Debt hole: why are we used to living on credit?

More than half of Russia’s working population (about 45 million) repays loans. According to the United Credit Bureau, every sixth debtor is unable to cope with payments. It is interesting that the results of polls diverge from this reality: in case of need for money, 64% of Russians intend to turn to relatives and only 32% – to the bank. Another 13% plan to sell their personal property, the latter are not threatened with debts.

But, probably, each of us is familiar with the debtor or has been in this role himself. In such a situation, some are responsible for their obligations, others “turn the carousel” – they take in one place in order to return it in another, until they stop giving. And then – a break in relations, a fight with collectors, injunctions … How is it that some do not calculate their capabilities?

Faith in a miracle

“Everyone has a basic illusion that the world is safe, without it we simply could not exist,” notes the Gestalt therapist Nadezhda Rumanova. “Because then we would have to remember every minute about the dangers that lie in wait for us everywhere, that we are vulnerable and ultimately mortal. It is impossible to live with such a psychological background. Therefore, we believe that in general everything is in order in the world. And even if there is a difficulty, we will find a way out of it.”

In general, this idea supports optimism and does not give up. But sometimes, because of it, we act at random and do not calculate the risks that we should have calculated.

“We believe in miracles, and this belief does not arise from scratch,” adds Sergey Medvedev, a clinical psychotherapist. “Miracles happen, big or small, everyone has had lucky finds or unexpected good fortune in their lives. And also remember the fairy tales: Ivan the Fool gets the king’s daughter as his wife, at the command of the pike all the desires of Emelya are fulfilled.

He wanted and got it, not as a result of his efforts (sometimes even in spite of them), but thanks to good luck and wonderful helpers. And simply because “a good person” – and deep down we all consider ourselves to be just like that. This childish part remains with us even when we become adults. Sometimes she wakes up and can push to rash acts.

It’s so childish

Reckless behavior, uncalculated risks are the result of two, at first glance, diametrically opposed reasons associated with the characteristics of education.

1. The child becomes the center of the life of the whole family

Parents, grandparents rush to him at the first call, fulfill all his whims. “It doesn’t occur to him that he might be limited by something,” emphasizes Nadezhda Rumanova. He gets used to taking whatever he wants.

But an adult has different appetites, more than a child. And if he doesn’t have enough money, he just goes and takes it where he can, in order to immediately get what he wants. He does not think that this money is not his and they will have to be given away. That is, he knows about it at the level of the mind. But feelings tell him something else: go and take what you want.

2. The child lives in a system of severe restrictions

His desires are not only not fulfilled, he does not even express them, because he knows that it is useless. “But the desires themselves do not go anywhere, they accumulate along with the energy of dissatisfaction,” says the Gestalt therapist.

And then the person becomes an adult. He is finally left to himself and can get what he wants! Does he think about the consequences? Even if such a thought arises, you want to drive it away, because it does not correspond to the minute, the mood, it seems sad or boring.

“Least of all, financial problems arise for those who grew up in a family where they systematically taught how to handle money,” continues Nadezhda Rumanova. – When parents explain how they manage their own expenses and give the child pocket money, he gets used to calculating his possibilities. But if he is immediately added to everything that is not enough, he learns this too. You have to learn how to handle money, it’s not easy.”

In addition, for those who do not know how to count paper and iron money, it is more difficult to count electronic, “invisible” money, the handling of which requires thinking in symbols. Such actions are possible with developed abstract thinking. Which suffers when emotions overwhelm us.

colored mirages

“We should not consider everyone who is entangled in debt as unreasonable or short-sighted,” Sergey Medvedev warns. – Reasonable, adult, wise people also get into difficult situations. Not everything can be calculated.

Business well-being can be threatened by the financial crisis in the country, dishonesty of partners. When we find ourselves in this position, we experience the stronger, the greater the responsibility that lies on us: for the cause, employees, family members. Increasing anxiety can make it impossible to think clearly and rationally. They say about it: a drowning man clutches at a straw.

Something similar happens with patients who turn to healers when medicine is unable to help them. Hope can be cruel. She draws mirages that we are not able to critically evaluate.

But we ourselves may want to create a mirage – for someone whose imagination we would like to capture. Alla Pugacheva sang a song about a million scarlet roses: a poor artist sells all his property and buys roses for a famous actress with all the proceeds.

“He wants to step over the social abyss that separates them, and he succeeds,” Sergei Medvedev comments. – Between them there is, albeit briefly, a relationship that otherwise would not exist. Continuation is impossible: he has exhausted all resources. But money problems can be a big part of a couple’s life. One partner gets into debt, strikes the imagination of the other, who then supports him while the first one pays off.

On a rational level, one or both may not like it at all. But on an emotional level, this is an entertaining quest: both feel like heroes, rescuers, immerse themselves in strong experiences. One day, partners can realize the scenario of their interaction and change it.

Return to reality

How can we protect ourselves from financial recklessness and debt bondage? “First of all, do not give in to the first impulse, for example, the desire to quickly receive money that has not been earned,” Nadezhda Rumanova answers. “To do this, you need to develop awareness, that is, try to build intermediate links into the “impulse-action” chain: “impulse-reflection-decision-and only then action.”

Psychotherapy can help in this matter, because awareness is one of its goals. It is possible to do this on your own, but it is difficult if there were no senior teachers nearby.

“It is also helpful to analyze attitudes and messages from childhood,” adds the Gestalt therapist. “We absorb them unconsciously, and they affect us, sometimes in reverse.” The attitude “Money comes from hard work” can result in a protest, an attempt to deceive the inner parent, acting in defiance, getting money without much energy.

“The desire to improve one’s life is natural, it is an incentive for development,” Sergei Medvedev notes. – No one is interested in money in itself, they are always needed for something. It makes sense to ask yourself – for what exactly? To win love, it is not necessary to spend everything, and it is not always necessary to win it! Maybe it’s better to ask for it, offering in exchange not money or property, but your own feelings, tenderness, partnership, care.”

Another step is to take care of yourself, creating emotional well-being by placing yourself in a supportive environment. “It’s good if there are friends nearby who can reasonably assess the situation and provide support,” the psychotherapist concludes. “Sometimes an outside perspective helps bring back the sanity that we have lost under the influence of emotions.”