Such friends never tire of reminding us that once they did something for us: they gave us money, helped with the move, or wrote a term paper. And now we owe them. Sooner or later it starts to get boring. Is it possible to maintain friendly relations with them, or is a quarrel inevitable?
Perhaps you have such friends. When they once again start talking about the service they provided us, we get annoyed and angry. But we can not refuse, because we owe a debt. But then for some reason we don’t want to answer their calls and messages.
We begin at first secretly, and then openly, to hate our benefactors. We have to get out, come up with tricks to not go to the movies with them to see a boring movie or listen to sobs for hours, and eventually it gets boring. Does the service of a friend really cost us so much?
Default contract
“When we think that a friend is helping us just like that, and then it turns out that he is waiting for a favor in return, we feel awkward and resentful. But a sense of duty does not allow us to refuse, says German psychotherapist Otto Schwartz. “At first we think our heartfelt thanks will be enough. But the other side has its own idea of a friendly deal. And we don’t pay with money – it would be easier and more honest that way.”
A similar situation was with 22-year-old Mark. He asked a classmate to help with the move and the choice of furniture. She agreed. But then she demanded to go with her to a party in payment of a debt. Then the friend decided to go even further and invited her to spend the night together. Mark refused. The next day, the whole course knew what an ungrateful brute he was.
Can we immediately determine for ourselves who should not be contacted for help?
Most likely yes. Imagine the situation: you need help. You are talking to several friends. Some refuse, citing sudden and urgent matters. Others will make the drama first: they will tell you what a wonderful prospect they had for the weekend, but everything had to be canceled because of you. And then they agree.
But this is where you need to listen to your intuition. It is better not to get involved with such people if you do not want to be indebted to them.
Today beer from me – tomorrow from you
“Real friends are always happy to help just like that,” says 26-year-old Alexander. Yes, and moving is not such a difficult task. Several boxes and a couple of watches. And now you are already drinking beer together in a new house, and everyone is happy. I’m so sure. After all, if they asked me for help, it means that they consider me a true friend, and I am very pleased.”
But the “terrorist” friend thinks otherwise. He’s bound to get blisters on his arms from dragging our bags. He will dislocate his shoulder or twist his leg. And he will remind us of this at every opportunity: “Remember, I helped you with the move and injured your knee?”
The knee, shoulder, arm have not hurt for a long time (if they hurt at all), but the debt remains. And why did we just turn to him!
“It is best to negotiate with such people on the shore,” the psychologist recommends. – Immediately dot all i. The favorite phrase “Come on, don’t worry, we’ll settle later” can turn into trouble. Immediately announce what you are ready for in response to the service. “You help me with the move – I’ll have pizza with beer or wine after we’ve done everything.”
Never allow such friends to exploit you financially or emotionally. If we have discussed the terms, but we are still reminded of the service again, we have the right to say “Stop”.
“I got tired of it, and I directly said:“ You helped me, thank you very much. But I don’t want to hear anymore how hard it was for you because of me. Enough,” says 30-year-old Artur.
Next time think carefully about who to ask for help.