in them, or rather, they learn to unwind their emotions in such a way as to lose control over them. It takes months and years, but over time they learn how to stop their emotions.
If I’m already offended, I can’t do it so quickly. You quickly pass from emotions — so go and put up. And I can’t move away from resentment for a long time, so I won’t approach you. And if I started crying, I myself, right away, cannot stop this grief!
Children learn to make their emotions involuntary, children achieve this and turn their emotions into something that is beyond their control. Thus, gradually and creatively degrading, at least in the field of emotions, children return to a childish position in life, wean themselves from being a person and an Author, they learn to be only an organism and a Victim: a victim of external circumstances, a victim of their own emotions.
If this happens to us, our emotions become what is written in encyclopedias and psychological dictionaries: “Emotions are subjective reactions to the impact of internal and external stimuli↑”. That’s right — as a result of many years of work, we have learned to be emotional automata, our emotions are now caused not by us, but by circumstances.
How much creativity does each child need to turn their living emotions into such formulaic and clumsy reactions?