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Hello, dear readers of Valery Kharlamov’s blog! I think you have heard the expression «personal space» more than once. But what is it? How to find it in yourself or a close friend? And, especially what to do with this information then?
What are personal boundaries?
Each country has its own laws, norms and rules of conduct, the violation of which entails punishment, up to and including imprisonment. But what about a friend who can afford, drunk, to call you at three in the morning because he’s bored? Or with a loved one who believes that you should not have secrets from him, so he allows himself to check work correspondence or calls from friends?
Or with neighbors who “borrowed” a working tool from you a year ago and have the audacity to ask for something else, stating that just for a couple of days? If all this suits you, this is one thing, but if every time you feel anxiety, anxiety and irritation, then it’s time to start protecting your borders. Because you are responsible for their safety, and not those bad and ill-mannered people who do not understand that they are causing concern.
You lock the front door before you go to bed, don’t you? So, personal space or boundaries is a person’s awareness of their features and characteristics, the understanding that she has differences from other people. It is this separateness that is the true “I”, when a person knows what makes him happy, sad, what makes him angry and does not like what he wants or vice versa, he is afraid.
And this knowledge arose in the process of recognizing oneself, if a person is able to listen to himself and notice himself, and not because his mother or wife said so, the authorities like it or it is accepted in society.
What is personal space?
There are also zones along which it is quite realistic to measure the distance over which we allow different people.
- Intimate zone. As the name implies, this is the most vulnerable place, to which only close people are allowed, or those with whom you want physical contact. It is generally accepted that it takes about 15 to 45 cm directly from the human body.
- Personal zone. From 45 cm to 1 m, 20 cm. Acquaintances, colleagues, friends, and so on usually communicate at this distance.
- Social. Distance from 1 m, 20 cm to 3 m, 60 cm. This zone is for people we don’t know. Suppose, getting into the same room with them, we will unconsciously keep them away.
- Public. Getting to a concert, lecture and similar place where there is a large crowd of people, we will try to keep a distance of about 3 meters and 60 cm from them. This is usually necessary for the lecturers and artists themselves in order to feel at least a little safe.
Violation
It should be borne in mind that psychology is not a very exact science, since the individual characteristics of each person should be taken into account. It is comfortable for someone to communicate from afar, and for someone “nose to nose”. It is difficult for those people who have a heightened sense of security when they need a certain distance from others. After all, then at concerts they experience panic, in public transport, irritation, disgust and anxiety, the same in the elevator, at work, and so on.
Let’s say every invasion is akin to a slap in the face, and now imagine how many slaps a person experiences during the day? The emotional sphere in this case is bare, a person is not able to adequately respond to the slightest stimuli, because he had to endure and experience stress, and for a long time. But what about a child who is called capricious, but in fact was «tormented» by hugs and kisses, which he did not want?
Have you noticed that there are people who like to talk when their faces are too close to each other? It seems that you step back a little or lean back, and this person approaches again. And he seems to be a good person, but I want to end the conversation with him quickly. And when something has to be endured, we are already talking about boundaries. After all, what prevents an obsessive personality from saying to move back a little, otherwise you are not so comfortable?
Violation examples
It often happens that a person seems to understand about this, but is ready to “betray” himself in order to get something. Therefore, women can endure the bullying of their men for years, thinking that by obedience and sacrifice they will win their love, which can change tyrants. Or because they are afraid to take responsibility and break this vicious circle. Loneliness scares what others will say…
Or, for example, an employee is ready to follow any instructions, up to going out on a day off, just to please the boss, who will appreciate it and definitely raise it. Do you know the fables that a real friend will never leave in trouble, so he will wake up at any time of the night and rush to help bury a corpse and the like?
There are many reasons why a person ignores their own «I», but a more common reason is not knowing themselves or that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and personal space.
Well, let’s say I don’t like sweets, what should I do now, stuff them in order to meet someone’s expectations? No, you just have to learn to keep a balance between your «I» and the requirements of society.
What to do?
1. Personal rules
- First of all, write a list of rules by which you live. Then carefully review each item. Are you satisfied with everything? Clearly, if you live like this, then, most likely, it suits you, the question is a little different: what exactly causes a feeling of tension, irritation or confusion? Then think about how you can defend yourself by slightly changing these rules.
- The next time you are talking to someone and you notice that something is wrong, take a break, for example, after going to the toilet, and think about what exactly affected you, that you reacted with anger, resentment, etc. When you understand, add one more limiter to the list of rules.
- Remember the situations when you felt discomfort, write them down and come up with your own stop word for each. Because, in the so-called “field conditions”, when you haven’t really learned how to protect yourself yet, you can get confused and not react properly. But when you have a reaction template prepared in advance, then at first it will be much easier to cope with the manipulations of others.
Let’s say your family is trying to influence you to do something as they see fit. You can stock up on this phrase: “Thank you for taking care of me, but I know what I should do.”
Or on weekends, not only not to do work, but also not to talk about it with loved ones. Saturday-Sunday are family days. After 22:00 do not answer calls. It’s time for rest. Then you will no longer be disturbed by trifles, knowing that the phone is turned off. Do not talk about politics, as it leads to conflicts that you are tired of. In general, is the meaning clear? Thanks to your own rules, you can protect yourself from unnecessary stress, which is sure to cause every intrusion into your space.
2. Feelings
- Learn to talk about your feelings. First, study what they are, because there are actually a lot of them. Then, feeling discomfort and pressure, talk about it. Then you will be yourself. When you don’t, it’s scary. Even if boundaries have always been broken, it is never too late to start building them.
- Even if a loved one asks you for something, and you, agreeing, feel tension, this is already a violation of the personal zone. Be attentive to your feelings. The article “The Best Techniques and Phrases for Politely Refusing a Person in His Services” will help you learn how to protect yourself from manipulation.
3. Contact zones
- When in public places, try to study your zones, how far are you comfortable letting different people in? And then you will be able to regulate your state, moving away or approaching intentionally. Yes, and next time it will be clearer where anxiety or irritation comes from when communicating, and how to deal with it.
- Do not forget that other people also have the right to separateness, and if you want your preferences or prohibitions to be taken into account, you should not react with resentment, running into the restrictions of even a very close person. For example, there is a stereotype that men are strong and can cope with any problems for the sake of their beloved woman, even working without rest. But, like any person, the opportunity to relax and recover is vital. And everyone does it in their own way. Someone is fishing, someone is crocheting or just staring at the ceiling. Therefore, it is necessary to allow him to «take off his armor» and approach himself in a way that is comfortable for him.
4. The value of the inner world
To make it easier to defend yourself, imagine that a person covered in mud is trying to get into your favorite house, car or office, in general, the place that you love, saying that he will come in just a couple of minutes. And you look at it and understand that then it will take a very long time to clean and wash everything after it. What will you do? Most likely, ask to leave, and come back clean. Right?
Wouldn’t you be ashamed to say that dirt drips from it onto your clean floor or rug? Why then do you treat your soul differently? Why do you let it get dirty and leave marks that can’t be washed off?
Almost any invasion can be anticipated by taking care of yourself in advance. As I have already said, it is foolish to leave the front door open at night and hope that no one dares to climb into someone else’s territory.
Do not want to solve work issues in your free time? Do not answer calls if you see that they are dialing from the office. Angry that your friends wake you up in the middle of the night all the time? Turn off the sound and the problem is solved. No one is obligated to take care of your comfort. This is only your responsibility. And if it is violated all the time, think about why you allow it, and how exactly.
Conclusion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Be vigilant, especially in relation to physical sensations, the body will not deceive you, and will always let you know that it is uncomfortable, not only with tension, but also with nausea and pain. So be on the lookout for such signals.
I also recommend reading the article about self-love.
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The material was prepared by Zhuravina Alina.