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Death, war, divorce: how to talk to a child about difficult topics
There are topics that are painful even for adults. It is very difficult to pacify your own emotions and calm a child going through a new difficult experience. But we have to. We are, after all, parents. Adults.
Wartime childhood: don’t rush things
“They told my granddaughter in the kindergarten about the blockade,” says Anna Arkadyevna. – And the teacher said this phrase: “Hundreds of kids like you died of hunger because they had nothing to eat.” The child sobbed at home, had nightmares for several nights. Is this really normal?
Of course, it is necessary to talk with children about the war. To be remembered, so that it does not happen again. But all the same, probably not at the age of six, to bring such details to them … “
You should not be the first to raise the topic of war in a conversation with a preschool child. If you asked or is there any thematic reason, like Victory Day, Day of lifting the blockade, then, of course, explain. But I’m sure that at this age kids don’t need to know the details, just the story in general terms. They will be told all this in schools, in history lessons. Everything has its time.
Do you remember how we used to play war games and musketeers in the yard when we were kids? The information space is different now. And the games for children are different.
– Timofey, what are you playing? – I watch him chase his friend and drop him to the ground.
– The terrorists! These are such bad guys who kill people all over the world. I just caught a terrorist.
Terrorism does not make the same sense to them as it does to us. They play it, as we used to play soldiers. This turns us upside down, because we understand what it is about. But if just a game he does not show cruelty, aggression, then this is not scary. If you are completely unbearable to hear this, talk to him, ask him to change the game. Say, “I’m afraid when you say that.” But do not forget that an unreasonable ban generates heightened interest.
Those who are unlikely to play the war are those who really were in this war. Or vice versa: it will play only in it, as in the only familiar reality. Children in the midst of battles are broken souls.
No matter how you protect them, it will be a lifelong trauma. It cannot be cured. He no longer has a childhood. You can love him, support him. And only this support depends on what will end up in his soul: a deep wound or a scar.
“Just Live”: Don’t Be Fooled
– Mom, will you never, never leave me? – Timofey buries himself in my neck and practically squeezes into the side.
I pause. To tell the truth is beyond words.
– Why suddenly such thoughts? – I ask a counter question.
“I’m very scared that one day you will disappear.
I use a tongue twister to say something like “I will be with you as long as you need me.” Although I understand that this is also a potential deception. Anything can happen. But I’m not ready to talk with a preschool child about death yet. Or is it time?
Children become interested in death from about five to six years of age. They see a certain pattern in what is happening around and want to understand it. They ask parents uncomfortable questions: “Why do people die?”, “Will I die?”, “Will you die?” Of course, it is not worth touching on this topic without special need. But there is no need to be silent either. I am an advocate of honesty when talking with children. Yes, it will. But very, very soon. We can say that there are diseases, there are accidents. In this case, the child must be returned to reality after such a conversation. “Look, we are all healthy, I drive my car carefully, you have no reason to worry.” An important phrase: “I will always love you.”
If the child is not overly emotional, he will accept this explanation. But it’s one thing – some kind of abstract death, another – when it concerns you personally.
“When my dad died, my daughter could not understand for a long time where her beloved grandfather had gone,” recalls the mother of six-year-old Katya. – We were afraid to tell her the truth right away, we said for a long time that he was ill. Then they confessed. Now the girl is very afraid of getting sick herself and falls into hysterics when my husband and I catch a cold. It seems to her that we are going to die. “
If this happened in the family, you need to immediately explain what happened, say why the person will no longer come. Otherwise, the child begins to fantasize, think out, and this can give rise to unnecessary fears. There is no need to equate death with any everyday situations. For example, one cannot say that the deceased “fell asleep”. Otherwise, the child may be afraid to go to bed. In this sense, believers, on the one hand, find it a little easier; they have certain protective legends. On the other hand, the child should not be told that he will definitely meet this person someday. Preschoolers have no sense of time. They will wait for this meeting in the near future, especially if a very close loved one has passed away.
If the child is still going through a difficult situation, it is necessary to work through the situation with him through “play”. Conduct a symbolic ritual: for example, release a balloon into the sky as a farewell. Ask to draw something that is scary. And, of course, talk. And as calmly as possible. If the parent himself painfully reacts to such topics, then the baby will have the same emotions.
Family in half: the kid has the right to be angry
Death is not only real, but also metaphorical. For example, the death of a family. Yes, we are talking about the most unpleasant thing – divorce. Alas, all the time. Someone, gritting their teeth, suffers, “until the children grow up,” someone decides to immediately cut “alive”. What’s the best? Unknown. One thing is clear: whenever adults decide to leave, children will suffer the most. What rules must be followed in order to protect an immature psyche?
Both parents should talk about divorce with the child together. And be ready to answer any children’s questions, and correctly, without irritation. Do not deviate from the topic, do not hush it up, be ready both together and separately to discuss as much as necessary. In conversations, the emphasis is on the fact that the cause of the discord is by no means him. Correct phrase: “Yes, we are in pain with each other now, but you are not to blame for this, we both love you very much.”
We emphasize that we are now talking about the so-called “healthy” divorce, when a couple breaks up, if not good friends, then at least not on knives. And both parents have the opportunity to devote enough time to the child. But it often happens that a man and a woman turn into the worst enemies. And the child finds himself on the edge of this emotional war, when each of the “opponents” tries to win him over to his side. And here it will not work to give universal advice. As well as explaining to the child why suddenly one of the parents decided to disappear from his life.
“What you definitely shouldn’t do is make each other look like ‘scoundrels’. Your son or daughter is already feeling bad. And if this is a teenager who is even more sensitive than a small child, it is even harder for him. For them, dad has always been good, and mom says he is bad. Or vice versa. He is literally torn between you. Don’t make the child your confidant, your vest. This is your emotional war, do not involve him in it. Do not pour all your experiences and details of relationships on him. Do not deprive him of his childhood. Don’t make him forget the past. It’s scary for him: how is it, I remember how my dad and I walked, played, and my mother says that we never spent time together. “
The expert explains: the most difficult thing is when, after a divorce, the second parent, in principle, disappears from the field of vision of the former family. Ideally, this is a topic for a separate consultation with a psychologist who will help work through the situation. But in any case, an adult who is left with a child (usually a mother) will have to not only cope with their emotions, but also take on the child’s anger.
A child, especially a teenager, has real grief. You get divorced, and his world is crumbling. And he has every right to blame you for this. Has the right to be angry. There may be different harsh statements in your address. Do not be offended by this. But you shouldn’t be allowed to offend either. If the conversation has reached a dead end, you must interrupt it. Say, “You’re upset right now, we’ll pause. But we’ll talk about this a little later. ” And really talk until there is nothing left unsaid between you.