Dating a married man and not feeling guilty

I recently came across an online discussion where some of the participants regretted their association with married men. This is incomprehensible to me: almost always from the very beginning it is known that the partner is not free, and you are aware of the possible consequences.

I meet such a man and do not feel any regret or guilt about this. Does it bother me that my friend is leading a double life and cheating on his wife? No, this is his choice, he is responsible for it. As well as my choice – to accept the situation and not demand from him more than what he is ready to give.

There is no mercantile interest in our relations. I am not trying to get financial help or social promotion in this way. I’m just a happy person, enjoying every meeting. A friend has given me a whole new sense of being a woman, and that’s enough for me.

Before we met, I had a relationship, and I was even going to get married. I sincerely wanted this and was faithful to the groom. At the same time, I always liked a colleague, but I drove away any thoughts and fantasies associated with this person. He was married, I had a relationship, and I could not imagine that something was possible between us.

But one day at a corporate party, we talked closer and realized that all this time we were drawn to each other. That night we became close, and the next morning we started dating. For the first time, I felt what an “electric” passion is, which cannot be abandoned.

We never talk about his family. He does not want to destroy it, and I do not intend to pressure him with questions about what will happen next. I can only answer for myself and ended my relationship with my fiancé.

I will not dissemble: if a loved one one day confesses to me that he is leaving the family to be only with me, I will be happy. However, I fully understand how unrealistic these expectations are. I have no desire to poison myself with endless waiting. I just want to enjoy life here and now. Therefore, I continue to live as I lived: I study, build a career, meet friends and even sometimes go on dates with other men – for the thrill.

And further. I made a promise to myself that if our relationship ended, I would not try to return it. There is nothing sadder than a situation where a woman sits and waits for the love of her life to return, while this life itself passes by.

“Not getting what we wanted, we conclude: we didn’t really want it”

Tatyana Mizinova, psychoanalyst

Romances with married men have been and probably always will be. How many songs have been sung on this topic, how many films have been made. And almost always these stories have a sad ending, when one or both partners suffer. But here it is important to make a reservation – this applies to those cases when a spark “ran through” between people and real feelings arose.

Can a relationship with such a man be pleasant and non-traumatic? Yes, when they are based on mutual benefit, which can be anything: sex, money, support and promotion, help fixing a car or a house. The boundaries of such relationships are clearly defined and end when the main request is satisfied. In such temporary alliances, all the attributes of romance may be present, but at the same time, both parties understand what exactly connected them.

The heroine’s situation is radically different, and she deceives herself, claiming that she is comfortable. When we fail to get what we wanted, we experience frustration, and the psyche uses one of the defenses – rationalization. We conclude: we didn’t really want to, and so everything suits us. The heroine is well aware of the unrealisticness of her expectations. Despite this, she has a faint hope that the situation will change.

In this couple, joint plans and the presence of a family in a man are not discussed, because this would very quickly return everyone to reality, from which both run away for the duration of the meetings. The girl turns out to be a small part of the man’s life, and he turns out to be her whole life. Yes, the heroine tries to break out of this trap, meets with friends and even goes on dates “for thrills.” However, this is rather a way to maintain self-esteem, and at the same time “kill” time until the next date.

At the heart of such novels, as a rule, is a strong sexual attraction, but after a while it is satisfied, and the woman has a need for intimacy and care. Often this is not at all what a man needs in a relationship with his mistress, if he can receive all this in the family.

The heroine reasonably argues: “There is nothing sadder than the situation when a woman sits and waits for the love of her life to return.” But in a situation of a break with the “love of a lifetime,” few people can remain calm and rational. Sometimes parting is very painful and stretches for years.